ShrewdSpirit
New Member
This is the first 15 pages of my book. Tell me what you think...
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Delivery Driver Book Excerpt-What do you think?
- Thread starter ShrewdSpirit
- Start date
WriterJohnB
Member
You should post your work directly on the forum. Most people won't go to an unknown site that might be a set-up with a virus or something. But, seeing as it's your first post, I took a look. The writing is okay, no obvious problems with spelling, sentence structure, etc., which is better than I see with most beginners.
This is like most beginning writers' work, in that it's way too wordy. I would imagine that most people know that neighborhoods are made up of rows and columns of streets, for instance. Most people also know what employment applications are like, what pizza joints look like, etc. Unless something has to do with the plot, you don't want to mention it, unless you're describing to set the scene or the mood.
After all these pages, I still don't know what the book is about. Is it going to be just page after page of mundane details about the life of a delivery driver? If so, who's going to be interested? Detail after never-ending detail, every single one about the life of a boring, do-little pizza guy. People read for excitement, not to be bored by the mundane experiences of a driver. Sorry, but this is really boring. I'd suggest you join a writer's group, get a book about how to write fiction: plot, theme, etc. Join other writing forums and see how other writers start a book. Did it catch your interest? If so, why? Then try imitating a writer you admire. Soon, you'll learn the ropes and then develop your own style.
Don't be discouraged, though. I had the same problem with too much detail when I began writing. Just keep writing, keep reading and keep an open mind. You'll learn.
One more note: numbers are generally spelled out in fiction. It's not $2.55. "That'll be two-fifty-five," the clerk said."
Hope that helps,
JohnB
This is like most beginning writers' work, in that it's way too wordy. I would imagine that most people know that neighborhoods are made up of rows and columns of streets, for instance. Most people also know what employment applications are like, what pizza joints look like, etc. Unless something has to do with the plot, you don't want to mention it, unless you're describing to set the scene or the mood.
After all these pages, I still don't know what the book is about. Is it going to be just page after page of mundane details about the life of a delivery driver? If so, who's going to be interested? Detail after never-ending detail, every single one about the life of a boring, do-little pizza guy. People read for excitement, not to be bored by the mundane experiences of a driver. Sorry, but this is really boring. I'd suggest you join a writer's group, get a book about how to write fiction: plot, theme, etc. Join other writing forums and see how other writers start a book. Did it catch your interest? If so, why? Then try imitating a writer you admire. Soon, you'll learn the ropes and then develop your own style.
Don't be discouraged, though. I had the same problem with too much detail when I began writing. Just keep writing, keep reading and keep an open mind. You'll learn.
One more note: numbers are generally spelled out in fiction. It's not $2.55. "That'll be two-fifty-five," the clerk said."
Hope that helps,
JohnB
ShrewdSpirit
New Member
Thanks for Input
Thank you for your input. I realize some of it may be a bit boring, and that's one of the challenges of writing a book like this, to make it juicy, amusing, and interesting. I tried to inject some humor in it, and I will go back and embellish it with some more interesting material. I believe I may be the first person to write a novel about this subject, and I wanted to give an accurate portrayal of the work. I have not found any delivery driver books on the Internet. I know about plot, theme, etc. and I'll try to work that in there. But the main appeal of this book will be the crazy, funny stories. The first part of the excerpt was mainly to set everything up, and I got going on the good stuff toward the end; the rest of the book will be more like that. Did you find some of the stuff amusing? What about sex in the novel; I want to put that in to get readers' interest, but I'm not sure where to draw the line. Your input is appreciated. Thank you...
BTW, I thought this was in the right part of the forum, what do u mean?
Thank you for your input. I realize some of it may be a bit boring, and that's one of the challenges of writing a book like this, to make it juicy, amusing, and interesting. I tried to inject some humor in it, and I will go back and embellish it with some more interesting material. I believe I may be the first person to write a novel about this subject, and I wanted to give an accurate portrayal of the work. I have not found any delivery driver books on the Internet. I know about plot, theme, etc. and I'll try to work that in there. But the main appeal of this book will be the crazy, funny stories. The first part of the excerpt was mainly to set everything up, and I got going on the good stuff toward the end; the rest of the book will be more like that. Did you find some of the stuff amusing? What about sex in the novel; I want to put that in to get readers' interest, but I'm not sure where to draw the line. Your input is appreciated. Thank you...
BTW, I thought this was in the right part of the forum, what do u mean?
WriterJohnB
Member
It is in the right part of the forum, but I had to click on a link to read it. You should post (paste) it right below where you wrote: What do you think? For one thing, I can't go back and look at your manuscript to check my memory. Notice that you can go down and read all of the prior thread while you are submitting your reply.
