Appeal of the Flame

[Salvaged]

Debut poem, without excuse or appology:

Appeal of the Flame

Cross the threshold
With grace like no other,
She dances whirlpools
Of green-cool paradise.

Suddenly.
Threadbare.
Ideals held so high-
Hurtling,
Outward…
Away...

My tender nectar!
O fruit divine;
Now scarred with
Razor-marks,
And Bitterness.

Tenderly tip-toeing
Through the tumult,
Trying to transfuse
My blood, gradually showing..

Eyes caught ablaze,
With passion abound;
The other pasture’s flowers
Trampled to the ground.

After pursuing her
With all my ardor,
All I can do now
Is try that much harder.

 

[Stewart]

Eyes caught ablaze,
With passion abound;
The other pasture’s flowers
Trampled to the ground.

After pursuing her
With all my ardor,
All I can do now
Is try that much harder.

Trampled to the ground - the the here disturbs the flow
Is try that much harder - the that on this line is jarring. It also indicates a limit to which an attempt is required. Can you really put a limit on effort?

 

[tugger]

On the whole, Salvaged, I like the poem.

I wonder why, though, after using an unrhymed scheme throughout the poem, you suddenly start rhyming in the last two stanzas. It jars me a little. My suggestion: I would lose the last stanza entirely. It's my least favorite and I don't think it adds that much to the poem. I think the last line of the previous stanza:

The other pasture’s flowers
Trampled to the ground.

(which is a wonderful line, by the way) is a MUCH stronger line with which to end the poem. Then, if just the final stanza rhymes, it doesn't bother me in the least.

But, like I said, this poem is nice. Just needs a few tweaks.

 

[Salvaged]

Thanks for the critiques, guys! This is my first shot at "real" poetry, and I could absolutely use the help!

BTW: I am TOTALLY awed and amazed at your talents of melting words to your use, tugger. I've read almost all of your stuff. You and TMG really just blow me out of the water...Talk about a standard!

I agree with slashing the last stanza. Ironically (or not) I added it after I finished the first of it.

Again: Thanks SO much for the constructive input!!!!

 

[Stewart]

On suggestion I'll add is to try an mix a few similies into the stanzas. I agree with hugger that the change to a rhymed metre was strange - although I doubt it was intentional, it can be an effective way of changing the tone.

Is the capital 'B' of Bitterness intentional or just a typo? I ask because 'bitterness' is just what it says but 'Bitterness' implies that something has been named or alluded to.

 

[Ashlea]

She dances whirlpools
Of green-cool paradise.

Great image. I like the twist right after it to a more disjointed section, really emphasizes the emotional impact.

The other pasture’s flowers
Trampled to the ground.

Why is this the other pasture? I seem to be missing something. Are there 2?

A great beginning - you must keep at it.