flames of Ya

[stigmaticman]

the boy was on fire
he ran around flailing and thrashing
almost as if he was dancing
then yelling like he was
singing to the lord of the flame that consumed him

after he reached chaos the crowd cheared

 

[tommydarascal]

Hi Stigmatic

I very much like the way you re-create and show us the boy's panic in the second line using the words, "flailing and thrashing". It really gives us, as readers, a clear picture of the boy on flames.

To improve, I suggest that you give the readers the opportunity to 'read between the lines' on some parts, such as "The boy was on fire". Starting the poem this way may have the desired effect on some readers ... I am guessing this line is meant to grab attention. However, I would suggest you use a metaphor, so we can work out the bit about the fire on our own ... this could be an example: "He screamed in desperate agony as the orange hand licked his body." Of course, this may not be the effect you want, but is a suggestion nonetheless.

One final thing I noticed is the final line, " After he reached chaos the crowd cheared". I don't quite understand what you mean by this (maybe it's a typo) and is useful to remember that the final line/s of a poem should have the strongest effect. (This is where I slip up in my poetry!)

Anyway, it was a great poem, and thanks for posting it!