Chapter VIII. A Day Well Spent

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VIII.​

In the house of Macrominus, there was great trouble to be had by the slaves in conducting the willful horse of Wolfgang, for it was brought forth bare of harness to the table with two slaves upon its back and some confused number pushing hard upon his quarters to goad him onwards to be seated like a man. Many times the horse spun around, knocking over men of great importance. And when finally he was made to sit the slaves upon his back fell harshly. And although the horse sat with quarters upon the floor he still measured higher than a man. Now the horse’s head loomed highly, baring its teeth, and Macrominus watched this from the head of the table and was greatly edified.

The dining hall was crudely contrived by its masons and measured five horses high as five horses might measure. And oddly contrived were the wide steps that led up to the westward window, as if one was expected to leap well from the overhang. And as the many black smokes entered from the kitchen, they left just as quickly through the window, blocking out the sun’s light for a good measure.

In anticipation of night, two torches were lit at the extents of the window, which itself could be paced for its great length and closeness to the floor. Many more torches were lit high upon the eastern wall from the rooms behind. And as Oliver entered he looked up and saw several hands reaching through tiny holes in the wall to light these high torches.

Prunella had not yet arrived, and the darkened eyes of Macrominus darted about angrily from the head of the table. Verily, he became most thoughtful and leaned forward to converse with Oliver past the great horse that sat between them. “I did see, my friend, that in the sands before my wife’s bedchamber her wide hips had left their print behind, much like an hour glass. But I am one who prefers to see sand in the hour glass, and not an hour glass in the sand!”

Oliver caught the jest and smiled kindly.

Macrominus continued. “It is my wife’s custom to linger in bed for most of the day, for she is like an hour glass that spends much of its time upon its side, being of no use to anyone. But rarely is it her custom to linger in the sand. What cause did my wife have to fall before her chamber?”

Oliver smiled with service and empathy. “She tried to possess my cloak but I held upon it. And for that she fell upon her quarters before her chamber.”

Macrominus smiled. “Well, no matter over a little tumble, then, for an hour glass that falls upon the sand does not break. Indeed, it leaves a second one behind. But it is for the making of the second that I am concerned, for it was indeed so well made that I wager my wife was naked when she fell. What cause?”

Oliver jested. “We must be discreet. There is a horse between us and he is listening to every word that we say.”

Macrominus huffed. “I have been discreet. The moment I saw my wife’s hour glass in the sand I stepped upon it. It did not look well there, for a husband has his wife in the bed!”

Soon the many lords and their wives had all arrived at the table, and a great deal of mutton was brought before them. The carves of meat kept upon many dark leaves that some were too timid to try, and so they accepted this favor carefully, grabbing only upon the naked bits of mutton. Also were brought forth many slivers of gander and snake and legs of mutton, and before long the wives had to hold their hands away from their stoles for the grease. And some of the women rubbed the sauces from their hands with wine.

Also came forth Prunella and her attendance. And although she entered proudly, well ready to make a fool of her husband, she was surprised to find the willful horse so seated at the table, and she saw immediately her husband’s intent. And although it held a strong distaste with Prunella to sit by her husband, it was her lustful ways that had made such measures of his to come to pass, and so she arrived at her proper place between her husband and the horse.

Next came in a small troop of musicians, holding upon their modest instruments. They filed in quickly, not speaking a word to anybody and came to sit upon the steps before the westward element. It was without ceremony that they let forth and began a cunning melody, startling the lords who faced upon the east. And they hit joyfully upon the drums and piped well, for they had a great deal of mutton in their bellies.

Verily, Prunella started upon her food with a whore’s manners, growling like a she-wolf and speaking nothing to her hated husband. The face of Macrominus quickly soured as he saw this, and he saw well that Prunella meant to slight his dignity. And as Prunella snarled upon her food, she would stop only to clean her hands upon the horse’s mane.