Your comments about "setting up" are valid, but:
If you start off with one of the funny stories FIRST, the reader can be filled in on the "set-up" later. The set-up is called backstory and should be given to the reader during the action. You can't wait to give "the good stuff" later, the reader will have put the book back on the shelf. Start somewhere between the beginning and end of the actual story, not with the backstory. This is called in media res.
Joe Blow knocked and waited, quickly checking to make sure the type of pizza matched the delivery ticket. Yep, pepperoni and mushrooms.
The door opened and Joe nearly fell over.
There stood (the meanest, biggest son of a bitch he'd ever seen) (a gorgeous blond, wearing a shirt unbuttoned nearly down to her waist) (his bitch of an ex-girlfriend, a person he'd hoped never to see again.)
That's an opening. Give your reader credit. Now a reader will assume that Joe was once hired to be a pizza delivery guy, assume he works at a pizza shop that makes pizzas, assume he's either a young guy or an old guy down on his luck, but doesn't need to know which, at this point. The reader will want to know what the person who opened the door is going to do. (the author hopes) If so, you've caught the reader's interest and he'll read on for a bit more.
Some writers tell a person's story from birth. Some start when the character wakes up in the morning, as you did. Almost all beginning writers, including me, started their novels that way. It's a mistake, unless he wakes up in a locked cell or something, but even that's been done so often it's become a cliche.
The opening above introduces conflict almost immediately. Once you've got conflict, your MC must solve it. Voila, you've already got plot in 3 short paras. And it doesn't matter if the conflict is temporary. Once your MC solves the first conflict, give him another one (this is where cliffhangers come in)
Okay, that's enough for one day. Learn the modern tricks of good writing (some older tricks were once good, but they've been overused). An agent or editor won't "wait" for the good stuff, you have to catch his/her interest immediately or your manuscript is rejected.
As for the funny stories about pizza guys, almost everyone at work (Those who know I'm a writer) has told me I should write about the funny shit that happens at our workplace. I won't do it. The funny stuff has to be a side-bar to a real story, something that connects those funny incidents. Some problem (a stutter, impotence, shyness, etc.) that your character must overcome in these delivery encounters, perhaps. A crazy ex-girlfriend stalking him, perhaps. Someone thinks he's a narc informant using pizza delivery as his cover, perhaps. Or maybe just some shadowy figure lurking in the background in all of the (hopefully funny) stories.
Okay, my lunch break is over.
Take care,
JohnB
Your comments about "setting up" are valid, but:
If you start off with one of the funny stories FIRST, the reader can be filled in on the "set-up" later. The set-up is called backstory and should be given to the reader during the action. You can't wait to give "the good stuff" later, the reader will have put the book back on the shelf. Start somewhere between the beginning and end of the actual story, not with the backstory. This is called in media res.
Joe Blow knocked and waited, quickly checking to make sure the type of pizza matched the delivery ticket. Yep, pepperoni and mushrooms.
The door opened and Joe nearly fell over.
There stood (the meanest, biggest son of a bitch he'd ever seen) (a gorgeous blond, wearing a shirt unbuttoned nearly down to her waist) (his bitch of an ex-girlfriend, a person he'd hoped never to see again.)
That's an opening. Give your reader credit. Now a reader will assume that Joe was once hired to be a pizza delivery guy, assume he works at a pizza shop that makes pizzas, assume he's either a young guy or an old guy down on his luck, but doesn't need to know which, at this point. The reader will want to know what the person who opened the door is going to do. (the author hopes) If so, you've caught the reader's interest and he'll read on for a bit more.
Some writers tell a person's story from birth. Some start when the character wakes up in the morning, as you did. Almost all beginning writers, including me, started their novels that way. It's a mistake, unless he wakes up in a locked cell or something, but even that's been done so often it's become a cliche.
The opening above introduces conflict almost immediately. Once you've got conflict, your MC must solve it. Voila, you've already got plot in 3 short paras. And it doesn't matter if the conflict is temporary. Once your MC solves the first conflict, give him another one (this is where cliffhangers come in)
Okay, that's enough for one day. Learn the modern tricks of good writing (some older tricks were once good, but they've been overused). An agent or editor won't "wait" for the good stuff, you have to catch his/her interest immediately or your manuscript is rejected.
As for the funny stories about pizza guys, almost everyone at work (Those who know I'm a writer) has told me I should write about the funny shit that happens at our workplace. I won't do it. The funny stuff has to be a side-bar to a real story, something that connects those funny incidents. Some problem (a stutter, impotence, shyness, etc.) that your character must overcome in these delivery encounters, perhaps. A crazy ex-girlfriend stalking him, perhaps. Someone thinks he's a narc informant using pizza delivery as his cover, perhaps. Or maybe just some shadowy figure lurking in the background in all of the (hopefully funny) stories.
Okay, my lunch break is over.
Take care,
JohnB