Happiness

[Sitaram]

Someone has written to me, asking advice regarding their aging father, a victim of Alzheimer's, dad's savings account of one million dollars, and four siblings who are in conflict with one another regarding the money and their father's circumstances.

Here is my advice:

Lincoln said "Most people are about as happy as they make up their minds to be."

The 33rd stanza of the Way of the Tao says: "He who can be content with however much or little he has; that person has achieved true wealth."

I keep thinking about your problem.

You must choose happiness and peace of mind, and choose an outlook which will bring you this happiness and peace.

Imagine various scenarios:

Imagine that an unexpected catastrophe destroys your father and the bank account. Now the source of conflict is gone, but where will your happiness lie now?


Imagine that your father signs over the entire sum to you tomorrow, and you spend it in various ways until it is gone. And once it is gone, shall you be any happier?

The possibility or expectation of receiving money is what divides you and your siblings.

Imagine that you make some selfless gesture and give over all your claims of a share to your siblings. Will they like any better for that? Will they care about you?

You must seek your own happiness. To do that you must discover what will make you genuinely happy. You must find people who will truly care about you and love you unconditionally for who you really are.

You must make the conscious decision to be happy as you are and with what you have, though such an attitude must never become complacency.

A million dollars will not make you happy. Only YOU can make yourself happy, by CHOOSING to be happy. Do the best that you can do with what you have, and then choose to be happy with that.

It says in the Bhagavad-Gita that, (paraphrased from memory) "It is inevitable that joys and sorrows come to each person. But that person who can endure both joy and sorrow with equanimity and an even-keeled spirit is a true yogi (saint)."

Job was such a yogi or saint. Job had wealth, health, and family. Job lost it all. And in the end, Job regained wealth and health and family.

Happiness which depends upon outward circumstances is a false happiness.

Happiness which is immune to the vicissitudes of fate and fortune is a genuine happiness which borders upon bliss.

My advice is not simple or easy to follow. You must work at such equanimity. No one can do it for you. You must do it for yourself.

 

[SFG75]

Interesting conflict that your friend is in Sitaram. It's not uncommon, I can tell you that for sure. My grandmother lived to be 93. You could imagine all the stuff that my grandparents had accumulated through 50+ years of marriage. They had some very nice chairs, tables, beds, dressers, not to mention a beautiful chess table that was really something to look at. As soon as my aunt moved her to an assisted care facility, both of my aunts were busy tagging just about every item with notes as to who wanted what. My mother was granted the car and some other items, but just told her sisters to go ahead and take everything they wanted. I remember to this day how disgusted I was at seeing this spectacle. There was some interesting negotiation and arguing over items, my mother and I just stayed above the fray. You're right, it isn't about the items or money. It's about the memories of the person and who they were. Those kinds of things bring greater happiness than getting a damn dresser or end table.

 

[Sitaram]

We were meant to use things and love people. But, instead, we love things and use people.

 

[direstraits]

I hold the ideal of happiness very closely to my heart. I have the fortune of being healthy, educated, have a good career, privileged to have a loving wife, loving parents, and barring a couple of incidents, have not experienced anything a catastrophic life-changing disaster. Being incredibly aware of the statistical *certainty* of the peaks and valleys in everyone's life (or simply being incredibly morbid), I know there will be a point where my relative happiness will dip.

Nobody enjoys constant peaks. In fact, I'm of the opinion that the longer you get to enjoy peaks, the more likely life is going to throw a curveball your way.

Life is too short to be in a state of constant unhappiness (bad job, bad relationship, etc). And since happiness is what one makes of it, one should be aware, and adjust.

Your post resonates with me, Sitaram. Thanks.

ds

 

[Sitaram]

Direstraits,

Thanks for your kind words of resonance. I am often refreshed by the humor of your appealing icon, cousin to Chiquita, who periodically reinvents himself.

We should all try to reinvent ourselves from time to time.

 

[Mattyj]

Interesting post, Sitaram. It got me thinking first thing this morning. It took me quite some time to learn that I was responsible for my own happiness. Like anything worth having, it takes a bit of work. For a long time I did not understand that.

In fact, I'm of the opinion that the longer you get to enjoy peaks, the more likely life is going to throw a curveball your way.

direstraits, that is so very true. My mom is a perfect example of this. She lived quite happily (close to perfect she says) for 48 years. Life threw her several curveballs all at once. Her strength and resolve during this period were incredible She took responsibilty and focused on overcoming and making herself happy again.

 

[SFG75]

We were meant to use things and love people. But, instead, we love things and use people.

Samsara?

 

[Sitaram]

Samsara is sometimes called the "10,001" things.

In Zen, it has something to do with that Koan:

Student: "What is Buddha nature?"
Master: "Have you eaten your breakfast."
Student: "Yes."
Master: "Go wash your bowl."

Camus in “The Myth of Sysiphus” conjectures that the happy moments occur as Sysiphus walks back down the hill, to resume his endless task. There can be a happiness in washing dishes also, as Christopher Morley pointed out in “The Haunted Bookshop.”

(I don’t have much time right now, to make this eloquent or profound, after work, but I find posting relaxing.)

Sometimes, we concentrate so much on profound things, such as questions of Buddha nature, that we forget to enjoy each moment of life.

At other times, we become so caught up in the 10,001 distractions, and concern over material success, that we forget about the grand and profound things, such as peace, compassion, humility.

A very poor rabbi once spent all his savings to have one trip to Switzerland. When people scolded him, he replied, "When I finally meet God, he may say 'What! Did you not see my Alps?'"

Camus said, "Perhaps the greatest sin of all is to hanker after some future afterlife and ignore the implacable grandeur of this life which we already have."

Samsara is also described as a river, which we must somehow cross.

The Jains called their Buddha, named Mahavaira (great victor), the "Tirthankara" meaning bridge builder. The bridge or ford is the way to cross that river of samsara, and get to the other shore, metaphorically, termed nirvana.

Ironically, the ancient Romans greatly admired one architect who built a strategic bridge. The Latin term of bridge builder gradually evolved into an honorific term bestowed upon people who had no building skills. That term for bridge builder is Pontiff. Ultimately the Pope came to be known as pontiff. Of corse we can see the root pons in that word, meaning bridge, and perhaps the F is from facio, meaning to make or construct.

Oh, by the way, my previous post ended with that interesting statement of Augustine, that there is no salvation outside the Church.

Hans Kung in his tome "On Being A Christian" mentions that some decades before Columbus set sail, the Council of Florence was held, and it was declared that there is no salvation outside the Catholic church. At that time, the Council had in mind, not Hindus and Buddhists, but Lutherans and Quakers, etc. But a mere 300 or so years later, at Vatican II, a very brief encyclical, "Novus Aetatis" (our times), declares that it is not simply the duty of Catholics to tolerate non Christian religions, but to see the saving grace of God manifested in those non Christian religions.

Well time is up for me, tonight, though I would like to say much more.