As Prunella carried on, Macrominus pulled a great leg of mutton from the table and threw it across the room to land upon the heads of a couple of sleeping hounds. They roused at once and began to fight each other for the flesh of the bone, growling much louder than Prunella’s own modesty would have allowed her. The dogs kept at their lively skirmish, and it pleased many of the lords to see the great dogs in a fight.

But verily, Sigmuntod yelled out to a slave, “Pull those mongrels apart or they’ll kill each other!”

Macrominus protested merrily from the head of the table. “Leave them alone! Their only care is for the mutton, and they will not allow for it to drop from their jaws!”

Sigmuntod protested. “But the mutton must fall sometime. What then? Will they not be enlivened to kill one and other?”

Titubear laughed at this and jested with great cunning. “Surely by then their jaws will have to straighten upon the hinges, for that is how it is with dogs of all breeds, even the lowest!”

Macrominus held his fury as Helgasoth laughed well and clapped at the jest. Prunella glanced upon her husband’s wicked face, and although she did not understand the joke she joined in upon the laughter, wishing to infuriate him even further.

Macrominus rose from his seat and called down the table to Titubear. “A worthy jest, my friend! And I am glad that you did not disclude yourself from the jesting! For you did so say the lowest breed?”

Titubear laughed well at this, too pleased with his own jesting to take any offense. And rather than rise up as Macrominus had done, he remained well within his chair, slouching and burdening his weight upon it as one who is accustomed to riding in a litter. And indeed, Titubear thought up another jest as he gazed upon the ceiling. “Since you compliment my jest, you have swallowed your pride, and so you must well allow for your jaw to straighten upon its hinges!”

But Macrominus was no fool. He had taken trouble the night before to saw well into the legs of the great wooden chairs for the very purpose that, should a rival insult him and be tempted to prop himself, the chair would brake as he leaned back from the table. And this is exactly what happened, for as Titubear celebrated his jest by kicking softly upon the table to sport himself highly, the legs soon snapped right under him, bringing him so hurtfully to the floor that he cracked such a formidable chair.

Immediately Macrominus assumed the face of a concerned ally, rushing over to offer his arm to help Titubear to rise. And as the other lords were all well within their seats, Macrominus arrived unfettered to lift up his rival, and so it seemed to all that Macrominus was the most able and most kind man among them. But in truth, it was in anticipation of the fall that Macrominus had risen from his seat before hand, and he had whiled intently, watching his rival rock back and forth in the tainted chair, knowing full well that he was soon to fall. And so it was the habit of Macrominus to first cause hinder with subtlety and then to give help in plain view.

Verily, Macrominus called forth for his slaves to consign Titubear to the physician. Titubear held upon his jaw grievously, glaring at Macrominus who himself stood with the look of service and empathy upon his face. Verily, Macrominus called after Titubear as the slaves hoisted him upon their shoulders, “Do not thank me, my friend. Better to let your jaw straighten upon its hinges.”

Oliver looked down at his own chair and found that along an ornamental groove occurring upon both back legs a fine cut had been sawn nearly through the leg. It seemed to Oliver that Macrominus was fond of toppling his guests, and had provided that any who would lean back after some cleverness would then be made to look like a fool. Oliver was not surprised that he himself sat upon such a chair, and he was sure that of all the chairs, only Macrominus possessed a sound one.

 

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All of a sudden Tigorus rose with tried patience from the table and came forth to where the musicians were playing happily. He wrested the pipe from one of the harmless fellows and kicked him over so that he nearly fell out the low thresh of the window. Macrominus watched this with expectation, returning to the head of the table.

Tigorus ranted upon the musicians, wielding the pipe above them and knocking it upon their heads, reproaching them for their tried and antiquated melodies. He kicked a snare out the westward element and it sounded as it bounced off the overhang, crashing upon a house that was carved below from the rocks of the hill. Oliver wondered if perhaps the neighboring houses were accustomed to such signs of disfruition, or likely to overhear the cackling of whores in the night and to witness their fleeting shadows through the westward element.

