Okay, I'm bored, get over it. Xmas shopping is done and the family is watching Star Wars. The crap one - Phantom Menace. Move about your business people.
Jessie was tall, dark and quiet handsome.
Firstly, you mean 'quiet handsome'. Secondly, unless you are a fortune-telling gypsy, this is a staggering work of cliche. Staggering.
But he was also a pushover and whenever a rough and tough guy walked up to him, Jessie would summit almost instantly.
Jessie is a guy, right? You might want to quickly change "summit" to 'submit' or else you are throwing aspersions on his sexuality. Even so...
"Rough and tough guy" is very immature writing, very child-like in its phrasing. Thug, hard man, bruiser...think of anything else.
"Almost instantly" it's either instant or it's not. There's no varying degrees of 'instant'.
Jessie was, by far, the most intellectual person that Jenny had every met.
Fine - I hope we get to see some of that legendary intellect rather than you just tell us.
Always courteous, mild tempered, and warm toward everyone he met, Jenny knew that he could overcome his anxieties and build-up a strong backbone – Jessie knew he had the means to stand alone and fight for his dignity.
Waaaaaaay too much in this sentence. Short sentences are okay. Full stops are your friend.
"Mild tempered" has a hypen.
"Build-up a strong backbone" - unnecessary hypen and he can just simply 'build a backbone' or 'grow a backbone', we don't really build up one. The reader will understand your point about his need to stand up for himself.
Jenny wanted to share with Jessie some up building words, but she had to do so with an eye on Bruce, Jenny’s very protective boyfriend, for he was quite jealous and highly protective of her.
Ye gods. What the holy hell are "building words"? Clearly, you mean words of encouragement, words of support, words to garner courage, strength...backbone.
And remember simple sentences, until you are good enough a writer to handle several clauses with deft, then stick to one point, one clause. Or maybe 2. Go for it.
The smallest of complements aimed towards her from a male acquaints would tap the madness that drove Bruce’s loud scenes in both public or on canvas. Bruce would exhibition a nerve wrenching scene.
"Complements" is compliments. You don't aim compliments unless you intend to mortally wound - say 'directed at her...offered to her...given'. "Acquaints" is acquaintances. Or acquaintance. I am not sure which you intended and mangled.
"Would tap the madness that drove Bruce's loud scenes in both public or on canvas" - arrrrrggghhh. I am guessing you mean, the compliments from other men would spark Bruce's anger and would result in a scene no matter if they were in public or at home, in private. You didn't say that and I am just bamboozled why you thought it ok to write and make public that hideous collection of words. Or even in canvas.
"Bruce would exhibition a nerve wrenching scene" - simply correcting your sentence so that it makes sense gives you 'Bruce would exhibit a nerve-wrenching scene'.
Now stylistically and logically, I have to question you word choice. 'Exhibit', unless he is a gallery owner, this is too much. And can he exhibit a scene all by himself? Whose nerves are wrenched? What is this man - a banshee? It's all just too, too much. Why not just "Bruce would create a drama", "Bruce would create a scene that would upset..."? Something along those lines - I am not going to write the damn piece for you. Neither will you re-write so what's the bleedin' point?
It was Bruce’s idea, or course, to find the lost gold of the (ship's name); but it was through Jessie’s intellect that such the expedition would end in success.
Insert the ship's name. You are the creator - create!
"Through Jessie's intellect" - say he's the brains of the expedition whilst Bruce had the idea. You are trying to be wordy and clever and look intelligent yourself and you are fooling no one.
Bruce needed Jessie on board or all was lost before it even began. So Bruce tried mightily to keep his hostile nature under raps so as to keep Jessie willing to take on the journey – a treasure hunt is what it was.
"Hostile nature" - just say anger, jealousy, rage...keep it simple.
"under raps" - unless 50 Cent is on top of Bruce, it is "under wraps". But better to say controlled, suppressed, buried (which fits in nicely with the theme of your piece).
The coda to this sentence, the bit after the dash, does not follow from what you have said. That needs it's own sentence - or even it's own paragraph.
Your writing style is very passive and that needs to be addressed. "So as to keep Jessie will to take on the journey" could be zooshed up to read "to ensure Jessie was a willing and enthusiastic passenger/explorer/traveller". Damn, I ain't writing for you.
Jenny was a botany major so she, accepted the quest into the eastern portion of the Amazon river basin.
Misplaced comma, it should be "Jenny was a botany major, so she accepted..."
You are giving us information after the event here. You should have told us first why Jenny was included in the journey, which would then explain to the reader, without spelling it out, why she had to be kept sweet, why she had to come on the journey.
It's like you have the thought process of 'Action/Conflict - Jenny must come on the trip. Bruce has to keep his anger under wraps. Jenny might not come. Oh crap, better tell the reader why she is coming. Pontiac types "Oh by the way, Jenny is integral to the trip because she is a botany major. But what has that got to do with a treasure hunt? Nothing but it's why she comes on the trip. Because Bruce has to keep his anger under wraps or she won't come. But why does she have to come? 'Cause she's a botany major. What's that got to do with treasure? Nothing, but I can't be bothered thinking of any other intelligent sounding reason for her to come and botany major sounds goooooood."
I like the word "botany" too. But then I am not going to have to do some real botany research at a later date to make my character believable or my novel believable. Inca Gold or Spanish Gold are good for a treasure hunt by the way. Not crystal skulls though.
