Dreams Were Meant for Sleeping

[hannah21992]

Hello I started writing a short story that has grown to 15 pages on Word... I don't really know how this works yet so I will post the first little few paragraphs of it for critiques. I can add more later for anyone who is interested (or email). I am 15 and far from being good at this stuff, so that is why I want some opinions! I don't think you can tell much from this little bit, but it can only be so long (14445 characters?) as you guys are probably already aware.

Well, it is my first post on here so bare with me as I figure all this stuff out!


---------------------------CHAPTER ONE---------------------------


The sun beat down on Anna Miller’s neck, but she couldn’t feel it. Serenity’s shod hooves beat silently on the hard dirt path. Anna glanced around noting her surroundings like she usually did. To her left and right, brush lined the path making it impossible in some places to see into the woods. Up ahead the path curved around and suddenly she recognized where she was. Good, she thought. Now all I have to do is wait.
No sooner had that thought crossed her mind, when a boy crashed threw the bushes and stopped short when he saw her. His face was blurry and Anna couldn’t make out anything else because everything was growing dark. Slowly the woods, the path, and lastly the boy faded into blackness.

Groggily Anna came to where she had fallen in the middle of her bedroom floor. Looking around, as things came into focus, she knew it must be early morning. What had I been doing? My dreams don’t come unless I am sleeping… Thoroughly confused, Anna sat up and tried to recall what had happened.

I don’t even remember if I got out of bed or not! How did I end up down here? Worried about the time that she had been blacked out and thoughts reeling, Anna jumped up and grabbed a pair of jeans off the chair in the corner of her room. Then, stepping in front of her mirror, she pulled a t-shirt on.
Her reflection revealed a five-foot-six, sixteen year old girl with dark brown hair that cascaded down a little past her shoulders. Her green eyes stood out brilliantly with her tanned, olive skin and by definition, she was quite beautiful.

 

[crazy4pandas123]

Hey this is the first time I have read your paper. Its pretty good. I think I want to read more. You should post the whole thing on your blog!

 

[hannah21992]

haha, or you could read it from your email! It gets better, I promise, I just didn't want to post too much of it because if it is 15 pages, people tend to not want to read it! lol!

anyone else?

 

[crazy4pandas123]

hey hannah your online?!

 

[hannah21992]

question!

****** I am writing more at the moment, but had a question about this sentence. Does it make sense to anyone? lol! All you need to know is that this guy is terribly embarassed....

His cheeks reddened again and burned as though embarrassment was their fuel.

 

[WriterJohnB]

Some good stuff here, Hannah. Not bad for a young writer. Cut the verbiage and eliminate the contradictory. If she can't feel it, why mention the sun on her neck? If the hooves are silent, why would she notice it? If she's in a dream, why "usually?"

Hello


---------------------------CHAPTER ONE---------------------------


The sun beat down on Anna Miller’s neck. Serenity’s shod hooves beat on the hard dirt path. Anna glanced around. To her left and right, brush lined the path, making it impossible to see into the woods. Up ahead the path curved around and suddenly she recognized where she was. Good, she thought. Now all I have to do is wait.
A boy crashed thrOUGH the bushes and stopped short when he saw her. Anna couldn’t make out his face; everything was growing dark. Slowly the woods, the path, and lastly the boy faded into blackness.

Groggily Anna came to. She had fallen in the middle of her bedroom floor. Looking around, as things came into focus, she knew it must be early morning. What have I been doing? My dreams don’t come unless I am sleeping… Thoroughly confused, Anna sat up and tried to recall what had happened.

I don’t even remember if I got out of bed or not! How did I end up down here? Anna jumped up and grabbed a pair of jeans. Steppingin front of her mirror, she pulled a t-shirt on.
Her reflection revealed a five-foot-six, sixteen year old girl with dark brown hair that cascaded down past her shoulders. Her green eyes stood out brilliantly with her tanned, olive skin and by definition, she was quite beautiful.

Good stuff, just economize your words. I like your use of the mirror to describe the character, which has long been an author's tool.

Keep it up, young lady.

JohnB

 

[WriterJohnB]

His cheeks reddened again and burned as though embarrassment was their fuel. [/I]

His cheeks reddened again and burned, fueled by embarassment. Just a suggestion.