Macrominus called upon Oliver’s attention and leaned over towards him, speaking past both Prunella and the horse. “Tigorus is soon to take up a cause, and it is by this custom that he will climb up onto the table to sway us. He is going to take up the same cause as always, I should think, which is to advise us against classicism. But I have been saving up my belches, and so we will not likely be swayed, and we will instead throw mutton upon him!”

Verily, Tigorus had leapt upon the table and stood holding upon his robe in a manner of rhetoric, by which he kept from getting foodstuffs upon such low portions of his attire. And with a good and stately manner he kept one hand out from his attire, holding upon the playing pipe. He spoke.

“Have we not heard these melodies before? Mayhaps ten times we have, for all that remains in the world are stolen melodies that are put forth as new. And indeed, if you ask a classicist who wrote his piece, he will say that he contrived it just yesterday upon the back of a mule. And he will even say that he means to make improvements upon it later on, hoping to fool you utterly that it is his.

“But the real truth is very different. For we have all heard of how the classicists spend much of their time in the wilderness, writing their pieces in solitude. But this is only because they live in fear of one another, for if ever a classicist contrives a rare new melody another will readily pass it off as his own by galloping upon his mule for the nearest city and first gaining audience with a notary. They have been want to spy upon each other for compositions ever since the world began to run dry of its melodies long ago, for all the clever melodies truly seem to have been taken up by the ancients. For they lived in times of such harmony that they were able to accomplish nearly all of art, leaving little for us to try.

“And I will say that there are those classicists who truly trouble to hide themselves in the wild, troubling themselves to bludgeon for years upon their instruments for the rare melody. But for every one such man there are three others searching the wilds to happen upon him, and to listen from a little ways off for him to contrive something novel.

“These men carry knives rather than pipes, and from the moment an honest classicist sounds a novel melody he must be wary when he passes by a thicket, for he might soon be leapt upon before he makes it to the notary. That is why honest classicists keep upon the backs of mules while they write, so that they cause ten times the trouble for anyone trying to claim their melodies. But some are resented for this alone, and will be killed outright even before they are able to yield a melody, for there is nothing the wicked classicist hates more than a good one, for the good one seems to us all to be favored by the gods beyond most men.

“But the very reason for this want of melody is the ungainly demands of classicism, for if a hand will depart from these tired scales and modulations it will soon land upon a novel melody. And that is why I have commandeered this putrid pipe, and I will endure the spit of the mediocrity who blew upon it before me!”

Verily, Tigorus stood highly upon the table, piping a horrid strain, quickly making his face turn red. At first, it was only Caemberlychas who approved and listened eagerly, for music had never impressioned him in the slightest, and he attributed this to some flaw in classicism, and he was convinced that if in all the world beauty was to be found it lay in something entirely alien and hateful of antiquity. He listened closely to the strains, but was impressioned more by the ridiculous conviction that Tigorus suffered to appear upon his piping face.

Oliver cringed in his chair, looking up angrily at Tigorus who took no notice of him but started to hop upon one foot with huge self importance, edifying himself beyond all modesty. And indeed, Oliver began to fear that if he did not throw some piece of mutton or gander upon the chest of the dancing lord, Tigorus would be handed a crown for the strange momentum that he had begun to exact upon the rest of the lords and their wives.

Verily, Oliver rose at his chair and threw a bowl of sauce upon Tigorus who stopped immediately from his piping and looked angrily upon the knight. Oliver let forth sternly. “That is not music! Not one note! You’re merely pleasuring to spout upon us!”

Tigorus straightened himself, but remained red in the face. “This is indeed music, and every note of it is contrived by myself! And if you don’t like it you can shove it all up your ass!”

Oliver laughed. “Surely that is the only proper use of such music, and if ever it came back out the same way the melody would be little changed, I think!”

Macrominus laughed well at this with many belches so that he sounded like a pig. He called forth to Tigorus. “Get down, old friend, and return that pipe to the piper.”

Verily, Tigorus did surrender the pipe to the piper who received it graciously, as if he had not received so many blows upon the head from it.

