Do These Sentences Make Any Sense?

[-Carlos-]

Can you tell what is happening?

Sandra's mascara trickled black tears once she realized her fear of capture. She was parked near his apartment building – in her usual hiding place. Her crimson stained lips, smeared in tight creases, relaxed when he materialized forthwith from the shadows. She softened her crimped jaw, beamed delight, and wiped the faint inky traces off her cheeks. He entered the car with a brisk, smooth motion, grasped her distressed hand, and kissed her deeply in want of passion.

Thanks.


__

 

[Peder]

Yes, certainly.

 

[-Carlos-]

Yes, certainly.

What is happening Peder?
I have an issue with clarity in my writing.

 

[Peder]

What is happening Peder?
I have an issue with clarity in my writing.

A woman who is trying to evade capture [by parties not mentioned] has driven to her boyfriend's apartment building and parked out of sight, to hide in her usual place and wait for him. He emerges from the shadows and she is pleased to see him. He quickly climbs into the car and gives her a big kiss.

Close enough?

 

[beer good]

It's comprehensible, yes. If that's all you're going for, you've succeeded.

 

[Polly Parrot]

Sandra's mascara trickled black tears once she realized her fear of capture. She was parked near his apartment building – in her usual hiding place. Her crimson stained lips, smeared in tight creases, relaxed when he materialized forthwith from the shadows. She softened her crimped jaw, beamed delight, and wiped the faint inky traces off her cheeks. He entered the car with a brisk, smooth motion, grasped her distressed hand, and kissed her deeply in want of passion.

It's kind of vague. You're using too many adjectives and adverbs, which makes it difficult for anyone to see what it is you're trying to say.
Also, I wouldn't use "forthwith" and "in want of". Forthwith is a bit awkward and old-fashioned and "in want of" is ambiguous as to its meaning: it can mean both that the man wants to kiss the woman in the heat of passion or that there is a lack of passion in him, which is how I initially read it.

 

[Stewart]

Aside from the unnecessary adjectives, you may want to ask yourself if some of it is really necessary? Is the fact she is wearing make-up important to the story? If not, cut it.

Also, think about the sentences:

He entered the car with a brisk, smooth motion...

This can be made brisker like so:

He slipped into the car

Now, think about other things, like how you describe things. When you say "her distressed hand", I doubt very much that her hand is actually distressed, but that she's visibly distressed, a detail told by the shaking of her hand.

I suppose the other thing is to stop stretching for the poetic ("black tears"; "crimson stained lips") and restrain yourself in. Just say what it is and, if you think it needs a qualifying adjective, by all means put it in. But if mascara is by default black, then is there any need to tell us that the tears are black? The insinuation is there, and that should be enough.

 

[-Carlos-]

I am a member of another bored where real-world writer - folks who actually make a living writing - join in the conversation of the craft. I posted more of the story on that board and boy did I get some harsh (but important) critiques. Here is some more:

Sandra's mascara trickled black tears once she realized her fear of capture. She was parked near his apartment building – in her usual hiding place. Her crimson stained lips, smeared in tight creases, relaxed when he materialized forthwith from the shadows. She softened her crimped jaw, beamed delight, and wiped the faint inky traces off her cheeks. He entered the car with a brisk, smooth motion, grasped her distressed hand, and kissed her deeply in want of passion. He quickly noted her apprehension and leaned close to her ear.

“It's fine. Don't you worry your little head over anything. He won't even know that we are...”

“But what if he does? What if he finds out? He's not right don't you know? He's crazy.”

“Let's forget about him tonight. Can you do that Sandra?”

She gave him a weak smile before turning on the ignition.

_____

At its zenith, the sun beat the earth in waves of humid fire. Milton, in khaki shorts and a sleeveless muscle shirt, was well used to the June climate of the region. Besides, the month of June was the only time that the (bird species?) appeared. The diminutive, pudgy fellow peered skillfully through his binoculars scoping the (tree species?) for the elusive (features/behavior?) species.

_

 

[Landslide]

I also think you use too many adjectives Aqua. Instead of clearing the story to me, they make it harder to follow it cause it's too much detail... For example when you say a "sleeveless muscle shirt" you could have just said a sleeveless shirt and we'd still get the picture.

 

[beer good]

Don't you worry your little head over anything.

Just out of curiosity, is the guy supposed to come across as a bit of a douchebag? If he is, great, if not, well...

He's not right don't you know?
Can you do that Sandra?

Use commas.

At its zenith, the sun beat the earth in waves of humid fire.

Apart from the fact that "humid fire" is an awkward metaphor (I hope it's a metaphor), this sounds less like "warm summer" and more like "full-on apocalypse". And "of the region" sounds complicated - why not simply say where he is, or use the good old word "here"?

The diminutive, pudgy fellow

Is that Milton? Why not simply call him Milton, then? Or "He"? As it is, it sounds like it's two different people in this paragraph. Also, don't use "diminitive" unless you really mean that he's about 3 feet tall. Also, you don't look for "species", you look for birds. Especially since it will probably be difficult to tell what species they are when they're incinerated by all the humid fire pouring down from the heavens.

You keep making this unnecessarily complicated. Big words don't make your text better. Say what's happening.

 

[sparkchaser]

I also think you use too many adjectives Aqua. Instead of clearing the story to me, they make it harder to follow it cause it's too much detail... For example when you say a "sleeveless muscle shirt" you could have just said a sleeveless shirt and we'd still get the picture.

Not only that but by definition all muscle shirts are sleeveless.

 

[manuscriptx]

" beam me up scotty "

.....when he materialized forthwith from the shadows



I don't like the sound (tone) of that phrase; while I understand the visual; the words seem ridiculous. Makes me think he's appearing there by way of teleportation off The Starship Enterprise.

 

[sparkchaser]

Maybe it's a SciFi story?

 

[-Carlos-]

Okay.Thanks.

Work, work, work...it's fine...I like writer so work (for me) is play.

 

[Polly Parrot]

O and unless she is being chased by the cops or something, I wouldn't use "for fear of capture" either.

 

[-Carlos-]

She is actually afraid that she might be discovered by her husband. She is cheating on him with the man in her car. The husband is the bird watcher.

 

[-Carlos-]

You guys should read how harshly (constructive critiques) they are letting me have it in the forum I mentioned earlier - the writers forum where I am a member. I love it when those in the know (those who know writing) tell it like it is. I benefit greatly. They tell be (pretty much) to keep it simple. They say it reads like heavy prose which does not sell.

So, for me, it's an issue of subtraction.

 

[Polly Parrot]

And since most on here aren't professional writers you don't take the critiques seriously?

And to me, saying that it's "heavy prose", just sounds like a polite way to say it's crap.

 

[-Carlos-]

No Polly. I value this board. They don't say it's crap at all - to my delight. They would tell me straight-up it was. I would not get offended if the feedback is constructive. Who would?

Your words have a tension Polly. I hope you are not holding any bad emotions towards me Polly. I know how I've been in the past and I regret it. It's in the past...let's leave it there for everyone's sake. Especially my own. I want to make amends.

 

[Landslide]

She is actually afraid that she might be discovered by her husband. She is cheating on him with the man in her car. The husband is the bird watcher.

If she's "just" cheating on her husband then I think the expression "for fear of capture" was a bad choise. You should go with fear of being discovered or fear of being caught, or something along that line. The way you put it had me thinking she was running from someone (police or bad guy).

Also we get it already that you're having lot's of constructive criticism in a "real writers" forum. You don't have to keep mentioning it. What you could do is use all the input your getting here and on that other forum and rewrite your text and, if you want to, show it to us and to the people on the other forum.