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Feedback would be gr8 :)

Steve2708

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I am writing a book at the moment, but am very new to this. So far i think it's going well but would appreciate some feed back on the book. So far I have written in excess of 17,000 words and would like to see how people like it so far. Is there a way i can upload the document so those that want to can read and post back their opinions.

Oh i've just registered so hello... hopefully you'll here lots from me :)
 
Hello Steve, welcome to the forum.

I'd say that instead of uploading the entire 17,000 words, just copy/paste an extract.:)
 
Ty :)

Here goes

The clock that sat on the corner of a large oak desk was ticking monotonously, broken only by the rapping of finger tips on keys as Sam Eden typed in his e-mail address in yet another website hosting all forms of bizarre porn from Fisting to golden showers. Waiting while the web page slowly came to form. Sam swept back his blonde hair as the graphic images filled the screen. He glanced warily to the study door. Footsteps were approaching vividly in his imagination yet the hallway lay quiet. He concentrated on the thin wisp of light, which struggled to break the gap between the door and the pine frame. Imagination…. A brief click from the hard drive regained his concentration. One small window, ‘you have Mail’.
Passwords to these sites usually took at least an hour to reach his in box, but considering the delights that lay ahead he opened his e–mail.

Sam…. Run…….I can’t lose you.

Tim Burns
Broad Time Logistics Plc

He gazed at the words, trying desperately to comprehend how they new him, his e-mail address must be on so many mailing lists. Tim Burns…Tim Burns… He could think of no one he new called Tim. Yet the name did seem familiar. Again his imagination was drawn away by footsteps. They seemed more vivid then before, maybe the e-mail had made him paranoid. The small wisp of light flickered as though momentarily obscured. The clock still ticked on, yet all Sam could hear was his own heartbeat, 2:13am. He concentrated on the door. His heart sped as he heard muffled noises coming from the adjacent room. His mum never stirred at night. Not since she had taken up sleeping in the spare room. Dad couldn’t possibly have come down the stairs. The place was a solid house yet the stairs always alerted you of movement.
Again the light was obscured, but this time it did not seem to filter back through. He could hear breathing, and a humming. He nearly called out but the light returned and footsteps faded down the hall. The adjacent bedroom was quiet yet again. The stairs creaked.
Sam made an effort to close the haunting e-mail, and all web pages that incriminated him for using his dad’s computer. Slowly rising to his feet, he approached the door, still fixing all his attention on the wisp of light.
He reached for the brass knob and turned it very slowly. The noise from the door jam seemed to reverberate through his body, yet he new it was hardly audible. The door opened silently. Light flooded the study and Sam emerged slowly from the doorway, now looking intensely at the open door to his right. His Mum’s room appeared still yet he was sure that he could see a figure beneath the sheets. Maybe his dad had come down the stairs, yet he was certain that he would’ve heard, why had dad left the door open, had he and mum made up. Were they once again sleeping together? Images from the website came intrusively back into his mind, Find a happy place.. find a happy place.. ‘Mum’ said Sam in little more than a whisper. Sam approached the bed. The moonlight came in through the open window and reflected on what appeared to be a pool of oil lying beside his mums golden hair. Sam now seemed to be drawn towards the bed, fixated on the shimmering substance… ‘mum’. His voice seemed to tail off as the full recognition of what was before him dawned. He felt heavy, and sank to his knees…. ‘Mum’.
Her throat had been ripped open spilling his family’s lifeline on the white satin sheet.. ‘ Mum’. Her eyes wide open, telling a story of horrific pain… ‘Mum’…
He seemed to stare at the figure under the sheet. No emotion, numb. Inside he was slowly simmering. Pressure was building. He felt like he was going to scream, or faint or cry…’mum’.

A Loud noise took his attention, slightly breaking the numb feeling creeping through his body. The sound of his Dad’s powerful voice seemed to finish with a gargle. Sam found his feet again and made for the hallway, images flashing through his mind all as intrusive as before, yet not of the same nature. He now found himself at the foot of the stairs. A merry humming sound and footsteps seemed to be approaching the top of the staircase.

Sam…. Run…….I can’t lose you.

Behind him stood the door to safety, yet before him was the stairway of concern and love.

Sam…. Run…….I can’t lose you.

Surely his dad was dead, dead like his mum, …dead.