Soon after the shameful piping of Tigous, Wolfgang came to arrive at the table and he hailed well his companion Oliver and was of good spirits. But he was well bewildered that his willful horse had come to be seated so prominently among such stately men. Still, he did not demand an explanation, for he felt that it might be ungainly to be told the truth on such a matter as this.

Verily, Macrominus rose at the head of the table with a stately manner of regret, and he addressed the many lords with service and empathy. “Brothers, it is well known to us that custom lays that I should have a pig lain upon each end of my table. And I have always maintained this custom and held it as strictly upon others to maintain it likewise. And I had truly procured two such fine pigs today that a lower man than myself would have done well to take the sow for a wife! And I know that I myself would have traded a horse for each pig if that had been the cost. But whatever the price, I have lost them, for they have managed somehow to pry the gate from its firm post and have escaped from their enclosure. I saw it happen with my own eyes, and I wept in such a way that I was nearly inconsolable. But as I sat there weeping for my lost pigs, a great fat pig wandered stupidly into the open gate of the pen. And as luck would have it, he belongs to a neighbor of mine who owes me a sizable debt, and so I foreclosed upon the pig as restitution!”

And with this said, Macrominus called upon the cooks to consign the pig to the table, and they arrived weeping in a shameful manner, bearing their burden through the smokes of the kitchen, holding up the pig merchant like a proper swine hung highly upon their shoulders. Macrominus looked and saw that the cooks had cut off the hands and the feet of the merchant, mucking the ends of the arm and leg bones with a black polish to make them look like the hooves of a swine. Macrominus smiled from the head of the table to see such cunning and resource from such simple cooks.

When at last the pig’s weight rested fully upon the table, it suddenly occurred to Macrominus that the cooks thought their part was over, and that they would leave back to the kitchens without partaking of the swineherd’s flesh. But Macrominus told each of the cooks to take a bite, and they did not dare to argue. Then, after they all had cursed themselves, Macrominus shooed the cooks away with a guttural hissing, telling them that they were displeasing his invited horse with their foul manners and stench.

Macrominus made no delay in consigning a company of slaves to portion the swineherd among the invited, and he was greatly edified to hear Caemberlychas call greedily for the head. Many of the wives proved less dainty in their appetite and they disregarded their niceties as they ate upon the flesh that was put out before them.

Macrominus abstained from the flesh of the swineherd and pleasured to watch from the head of the table as even Prunella had her fill.

And as the lords filled their mouths with flesh they were all the more enlivened to talk so that their gracious words could land foul upon the ear. And soon the lords began to tell riddles to draw themselves highly and make themselves seem boisterous and wise at marry.

 

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Everyone became silent as Tauberlinus spoke forth a riddle of his own contriving.

He inherits his master’s title,
Upon the battle field,
Guess the master’s title,
And the servant has to yield,
And perchance to guess the master,
And make the master kneel,
Do well to guess the battle,
Or guess the battle field​

Sigmuntod mulled over the riddle. “A crown is not handed down upon the field, but may be taken by force in a battle. But if taken by a servant this seems to me to be a betrayal. And the riddle so says inherits, and so if there is a betrayal then it is likely between kin. But what battle is so well renowned that by the field we should know the master? I can think of no example in history.”

Wolfgang smiled with cunning. “The master is the knight! The servant is the horse! The battle is chess! The field is the board!”

Wolfgang was praised for his quick brain, and since the face of Wolfgang was much like an oracle it pleased the lords that he should tell the next riddle.

The most faithful servants cheat their reflections,
Except in the house of God,
Where penitence keeps the mirror strict,
While the penitent master nods​

Tauberlinus mulled over the riddle. “In my younger days I kept many servants. And as I was vain and kept wealthy by my father, I entrusted two of my most faithful servants to bring my mirror between them wherever I went. I thought this was a princely habit, and so I paced the ramparts merrily. But never did I set foot in the house of God.”

