mr_michel
kickbox
Dear Alcohol,
First and foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge
fan of yours. My friend, you always seem to be there
when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer
with the game, and you're even around in the holidays
hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're
stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings.
However, lately I've been wondering about your
intentions. While I want to believe that you have my
best interests at heart, I feel that your influence
has led to some unwise consequences, briefed below
for your review.
1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that
communication is important, I question the suggestion
that any conversation of substance or necessity takes
place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those
ex-boyfriends/girlfriends when I know for a fact they
do not want to hear from me during the day, let alone
all hours of the night?
2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why
do you suggest that I eat a chicken souvlaki (or two),
half a dozen chicken wings, a chiko roll and a bag of
chips while waiting for my kebab?
3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me
that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I
see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to
fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black
and blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously
the next day are beyond me. Similarly, it should
never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front
door key into the lock.
4. Pictures: This can be a blessing in disguise, as it
can often clarify the last point below, but the
following costumes are banned from ever being placed
on my head in public again: wigs, sombreros, bows,
ties, boxes, upside-down cups, inflatable balloon
animals, traffic cones, or bras. Also, what is with
you making me take pictures with people I clearly
don't like when I'm sober? Yet they suddenly become
my best friends when a flash is presented?
5. Beer Goggles: If I think I may know him/her from
somewhere, I most likely do not. Please do not request
that I go over and see if in fact, I do actually know
that person. Please stop me from talking to the
guy/girl with the crooked teeth; acned-up face; bad
breath, beer belly, etc. Why are they so appealing to
me while I'm with you & why are they so disgusting to
me the next morning after you have worn off??
6. Hangovers: They have GOT to stop. This is getting
ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous
evening's debauchery may be in order, but the 3 p.m.
hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My
entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper
precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread
products, aspirin) prior to going to bed/passing out
face-down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn,
the hangover should be minimal and in no way interfere
with my daily Saturday or Sunday (or any day for that
matter) activities.
Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years
now & would like to ensure that we remain on good
terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the
provocation for much laughter, and the needed
companion when I'm bored, or just don't know what to
do with the extra money in my pockets. In order to
continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully
review my grievances above and address them
immediately. I will look for an answer no later than
Thursday 3 p.m. (pre-happy hour) on your possible
solutions and hopefully we can continue this fruitful
partnership.
Thank you,
From your biggest fan.
First and foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge
fan of yours. My friend, you always seem to be there
when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer
with the game, and you're even around in the holidays
hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're
stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings.
However, lately I've been wondering about your
intentions. While I want to believe that you have my
best interests at heart, I feel that your influence
has led to some unwise consequences, briefed below
for your review.
1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that
communication is important, I question the suggestion
that any conversation of substance or necessity takes
place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those
ex-boyfriends/girlfriends when I know for a fact they
do not want to hear from me during the day, let alone
all hours of the night?
2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why
do you suggest that I eat a chicken souvlaki (or two),
half a dozen chicken wings, a chiko roll and a bag of
chips while waiting for my kebab?
3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me
that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I
see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to
fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black
and blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously
the next day are beyond me. Similarly, it should
never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front
door key into the lock.
4. Pictures: This can be a blessing in disguise, as it
can often clarify the last point below, but the
following costumes are banned from ever being placed
on my head in public again: wigs, sombreros, bows,
ties, boxes, upside-down cups, inflatable balloon
animals, traffic cones, or bras. Also, what is with
you making me take pictures with people I clearly
don't like when I'm sober? Yet they suddenly become
my best friends when a flash is presented?
5. Beer Goggles: If I think I may know him/her from
somewhere, I most likely do not. Please do not request
that I go over and see if in fact, I do actually know
that person. Please stop me from talking to the
guy/girl with the crooked teeth; acned-up face; bad
breath, beer belly, etc. Why are they so appealing to
me while I'm with you & why are they so disgusting to
me the next morning after you have worn off??
6. Hangovers: They have GOT to stop. This is getting
ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous
evening's debauchery may be in order, but the 3 p.m.
hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My
entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper
precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread
products, aspirin) prior to going to bed/passing out
face-down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn,
the hangover should be minimal and in no way interfere
with my daily Saturday or Sunday (or any day for that
matter) activities.
Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years
now & would like to ensure that we remain on good
terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the
provocation for much laughter, and the needed
companion when I'm bored, or just don't know what to
do with the extra money in my pockets. In order to
continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully
review my grievances above and address them
immediately. I will look for an answer no later than
Thursday 3 p.m. (pre-happy hour) on your possible
solutions and hopefully we can continue this fruitful
partnership.
Thank you,
From your biggest fan.