Sam…. Run…….I can’t lose you.

The e-mail, clearly now in his minds eye. Sam seized the door and ran out into the night. A haze of rain caressed his face as he ran and ran down the street. Dead….mum…dad…dead. The rain’s caress felt welcoming. He ran faster and faster, time seemed to compress, the streets didn’t look familiar. Breathing hard he stopped. Sank to his knees and cried. The rain seemed to stroke his skin as it trickled from his wind swept blonde hair onto his face. Frustration, fear, grief he felt pressure building. He looked up to the moon. Graphic memories came flooding back as he gazed up into the moonlit hazy sky. Emotion raged as he wept loudly. ‘THERE ALL DEAD…DEAD……Please help me………………’
 
Or you could upload the document to a webpage of your own and put a link to it in your post..that is..if you want to give the option of reading more than the abstract.
 
Well there you go..

So. There is the first two pages. The book is called Bandwidth...and i've written quite a bit more....Please let me know your honest veiws.

:)
 
Steve,

I'm sure this will shape upto be a good thriller, and your title is intriguing.
But I would suggest that you take another look at your writing. It didn't flow for me and and I felt detached from the action.
Two other nitpicks :
1) Several times you use the word 'new' although I'm pretty certain you mean 'Knew'.
2)Click Here for an article that might be of help in understanding why too many adverbs aren't a good thing.

Perhaps take another look at it and give it some heavy editing. I'll leave it at that. Best of luck :)
 
Thank you for the honest reply..and the link. I will try to use less adverbs. I can see how it ruins the pace of the story and have already noticed that it needs to be more fluid. Just adjusted it for spelling mistakes.....

I sometimes find it hard to spot the mistakes when reading it myself...its nice to have a fresh pair of eyes to look it over.

What did you think of the story so far...does it make you want to read further.

If so i dont mind posting more of it.

Keep the honest replies coming ;)
 
the next bit...