Tigorus smiled with cunning. “The most faithful servants are hands, and they are aligned in penitence.”

Next Sigmuntod came forth with a riddle.

Birds are varied
And many in kind
Some perch on a branch
Some perch on a line
But frighten them off
And one stays behind
Perched on a branch
And perched on a line
Or perchance he has left
His perches behind
To be found with another bird
Resting entwined
But the two birds infact
Are not of a kind
And the kind of the first
Is the riddle in mind​

Wolfgang mulled over the riddle. “What large manner of bird might perch upon a branch and a line? Or is there somewhere in nature where a branch is kept close to a line, allowing a small bird to perch in such a way? And if the bird is provided for in this way, to have such a perch proper to itself, then why is he not afforded a proper mate, but instead must rest entwined with another manner of bird?”

For this one Macrominus had the answer. “Unless I miss my mark, the bird is an arrow!”

Many more riddles were told as the lords gluttoned themselves, and their wives forwarded many shrewish guesses and became enlivened by the game. And as the feast went on they pleasured to slight the dignities of their husbands in many ways, and Verucasoth shed her stole to sport her pale and unrivaled skin for all to praise.

Verily, the face of Macrominus began to sour with regret, for he had begun to think on how Titubear had not partaken of the swineherd’s flesh, and how the wife of Titubear had also not partaken. And so heavy were these thoughts upon his brow that Tauberlinus called forth to Macrominus and begged him to know what was the trouble with him. But Macrominus gave only a gentle sigh and brought his chin to linger upon his hand, for it behooved him well to look like this. And although the face of Macrominus had soured, the merriment of the feast had risen and reached well throughout the household, and soon Lionel was enlivened by the smells of the feast to join, and he smiled witlessly as he staggered down the south steps and into the dining hall. And although his leg was tender from battle, Wolfgang rose from his chair to pardon the stance of the wounded Lionel, bringing him to be seated prominently near the head of the table. Lionel was famished for all that he had suffered, and he partook like a great bear and all were impressioned by his hunger.

By now Verucasoth had risen to sport her naked body highly, and she knelt upon the end of the table like a whore beckoning a soldier from his battle, and indeed she did beckon the gaze of Lionel from the food that was before him, causing him to look up at her pale skin. But for the heavy pigments upon her eyes, Lionel thought her a whore, and he said so earnestly to Wolfgang. And at hearing the knight’s bold tongue, Verucasoth let forth with her weeping, bringing the pigments to stain her tears darkly, making her look to be a low woman indeed. She remained upon the table like a wretched ornament, eating mutton discarded from the plaice as she wept.

As Lionel kept at his supper he paid little attention to any nicety of diplomacy or manners, and he rended his food shamefully like a wolf in the winter months while the lords all looked on him with great intention. And of the lords it was Caemberlychas who was enlivened to call forth. “I rather like this idea of worthy demonstration, by which these knights seem ready to brave the spear if there is any doubt upon their merits. And while I believe that none who look upon them can truly doubt their worth, I would ask of them to tell us of what adventures they have had, for we are all men of state, and so we are bound by the great tasks before us to remain close at hand for our citizens. But were it not for these obligations, many of us would rather leap upon a horse and see the wilds which we have heard of.”

Verily, Lionel neglected his hunger and caught his breath, pleasing to impart a great misadventure that had happened upon him and his comrades in the wilderness.

“Early in our departure, before we had breeched the wilds of Macinot, we three happened upon a watery expanse which had flooded through a long valley, making it impassible to us and our horses. We could not decide among ourselves whether it was a lake or some part of the ocean that had pleased to come inland, and we waited for many days until the expanse had subsided to its proper level. On the last day our flasks had gone dry and we left it to our horses to try the water.

