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Not sure if I invented this terminology myself (could just be a freak double Dutch translation of a word joke) but I call my debut novel a business novel.
Although part memoirs it’s also very much fictional (and aren’t all novels a mix of those two?) but it mainly describes how a (our) business is run. Boring stuff ?, don’t think so myself
Extract from it so you can judge for yourself and any feedback is welcomed. (BTW; English is my second language, if that count as an excuse )
1 Freebies
Another free workshop, another free Business Exhibition and still nothing new! What am I doing here again, would someone please remind me?
The stuffy room is filled with young, middle-aged and more senior business people; eager to hear what this new ‘marketing-guru’ can tell them. The workshop title had looked so promising:
“The Best Sales-Increasing Idea Every Business Can Use” but it turns out to be the same ‘old’ idea all over again and one I can’t use.
Don’t take me wrong, his ‘Brilliant’ idea is correct, but also so very basic that anyone who doesn’t know or recognises it shouldn’t be in business at all:
“Make your customer your best friend and he will come back again and again for more”, or otherwise stated: when you have a customer, make sure you’ll get repeat business from him. That’s a bit difficult in our situation. Well, let’s risk the question and see if perhaps he does have a better answer for me than the last ‘marketing-guru’ at another free workshop had.
“Eh, excuses me. Very interesting so far, but what if you don’t have repeat sales?”
Oh dear, all 25 others seem to raise their eyebrows while the prancing guru stops in his track and turns to me with a small smile:
“Well obviously you’re not doing things right then and you’ve come to the best place today, dear.” Some people in the room begin to snigger.
- Definitely wrong answer, pal ! -
“Hmm, let me rephrase my question for you. What if you don’t have repeat sales because the product or service you sell isn’t really suitable for it?”
That is making him think for a little while; his smile vanishes and is replaced by a frown of seemingly deep concentrating. Shouldn’t be so hard for a ‘marketing-guru’, should it? Then his face lights up again.
“Don’t tell me, you’re in new car sales business.”
- As if !-
Before I’m able to correct him, he’s off.
“Very simple, what’s the average time a customer owns that new car? Two years, three years? Entice him with incentives to come back to your business when that time arrives. Ask him how long he thinks he’s going to drive that car before replacing it, put his details in a customer database and a month before he starts thinking about replacing his car send him a nice letter. There you go, repeat sales. I grant you this, for some businesses the repeat sale will take time to establish itself, like with new cars, but ultimo, if you play your cards right, they will come.”
He beams at me expectantly. Does he really hope I will fall to my knees and thank him profoundly for his wisdom?
“Sorry, I hate to disappoint you, but I’m definitely not in the car sale business. And your idea doesn’t work for my kind of business. Perhaps you should rename your workshop title to: idea that works for 85% of businesses?”
Behind me someone chuckles softy. The guru doesn’t seem to have heard my comment and continues to spill out his marketing wisdom, pointing out the importance of a customer database, ways of using it to your advantage by sending out newsletters, informing existing customers of new promotion etc. Yes, sure that’s true, I give him that, but it’s so obvious. He shows us a new slide of his presentation: ‘more volume per customer equals more turnover’. Another brand new idea.
He drones on about the importance of getting the balance right between price, specific customer and volume discount. He’s lost my attention and I start thinking of ways to sneak out of the room before he bores me to sleep. But I’m right in the middle of the room where all the chairs are filled, which will make it hard to leave unnoticed. I’m dying for a refreshing coffee to wake me up again.
A soft-spoken voice behind me interrupts the guru’s ongoing flow:
“Excuse me, but I’m sure you know it’s a much safer bet to increase prices than to increase volume at lower prices. Your volume discount idea will do nothing to increase turnover, it will only have a negative effect on the profit margin.”
Oh, another rebel in the room? The guru starts to look frustrated for being stopped in his tracks again by one of his ‘pupils’, who should just be sitting there and listen, not ask questions, let alone criticize him. I try to see who this daring person behind me is and see a bespectacled and slightly balding man. He offers me a smile and a tiny wink.
“I’m sorry, sir, but you’ll have to look a the complete picture to understand why it does work. Stay with me guys, I’ll explain the next step right away.” With an impatient flick of his hair he turns away from the crowd to his projector and displays a new slide.
“But you’re not giving the complete picture” mumbles the soft voice behind me.
Right, definitely another hour wasted. He fortunately has only another three minutes to impress us with his marketing knowledge, and then one of the Business Exhibition organisers opens the door to make an end to it, finally. Guru invites everyone to visit his stand at the exhibition where he has leaflets and brochures aplenty and will obviously try to sell some of his expensive consulting time.
Most of his ‘pupils’ gather round him for his business card, but I can’t be bothered. There is a throng of people blocking the escape route to coffee, fresh air and more interesting businesses at the Exhibition. When I finally struggle through and start making my way to one of the coffee bars a hand on my arm and a soft-spoken voice stops me in my track.
“Excuse me, Miss.”
It’s my fellow-rebel. I guess he’s around 55 going on 60, with greying hair where there’s still some left. He lets go of my arm and tries to hand me a business card, his I presume. Great, another consultant trying to part me from my hard-earned money. For the time being I ignore the card.
“I don’t think you were that impressed by his workshop.”
Right in one.
“No, can’t say I was.”
He slowly nods his head and looks at me to elaborate my statement. Oh well, why not, coffee will have to wait yet a bit longer.
“It seems nowadays there are no other marketing solutions than these so-called repeat sales. This is the third Business Exhibition this year I’ve been to and with each one you seem to have the same kind of workshops. I’m sure they are right, but just not for my type of business. Yet, they all promise to be THE suitable solution for ALL businesses. Which they are not.”
“And your type of business is? Definitely not car sales” he chuckles his soft chuckle again.