JohnB

 

[hannah21992]

Thank you very much for your reply! The reason why I had that sun and hoof part was because of something that happens later... You sorta have to read the whole thing to understand why her dreams are important XD I will post that little part that has to do with the sun:

By the time she reached the trails that were a few miles from her house it was around midday. As she rode, the sun beat down on her neck, and this time she could feel. “Phew!” she said reaching up and whipping sweat off her forehead. Since she had noted the settings in her dream, she headed straight to the trail were she had seen the boy. Yep, this is the place! To either side of the trail was the brush and up ahead was the bend in the path. So where is the…Before Anna could even complete her thought a boy burst from the brush and stopped short when he saw her.

I don't know, I thought it was good contrast or something? And I like the way you worded that sentence better Thanks again for your help!

*posting more of story in next post*

 

[hannah21992]

I don’t know who that boy was, but he is going to change my life, she concluded as she spun around and tip toed out of her room and down the hall. Never before had her dreams, or rather premonitions, come when she hadn’t been asleep. Something was wrong. Maybe not “bad” wrong, but something was definitely out of place.

When she got to the kitchen, she turned right and stepped out the back door and onto the porch where she pulled on her boots. Then she stood up and walked out into the misty morning towards the barn and three horses that her family owned. Remembering her dream she thought, it won’t be like this in a few hours. I think it is going to be a scorcher!

When she reached the barn she pulled back one of the sliding doors and walked into the place she loved. She breathed in the horsey smell and smiled when she saw three heads pop over the stall doors and heard them each whicker to her. “Good morning Serenity, Airya, and Freddy!” she said, reciting her normal morning greeting.

Serenity was a full blooded quarter horse whose coppery chestnut coat was always glistening. She had a full blaze that ran down her face and four high stockings that really made her stand out in a crowd. Airya was a young paint filly. She was very unusual because, though she looked similar to Serenity, her chestnut coat was roaned with white hairs. She had a flaxen mane and tail, a long blaze that went under her chin and around her jaws, a large spot on her stomach that came around her heart girth and up to her shoulder, and of course, four white stockings. Freddy was an older gelding that had been Anna’s first horse. He was a flea bitten grey and the sweetest thing ever.

Anna went around and gave each of the horses their ration of grain and hay and then went to work mucking out the stalls. Unlike other girls, she didn’t mind this chore. She liked talking to the horses and the overall time she got to spend with them. It was rare to find someone who wouldn’t judge you.

By the time she had finished up the last stall the sun was well above the horizon and the fog had cleared. “This is going to be an important day girl!” she mentioned as she buckled her horse’s halter and led her to the cross-ties. Bringing all her supplies from the tack room to the barn isle she began brushing Serenity down. Next she threw her saddle pad on and heaved her western saddle onto her broad back. After tightening the girth she slipped the bridle on and was about to leave when she realized this was not going to be a predictable day. The dream had come under weird circumstances and she wasn’t going to take any chances.


**to me his part seems a little choppy and maybe not descriptive enough?**

 

[nyse]

Slowly the woods, the path, and lastly the boy faded into blackness.

When you're working on a novel, a bland sentence like this becomes necessary to pass information, but in shorter works, you should make all your words shine. <<Metafore>>>
EG. Slowly (how slowly? 'Like twilight descending in her mind---' or perhaps a quicker 'As shadows encroaching on a guttering candle---' the woods, the path, and lastly the boy faded into blackness. (I've never liked the phrase 'faded into blackess' and it's so overused that it's almost a cliche. She is waking up at this point, so instead of 'fade to black' how about something like 'swirled to the mists of recall' instead.

Her green eyes stood out brilliantly with her tanned, olive skin and by definition, she was quite beautiful.

An author's job is to create pictures in a readers imagination. I like your description of the girl--right up to the point where you bluntly tell me that she was 'quite beautiful'. Try sneaking the word 'beautiful' in more subtly.

Her green eyes stood out brilliantly with her tanned, olive skin and 'her beautifully sculptured cheekbones'.

 

[nyse]

She had a flaxen mane and tail, a long blaze that went under her chin and around her jaws, a large spot on her stomach that came around her heart girth and up to her shoulder, and of course, four white stockings.

I've noticed that you employ some very long sentences. A professional editor once told me that shorter ones have more punch: that seems to follow true. A reader tires of the long thread or worse, he has to peruse it again to catch the full drift. You've interrupted your own flow.

The : gives a slight break but shows the thoughts are still connected.