Bill Cursy was 27. He looked upon himself to be considerate with a keen eye to detail. His imagination was very vivid, which helped considerably with his artistic nature. ‘Yet another work of art to perform.’ A lot needed preparing. The house looked different, lived in. Photographs reminded him of how the house once thrived, vivid colours now worn, by years of use and neglect. The love had left the house, and only great artistic talent would restore what now seemed lost. The previous couple had not taken care of the place. Cobwebs hung in the corner of the master bedroom, slight traces of damp had discoloured the upper corner near the grimy window frame. His paints were not quite the right colour. The walls where a very pale lilac yet the mix he had prepared seemed slightly off. Maybe a touch more white paint. Perfection. Sheets had already been prepared, covering all forms of antique furniture from a sturdy mahogany bureau, to a petite chair, almost certainly crafted in the south of France. The four-poster bed hung silk drapes that bellowed in the slight breeze that flowed in through the window. The frame of the bed was now hidden by another white sheet. Caution and consideration for all beautiful objects all lent to the final perfect result. This was to be his greatest triumph yet. He started painting the far wall. The vibrant past was now returning, more beautiful than ever, the room seemed to grow and flower as the original beauty was restored. Bill’s care free whistling just enhanced his mood, as he tirelessly worked away painting all walls with the up most care, careful not to get one spot of paint away from it’s original design. Caution and consideration led to perfection.
The room was almost perfect, a few final touches. An elegant aluminium vase offered stunning contrast against the antique furniture. Bill removed the sheet from the bureau and placed the vase, pondering the ideal position. The vision nearly matched. Bill removed the photo from the frame, and froze. How could he have missed this detail? The picture showed a middle-aged couple standing in this bedroom with their backs to the four-poster bed. The man was tall with slender build. He had the posture of a well-educated man. His hair was dark, and well groomed. Designer glasses obscured his stern brow, and strong facial features. The lady to his left looked like his perfect match. She had blonde hair, which even in this still image seemed to shimmer in the light that cascaded through the small window, which bill had scrubbed tirelessly to restore. It looked dull this evening compared to the photo, but even Bill couldn’t restore the sun at night. Her skin was fair, she had a strong smile, brimming with confidence and promise, and her eyes radiated as much promise as her smile. Bill couldn’t quite determine the colour of her eyes, but they were either light green or blue. Stunning. Both the man and the woman wore casual dress, jeans and T-shirt. Yet this gave the feeling of fun and togetherness, now that the frame didn’t obscure the photo’s edge, Bill had noticed one crucial detail that he had missed. A small boy approximately Sixteen. Long wavy blonde hair, a mischievous smile, yet also brimming with confidence. He also wore jeans and T-shirt.
Bill dragged the body of the golden haired lady towards the back of the bed, he propped her decisively onto the petite chair. Her eyes no longer glimmered with confidence, but glared horrifically with pain and anguish. The savage gash in her throat still oozed warm glistening blood down onto her nightdress. She needed to be changed, Bill had already found the clothes that she had worn on that sunny day in the picture, but now wasn’t the time. Now was the time to find the boy. How could he have missed that crucial detail? Caution and consideration led to perfection. Bill strode through the bedroom doorway into the hallway humming merrily.
The hallway seemed empty. Many other doors were open, one room, which had already been searched, bared trophies of all sizes, boasting numerous 1st 2nd and 3rd positions in extreme mountain biking Another room was occupied by various instrument, and amplifiers. Gibson guitars, Pearl drum kit, Marshall amps, Audiotech microphone with stand, mixing equipment and numerous pedals amongst other equipment Bill couldn’t even comprehend. The outsides of the room were padded in some sort of soft material, supposedly used for deadening the sound.
One door hosted what appeared to be one very large closet, which was currently being used for a hideaway for all the excess clutter that didn’t match the décor, or had surpassed it’s uses. One bathroom with walk in shower, and another spare room, which looked as though it hadn’t been used in a while. There appeared to be no-where this boy could have stayed. Maybe he had passed away, yet the photo couldn’t have been more than a year old. Belongings would still be in the house, toys, computers, and lots more photos. He had already checked downstairs after finishing with the middle-aged man. The place was deserted. Bill looked up and sighed in frustration. Bill smirked, and then began humming again. There it was, one place he had missed, a fine square of thin light omitted through the ceiling. The loft held another room, but no handle appeared attached to the square panel that sealed him from what may hold the final ingredient to his masterpiece. A ladder was needed to reach the hatch, yet nothing was in near vicinity. If light was beyond that panel, surely it was accessed frequently. Bill glanced around and noticed a long wooden rod leaning against the nearby wall. Bill eagerly seized the rod and start prodding the wooden panel. The panel popped open to reveal a dimly lit room, obscured by a ladder. Bill glanced at the end of the rod and noticed a small hook, Bill pulled the end of the ladder down, and unfastened it, so it met the floor. The final ingredient.
Slowly he ascended the ladder, even young children could be dangerously violent, when cornered without hope. Survival instinct could bring with it, amazing endurance and strength. Bill had experienced this before many times. He couldn’t have achieved his vast collection of art without encountering the odd hysterical child. This is what made them look beautiful above all the rest when captured at that extreme point of anguish. Adults seemed to display signs of anger for much longer than children. Even while sawing at their necks, they seemed to have more anger than pain. Obviously this varied, but as a rule it seemed the norm.
The room appeared empty, but then again this was usual. Again this behaviour was quite common in children under 15, and quite a lot in the female gender. Bill found his hobby fascinating. He understood people, the boy did appear slightly too old to be hiding, yet situations did vary. He savoured the challenge, started humming and began his search. Caution and consideration led to perfection. What started as fun was proving to be slightly annoying. The wardrobe was empty, the curtains had no feet. And only toys were under the bed, no child. He had to be sure. If the boy was dead he could move on, find another photo and finish his work. It would mean a lot more elbow grease, but no masterpiece was ever achieved without sweat and endurance. He must be sure, they were a family in the picture, and he must reflect that. They must be a family in the contrast.
Bill made his way downstairs, and had nearly reached the lower landing when something disturbed him. Horror struck him. He couldn’t stop his work, it meant so much to him. His growing passion couldn’t be extinguished. The open front door created a big problem. He must tidy up. No one can know what has happened until he had finished. He had to improvise. Bill had already tidied up all the evidence of foul play, he just had to remove the bodies until he had time to finish what he started. Time to get back to work. Humming Bill ascended the stairs and entered the master bedroom took his camera out of his pocket. ‘Smile’, his voice deep yet merry as he took one brief photo. It didn’t matter if it wasn’t perfect, he had to complete the picture before he could photograph the final result. He wrapped the bodies in the sheets, which had covered the furniture while he had cheerfully worked. Making sure that there was no excess blood. A mans car projects his image, and must be clean and tidy. Caution and consideration led to perfection.