“Finding the water to be fresh, we gladly filled our flasks at the lake’s edge. And as we had not eaten for many days we remained there and searched along the banks for any boar tracks that may have been made the night before. As we searched for the tracks, we three overheard a weeping that came from the heights of a great tree that stood upon the bank of the lake. We arrived under the tree and bellowed upwards, finding that a woman had been swept up into its highest branches by the flood. And though we well could see her naked shoulders, she had had the modesty to hide the rest of her body behind a thick cover of leaves and flowers. And yet we knew by her face that we wanted to see the rest of the body, and so we beckoned her to climb down. But to this she said that the tree could not be climbed upways or down, and that her own modesty would not have allowed her to depart from her cover of leaves, and so she told us solemnly that we could achieve her upon one condition, that if we were to cut the tree down for her to land in the water that she would gladly grant us her body there in the lake where only the fish could spy upon us if it pleased them.

“This all seemed well advised to our way of thinking, and yet for all this we did not really trust the woman, and we knew that the moment she hit the water we could well expect her to try and swim away, and so we first undressed and quitted our ungainly armor and vestments upon the shore. And as we meant in earnest to hold the woman to her promise, my companions stood alert at the water’s edge, ready to leap in at a moment’s notice. I was less eager about this business than my comrades, and so I suffered myself to chop down the tree, making use of my sword in want of a proper ax.

“After an hour of good effort I had well hindered the mighty tree to fall in the proper direction, and I called for the woman to brace herself as I began to push the tree towards the lake. And as the great tree cracked upon the water, we saw that we had been deceived, for the woman was better spoken a mermaid, and she thrashed her great tail to wrest herself from the branches.

“My companions were not dissuaded, and they wanted their prize all the more, and so they leapt into the water, grabbing a hold of the mermaid’s tail so that she could not escape them. And although she could not fling them off, she swam beneath the surface and suffered their mouths to fill with water until they relented their grasp.”

Wolfgang smiled at this and rose up from his chair to advise the lords. “It seems that my companion has chosen to tell you a story that puts us two knights in a more shameful light than he, for in this story he was the one who abstained upon the shore while we did our work in the water. But it adds no further shame to myself to tell you that it was for this misfortune that I lost my helmet, for while we were so preoccupied with our shameful sport, an arrogant young knight had ridden by to spy our mischief, and he had chosen to steal upon my helmet! That is why you do not see it upon me today.”

 

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As the knights boasted wryly of their travels Macrominus leered at them from the head of the table, for a foul idea had cracked upon his brain, and he began to wonder if perhaps the knights could be enlivened to kill one and other in some form of combat sport. He thought of the many weapons which he himself possessed, and he thought them to be just the right things to use in trials of strength.

But as Macrominus thought upon such near prospects, he looked up and saw that a skeleton had come to be seated at the table, and he let out a shameful howling as he toppled backwards in his chair and snapped the legs right out from under him!

Many of the lords rushed to help Macrominus rise to his feet, and they raised him up to stand at the head of the table where he started to yell angrily and spit at the vagabond for frightening him with his ribs. And as Macrominus was the master of the house and there was no one to consign him to the physician, he pleased to remain standing there at the head of the table while the lords all returned humbly to their chairs. And the thought rushed through his head that if a great man did not have a throne it did him better to stand for all occasions.

Soon after the breaking of the chair of Macrominus, Venus arrived naked with her body unhidden by any clothing. And as Venus made obeisance she bowed her head and held forth her arm, and Macrominus sought to make good use of her, and he began to trouble his brain for how to best slay the dignity that seemed to linger upon the belching faces of the lords.

When Macrominus asked Venus why she had been so late in arriving she smiled and said that she had been searching through the great house for a mirror and that she had not been able to find one. At this Macrominus took hold upon the arm of Venus and pointed squarely at his broken chair that lay in a heap upon the floor. He proposed to Venus that if she would yield herself to be a chair for him that he would in turn have a mirror brought for her. Venus blushed at such a strange bargaining, and so she said yes in order that she might see her blushing.

Macrominus was very pleased by this prospect, and he brought Venus to kneel upon her fours with her wide haunches toward the table. And as Venus suffered herself to keep her back straight Macrominus tested his weight upon her, and he tried with some trouble to find the best way of sitting upon her.