I can’t help but smile.
Although part memoirs it’s also very much fictional (and aren’t all novels a mix of those two?) but it mainly describes how a (our) business is run. Boring stuff ?, don’t think so myself
Extract from it so you can judge for yourself and any feedback is welcomed. (BTW; English is my second language, if that count as an excuse
)1 Freebies
Another free workshop, another free Business Exhibition and still nothing new! What am I doing here again, would someone please remind me?
The stuffy room is filled with young, middle-aged and more senior business people; eager to hear what this new ‘marketing-guru’ can tell them. The workshop title had looked so promising:
“The Best Sales-Increasing Idea Every Business Can Use” but it turns out to be the same ‘old’ idea all over again and one I can’t use.
Don’t take me wrong, his ‘Brilliant’ idea is correct, but also so very basic that anyone who doesn’t know or recognises it shouldn’t be in business at all:
“Make your customer your best friend and he will come back again and again for more”, or otherwise stated: when you have a customer, make sure you’ll get repeat business from him. That’s a bit difficult in our situation. Well, let’s risk the question and see if perhaps he does have a better answer for me than the last ‘marketing-guru’ at another free workshop had.
“Eh, excuses me. Very interesting so far, but what if you don’t have repeat sales?”
Oh dear, all 25 others seem to raise their eyebrows while the prancing guru stops in his track and turns to me with a small smile:
“Well obviously you’re not doing things right then and you’ve come to the best place today, dear.” Some people in the room begin to snigger.
- Definitely wrong answer, pal ! -
“Hmm, let me rephrase my question for you. What if you don’t have repeat sales because the product or service you sell isn’t really suitable for it?”
That is making him think for a little while; his smile vanishes and is replaced by a frown of seemingly deep concentrating. Shouldn’t be so hard for a ‘marketing-guru’, should it? Then his face lights up again.
“Don’t tell me, you’re in new car sales business.”
- As if !-
Before I’m able to correct him, he’s off.
“Very simple, what’s the average time a customer owns that new car? Two years, three years? Entice him with incentives to come back to your business when that time arrives. Ask him how long he thinks he’s going to drive that car before replacing it, put his details in a customer database and a month before he starts thinking about replacing his car send him a nice letter. There you go, repeat sales. I grant you this, for some businesses the repeat sale will take time to establish itself, like with new cars, but ultimo, if you play your cards right, they will come.”
He beams at me expectantly. Does he really hope I will fall to my knees and thank him profoundly for his wisdom?
“Sorry, I hate to disappoint you, but I’m definitely not in the car sale business. And your idea doesn’t work for my kind of business. Perhaps you should rename your workshop title to: idea that works for 85% of businesses?”
Behind me someone chuckles softy. The guru doesn’t seem to have heard my comment and continues to spill out his marketing wisdom, pointing out the importance of a customer database, ways of using it to your advantage by sending out newsletters, informing existing customers of new promotion etc. Yes, sure that’s true, I give him that, but it’s so obvious. He shows us a new slide of his presentation: ‘more volume per customer equals more turnover’. Another brand new idea.
He drones on about the importance of getting the balance right between price, specific customer and volume discount. He’s lost my attention and I start thinking of ways to sneak out of the room before he bores me to sleep. But I’m right in the middle of the room where all the chairs are filled, which will make it hard to leave unnoticed. I’m dying for a refreshing coffee to wake me up again.
A soft-spoken voice behind me interrupts the guru’s ongoing flow:
“Excuse me, but I’m sure you know it’s a much safer bet to increase prices than to increase volume at lower prices. Your volume discount idea will do nothing to increase turnover, it will only have a negative effect on the profit margin.”
Oh, another rebel in the room? The guru starts to look frustrated for being stopped in his tracks again by one of his ‘pupils’, who should just be sitting there and listen, not ask questions, let alone criticize him. I try to see who this daring person behind me is and see a bespectacled and slightly balding man. He offers me a smile and a tiny wink.
“I’m sorry, sir, but you’ll have to look a the complete picture to understand why it does work. Stay with me guys, I’ll explain the next step right away.” With an impatient flick of his hair he turns away from the crowd to his projector and displays a new slide.
“But you’re not giving the complete picture” mumbles the soft voice behind me.
Right, definitely another hour wasted. He fortunately has only another three minutes to impress us with his marketing knowledge, and then one of the Business Exhibition organisers opens the door to make an end to it, finally. Guru invites everyone to visit his stand at the exhibition where he has leaflets and brochures aplenty and will obviously try to sell some of his expensive consulting time.
Most of his ‘pupils’ gather round him for his business card, but I can’t be bothered. There is a throng of people blocking the escape route to coffee, fresh air and more interesting businesses at the Exhibition. When I finally struggle through and start making my way to one of the coffee bars a hand on my arm and a soft-spoken voice stops me in my track.
“Excuse me, Miss.”
It’s my fellow-rebel. I guess he’s around 55 going on 60, with greying hair where there’s still some left. He lets go of my arm and tries to hand me a business card, his I presume. Great, another consultant trying to part me from my hard-earned money. For the time being I ignore the card.
“I don’t think you were that impressed by his workshop.”
Right in one.
“No, can’t say I was.”
He slowly nods his head and looks at me to elaborate my statement. Oh well, why not, coffee will have to wait yet a bit longer.
“It seems nowadays there are no other marketing solutions than these so-called repeat sales. This is the third Business Exhibition this year I’ve been to and with each one you seem to have the same kind of workshops. I’m sure they are right, but just not for my type of business. Yet, they all promise to be THE suitable solution for ALL businesses. Which they are not.”
“And your type of business is? Definitely not car sales” he chuckles his soft chuckle again.
I can’t help but smile.
