Brainstorm #13

[-Carlos-]

This one came out all disjointed. It's a brainstorm - that's the reason.

The banner, satin and red, near the entrance doors of the city hall, showcased it for all who opened its doors. One would stand erect to pay honor to this gentle symbol of Cardezina, circa 1871. I was said that the West was a wild liqueur bar of demons.

As for Handers, he knew quite well where he stood on the issue. For his assured expectation was of virgin white. Long eyes viewed ahead; upon a blurred horizon. Gracing on a grassy knoll feeding for hours at a time. Some of the time the dirty blades would intoxicate me into a slow motion pace. And, yes, it's all short-lived.

The revolver in Johnny's back was cocked and ready if things turned in a deadly duel. Standing yards apart, and face-to-face, a pair of eyes focused on those of his enemy. It was a fight to the death; the woman, the price for the living, stood still behind the railing with tears and outcries filled the air with supplication.

A second after, a gun shot: He was dead, shot in the heart; and surrendering his soul to the unknown. The woman fell weeping and yelped her pangs outwardly. But before the gun man grabbed her by the arm, she quieted and followed him with a bowed head, and as a trophy washed in dark blood.

I told you it was all disjointed. For it just flowed out of me quickly. All I did was just write it out...no thinking, just writing.

__

 

[Hugh]

Yes, it's very disjointed. I was expecting you to tell me what it was that was being showcased at city hall in the banner. I'm still not sure what it is that's being showcased - it it the duel itself?

I assume that the issue that Handers was thinking about was discussed in a previous paragraph that you did not disclose in this sample.

I wonder if you have been influenced by Arabic writing the encourages flowery prose, using many words to describe an incident that really only requires a few. Flowery prose is actually in that no-man's land somewhere between prose and poetry. Pick one or the other, (unless you are William Shakespeare). Flowery prose interferes with the story if it doesn't flow.

 

[Occlith]

The revolver in Johnny's back

Seems that Johnny was disjointed too.