Constructive criticism needed for a beginning writer

[lovermuffin]

Ephemeral

I suffer from the anguish of allowing your second death,
The corroding memories of your former being fade;
Conscious of your absence, I reminisce on lingering illusions.
Though I struggle to prevent you from wasting away,
Like the thin and dangling vein of a stem
Saving a delicate flower from descent and decay,
A sickeningly silent thief hides in obscurity,
Stealing the dispersed scraps of your remaining flesh,
Exploiting its invisibility, frustrating me just behind my sight,
Using elusive sleights of mind to escape,
And leaving me, frightfully and emptily grasping
For blurry images of nothing.

I cannot escape the responsibility
Of knowing that I destroy you with my addiction.
I crave that painful cycle of self-affliction
Which picks at the festering core
Of every wound that is left behind
By the impression of your absent self.
Technology fills the loss and loneliness,
I allow it to shape and control you:
The immortal plastic visions are there
To hint at who you were,
Withering your essence,
Embalming you within its manufactured memories.

 

[lovermuffin]

gosh, just ignore me then people

 

[laboi_22]

Very deep

I can't offer up much advice on your writing especially since my opinions on this forum are not respected by many, but I thought it was put together well. I can feel the pain of the addict as if I were one myself. Keep writing and don't let anyone here tell you that you suck. They have all told me that many times still I rise!

Justin

 

[Motokid]

Just a quick clarification. Nobody that I know of in this forum has ever said anybody sucked, or that their writting has sucked. Nowhere that I am aware of has anybody ever told anybody to quit writting, or that they are wasting their time.


Write to please yourself. Make yourself happy. Other peoples opinions are much less important than your own.

Have a Great Sunday.

 

[novella]

Hi lovermuffin,

I think what you are driving at here is about a divided self. I might be wrong, though. You need to either clarify that or rewrite without that angle, just as a pure first-person voice (eliminating the 'you'). As is, it's pretty confusing.

Also, the title doesn't add anything to it or say enough.

Another thing you might want to work on is building more concrete images. The imagery is strangely absent, and you do need it in poetry.

 

[lovermuffin]

well thanks, moto and laboi.
As for the meaning of the poem, i used the "you" when i refer to the person who died. Im hurt by his absence, but i keep reflecting on his absence, willfully feeling the pain as he slowly disappears, relying on photographs to keep him alive in my mind. The abstractness of the poem comes from reflecting on something that isn’t there, I didn’t want to clutter it up with similes or whatever. Oh, and the title is just a word I like, describing the person im talking about… I think this poem just has too much personal meaning, but thank you novella for expressing where the meaning gets lost- ive wondered about this problem for a while

 

[Motokid]

Hi. Would you care to come to this thread, read the whole thing and provide comments? You are new to the forum and we would like your input.

thanks

http://forums.thebookforum.com/showthread.php?t=6305