Verily, Macrominus sat with his legs crossed, and he rocked slightly with eagerness for the momentum that he would soon exact upon Prunella’s jealousies. And he smiled with impunity as he surveyed the snickering lords, for he wagered that their snickering would soon dry up and become idiot silence before long. And as Macrominus sat upon Venus he thought it funny that she should also partake of the swineherd’s flesh, and so he hissed for a slave to bring her a slivering of it.

Next Macrominus called upon one of his slaves to go and fetch Prunella’s tall mirror, for its edges were set in a heavy ornament of wood with three wolf heads carved at the top, and it would serve well to look like a shimmering throne behind him.

This was done, and the mirror was brought forth in such a way that Venus rested her chin upon the raised marble base and gazed in trance upon her reflection, keeping the frame softly embraced so that it would not waver. And above Macrominus the three wolf heads seemed to snarl at the slovenly lords, suffering them to remain fixed in their chairs on pain of death.

But much more terrible was the sneer upon the face of Macrominus, for he sat like a wicked king upon a throne of subjected flesh. And as his sneer widened, Macrominus could feel that he had achieved his momentum upon the lords, and that he could reap them of their wives one by one, slaying the husbands thereafter in legal trials of combat. And as the lords fell silent, Macrominus called forth for one of his slaves and told him, half in mockery and half in madness, to fetch him a crown. The slave assented and left quickly, fearing that the master meant to punish later him by making such a request.

Prunella was little impressed by her husband’s antics, and she whiled indifferently with her horse, fondling his mane. But as she whiled so shamefully she caught sight of her husband in the mirror and saw that there was a red smidgen of blood right behind his ear. She became as curious as a shrew and asked him what cause there was for the blood.

Macrominus smiled and explained before everyone that while darkening his eyes with leeches a particularly willful leech must have somehow crawled from his temple to the back of his ear. But the real truth was very different, for the blood behind his ear had been flung from the swineherd’s flesh as Macrominus had wielded the dagger upon him.

As Macrominus sat upon his chair of subjected flesh he glowered at the wretched vagabond who dared to sit at his table without eating, and he called down to the vagabond. “I know that you will not eat with us, my friend, but perhaps you will be kind enough to have a smoke with us? I have heard that men from the east are very fond of smokes. Perhaps you will try some of ours?”

The vagabond nodded eagerly, for it was his very favorite thing to smoke, and he looked about as a company of slaves brought smoking pipes to the lords. But the slave who brought the vagabond his smoking pipe carried it oddly, and the vagabond was too simple to notice, and he only cared that smoke was coming out the bulb.

Verily, the lords all began to puff their smokes, and Macrominus did the same, blowing several smoke rings into Prunella’s face. The vagabond saw the smoke rings and became most prideful, for he himself could blow much more perfect rings of smoke that a king could wear for a year. But as the vagabond brought the mouthpiece to his lips a slew of blood came out the long shaft of the pipe, going straight down his throat and into his belly.

The vagabond uttered a horrid wailing from the foul taste of the blood, and Macrominus sneered in rapture, for he knew that it was the swineherd’s blood that had been reserved by wax in the pipe. The vagabond uttered mindlessly from his blood stained beard, letting forth in a strange tongue, and he leapt onto the table to get at Macrominus. But Macrominus was quick and called his slaves to lift off the vagabond from the table.

As the slaves carried off the vagabond he gave them great trouble, and he bit and walloped upon them, causing them to lose patience with him until they could no longer bear his touch and instead cast him out the westward element. The vagabond fell upon the rocks and tumbled many times until he finally cracked like an emptied crustacean far below.

Upon hearing the resounding fall, Macrominus left eagerly from the head of the table to look out the westward element. He looked down and saw the broken body of the vagabond staring up at him. Macrominus smiled and spoke aside, “No longer will Death frighten me any more.”

