Brainstorm #11

[-Carlos-]

Something was terribly wrong with the formula, a fly in the serum as they say. Jack knew that one of the two liquid samples was causing an array of devastating consequences. From the start Jack did not suspect any mishaps for he had, so he thought, perfected the measurements that produced a robust elixir, bitter and thick like mud. Within a few minutes after taking the potion, he dropped to the floor and a small portion of the digested concoction expelled out his throat; he quivered, coughed harshly, and felt his every muscle tighten firmly. Jack was able to stand soon after the cultivations relinquished. In his thoughts Jack searched for an answer to what he had just experienced. But before he could connect the dots an extraordinary serge of energy stormed his limbs and chest making him feel sturdy; fortifying all his faculties.

His vision, crisp and focused, captured an oddity that made Jack fall back, tilting the table to a one side and fragmenting the glass implements - test tubes, funnels and beakers - onto the floor. Jack could not hardly believe it for the walls seemed to quiver like cooked spaghetti strings. The wonderment resumed, becoming even more peculiar as the mix flowed in his veins. An almost translucent brush of sight became apparent to Jack – a distorted perception that made Jack see through the walls themselves!

Jack did not know it but something equally as dreadful was happening to his skin – from head to toe, Jack's skin became callus and scarcely scaly. Poor Jack did not notice his flesh metamorphosis because he was literally burning-up his upper lip and anything near his face. He instinctively bent his shoulders forward in a panic. Fire, small whispers igniting from his nostrils, shot outward in exhaling spurts. Jack quickly found a way to remedy the abnormality: he squeezed together his nostrils, feeling a sharp sting shoot back into his skull.

It was then that Jack started to realize that when he swallowed, his tongue, dry and swollen, did not produce enough spit for his buds to register a taste in his cortex - he was unable to taste anything! Jack found, by feeling his way around the room, a chair in the empty laboratory; he sat in haste. It was then that he felt his skin for the first time. He jumped in horror, settled himself down a bit and, with an easy touch, felt his torso. His eyes could not register anything, transparency veiled reality as Jack sat motionless in fearful blackness. What had he done? What poison possessed him?

__

 

[beer good]

Words: they mean things.

 

[-Carlos-]

yes...and?

 

[beer good]

And so don't use them if you don't know what they mean. And no, the thesaurus is not your friend.

 

[-Carlos-]

ok...

 

[Ell]

Okay, since you asked me for feedback on the other thread, I'll start with just a few of the problems I see in your first paragraph.

Your second and third sentences are contradictory. You say Jack “knew” the samples were causing “devastating consequences”, then, you say he did not suspect any mishaps.

Take out the words that end in “ly” (i.e. terribly, harshly, firmly). Ask yourself if they were necessary. Did your “ly” words add anything significant to the meaning, understanding or clarity of the piece?

Have you heard of the KISS principle or the less is more concept? It's not necessary to make every sentence a mini-essay full of descriptors and strange metaphors that don’t make sense. What’s wrong with stating, “Something was wrong with the formula”, full stop, as your opening sentence? Were you trying to do a twist on "fly in the ointment" with "fly in the serum"? If so, it doesn't work very well because readers will think you just got it wrong. Why did you say “liquid” samples? Were there solid samples? Why not, simply, “samples”?

More questions: Why is mud bitter and thick? How does a serge(sic) of energy storm limbs? How does one feel sturdy and fortify faculties? What does “after the cultivations relinquished” mean?

As BG stated, don’t use words you don’t understand just for the sake of using more words.

Overall, I can see where you wanted to go with this, but the sequence is off, it's rushed, and crammed with too much in a few paragraphs.

 

[-Carlos-]

Very good. That's what I wanted Ell. Thank you.

 

[Ell]

Very good. That's what I wanted Ell. Thank you.

I've done a search for other posts with your writing and see that various BAR members have given you similar advice and critiques. May I suggest that, besides writing more Brainstorms, you also try and fix what you've already written.

 

[seedeeaaa]

I've done a search for other posts with your writing and see that various BAR members have given you similar advice and critiques. May I suggest that, besides writing more Brainstorms, you also try and fix what you've already written.

Great advice there.