So.There's a little more,let me know if you've had enough :)
 
another bit....

I know that it still needs a lot of editing, yet would like to know if you think the story has merit so far.

Sam couldn’t focus, rain and tears blurred his vision. His head spun wildly as he tried to cope with the atrocities of the night he had endured. The road had become a warped mirror, reflecting every source of light amidst its ripples and impurities. The moon wavered in its reflection, offering horrific memories that Sam tried desperately to repress. Sam closed his eyes tight, as if to stump these thoughts from overwhelming him. ‘Focus, must focus’. The road lit up with ferocity, and then the rain seemed to grow heavy. Sam sank to the floor as thunder crashed around him. Wiping his eyes he tried to focus and stared up into the sky. Lighting flashed again, so bright and unrelenting. Again the sound of rain filled his senses as the moon gleamed projecting the memories once again. Sam closed his eyes tight and lowered his head. His mind was screaming, yet he had to remain in control. The moon had doubled and intensified, both moons now getting larger. Sound erupted again, this time offering a note instead of a crash. ‘Stand up!’ The rain was so heavy, his thoughts now an overwhelming burden. The moons were so bright as the harsh note came again. Sam rose to his feet just as they were swept beneath him. He took off into the troubled night and landed abruptly on the warped mirror. He felt pain, stabbing into his body, a wheel stood beside his head. The rain hammered onto him, an agitated voice boomed beside him. The voice came closer. ‘I didn’t see you; you came out of nowhere….’ Sam focused briefly; feet had reached his vision, and then seemed to fade away. His vision now rippling like the road surface, then blackness.
The study radiated warmth and comfort, bringing with it release from the nightmare that had consumed Sam. The desk before him possessed memories of joy and excitement, it some how radiated innocence and stability. Then the room darkened, and all the pleasant feelings left with the light. The study dissolved and was replaced with his Mum’s bed. ‘Mum…..Mum.’ She sat bolt upright, the site of her sent despair and horror pulsing through Sam’s being. ‘Mum…..Mum.’ She spoke in a gargle; each word seemed to be coming from the jagged gash in her throat, her lips still and silent.

‘Sam.... Run.......I can't lose you.’

The scene changed, this time more abruptly. The front door lay before him, bearing words smeared in blood across its centre pane.

S A F E T Y S A F E T Y S A F E T Y

Sam pulled at the door screaming, the house wouldn’t release him. His hands tightening around the door handle draining all colours from his knuckles. He strained to concentrate, pulling at the handle, ‘Please open, let me out’. The words etching themselves into his subconscious.

S A F E T Y S A F E T Y S A F E T Y

Sam’s panic escalated to a new level, causing him to vibrate and jolt, each jolt harnessing a rush of light. Sam’s body shut down, again offering release, and then a room appeared, slowly coming to focus. Scurrying bodies shuffled above him, smiling faces wearing uniforms. Feelings of warmth and comfort returned as Sam slipped back into nothingness.
 
The first few sentences show some promise.

And then it's crap. Utter crap. The story goes downhill and nowhere. There is no story.
 
Lol. At first i thought that was a harsh response, then i looked at other comments you have posted. I think you kinda liked it ;)
 
Yes, eyez0nme has social problems. I think he gets an internet allocation. Obviously supervision is also required.
 
Stewart said:
Yes, eyez0nme has social problems. I think he gets an internet allocation. Obviously supervision is also required.
And Ritalin.

(Plus, how can you take his criticism seriously, when just about every one of his posts ends with LMFAO!/Shittiest-something-ever/OMFG!/WTF?/or some mention of crap?)
 
I guess your right. Creative criticism has much more impact then abusive critcism. I'm sure his writing is at a much higher standard. ;)
 
Anyway.. I have listened to other criticism and hope that my writing is getting better. I still have loads more to post. However i am finding it difficult to break the habit of over using my adverbs. The story has been fun to write so far and it seems to be evolving on its own.

I'm rambling on. Would anyone like to see the second chapter?

I promise that the book will have a nice twist :D
 
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