As Macrominus looked upon the body of the vagabond, Verucasoth was able to see herself in the long mirror that stood at the head of the table. She beheld the many tears that had stained her face and saw that they had now dripped upon the rest of her body as well, and it was as if she knelt beneath the shade of a winter tree. The modesty of Verucasoth could no longer allow her to sport herself upon the table, and so she fled silently into the depths of the household to bathe herself.

Macrominus returned to his chair of subjected flesh, and he hissed with laughter as he watched Caemberlychas stuffing his face with a gutsworth of flesh already in his mouth. When Caemberlychas saw that he was being made light of he became red with anger but kept on chewing. And as Macrominus looked down the table he noticed that a new lord had arrived without attendance, and that he wore the head of a goat. Macrominus sneered at the lord, thinking that it was some transgression that brought him to wear the mask.

All of a sudden a horrid scream was heard coming from the depths of the household, and soon Verucasoth came running back into the dining hall. She kept her hands cupped before her and held out the bloodied water from the bath for all to see, for the blood of the swineherd had lingered in the bath of Macrominus.

 

[helgi]

The cooks heard this from the kitchen, and they came forth with the hands and feet of the swineherd, calling Macrominus a murderer. And yet, for all this they did not tell about their own part, and they did not say how they had cooked the swineherd and brought him to the table for the lords to eat. This left if for Macrominus to tell, and he delighted to tell it.

“I kindly admit to a small transgression that I made upon a thief, for I have murdered a man who first sold me a pair of pigs and then robbed me of them. I think perhaps that I am in no debt to his estate, even, for I think that he once lamented to me that he had no wife.

“And I have not foreclosed upon any pig that has wandered into my pigpen, but have foreclosed upon this man’s life to maintain the hospitality of my household. It was he that wandered stupidly into my pigpen, and it was he who owed me a sizeable debt which I now consider paid.

“I did not wish to clog the courts with this embarrassing and regrettable mishap, and so I discreetly consigned the body of the thief to my cooks. And while I have abstained from the putrid flesh of man, you have all had your fill!”

With this said, Macrominus let forth with a foul cackling from atop his chair of subjected flesh. But as Venus heard of the wretched trick she crawled out from under Macrominus and suffered him to tumble to the floor. The great mirror also fell, and it cracked within its frame.

Macrominus continued to laugh as he got himself upright upon the floor, and he was all the more enraptured to see the stricken face of Venus, for she had partaken of the flesh of man, and so had been made into a demigoddess, and she wailed upon the floor like a widow, and she nearly blinded herself with her tears.

The lords became uproarious, and they tried to get a hold of Macrominus, but they were unarmed, and so Macrominus was able to keep them back by thrashing his dagger like a madman, wounding several of the lords upon the arm. And Macrominus looked with great pleasure upon the wounds he inflicted, and he thought himself quite handy with the blade.

But the smiling knights were able to make short work of Macrominus, for as they neared him he dropped his dagger in fright, and they surrounded him on all sides, lifting up their capes to keep hidden the loathsome spectacle of their swords upon the flesh.

As Prunella remained weeping beside her slaughtered husband, the knights took their leave of the wretched affair. They gathered up their remaining horses and left the house of Macrominus without partaking of any spoils. They did not even aspire to claim an extra horse from the stable, but left with Wolfgang and Lionel both upon the back of the same horse as before.

The knights trotted along the narrow streets at an eager pace, and their horses were enlivened by the fresh air. The sun still held in the forth part of the sky, and the knights intended to make good use of the daylight remaining to them, and so they continued their search for a brothel. They had had enough of the tainted hospitality of Macrominus, and they felt sure that any further venture they made that day could only yield them better.

 

[helgi]

for understanding VIII.

the sands before Prunella's chamber are mentioned earlier in the novel. They are a measure to protect her chastity

Macrominus darkens his eyes with leeches before the feast, keeping an ahistorical custom put forth in the fiction. several ahistorical customs are mentioned in the book, and Macrominus even invents false customs to recieve the wandering knights with guile