Hilarious Real Courtroom Quotations:

[eyez0nme]

The following quotations are taken from official court records across the nation, showing how funny and embarrassing it is that recorders operate at all times in courts of law, so that even the slightest inadvertence is preserved for posterity.

* Lawyer: "Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?"
* Witness: "By death."
* Lawyer: "And by whose death was it terminated?"

* Accused, Defending His Own Case: "Did you get a good look at my face when I took your purse?"

The defendant was found guilty and sentenced to ten years in jail.


* Lawyer: "Can you tell us what was stolen from your house?"
* Witness: "There was a rifle that belonged to my father that was stolen from the hall closet."
* Lawyer: "Can you identify the rifle?"
* Witness: "Yes. There was something written on the side of it."
* Lawyer: "And what did the writing say?"
* Witness: "'Winchester'!"

* Lawyer: "What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?"
* Witness: "Gucci sweats and Reeboks."

* Lawyer: "Can you describe what the person who attacked you looked like?"
* Witness: "No. He was wearing a mask."
* Lawyer: "What was he wearing under the mask?"
* Witness: "Er...his face."

* Lawyer: "This myasthenia gravis -- does it affect your memory at all?"
* Witness: "Yes."
* Lawyer: "And in what ways does it affect your memory?"
* Witness: "I forget."
* Lawyer: "You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?"

* Lawyer: "What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?"
* Witness: "He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'"
* Lawyer: "And why did that upset you?"
* Witness: "My name is Susan."

* Lawyer: "Sir, what is your IQ?"
* Witness: "Well, I can see pretty well, I think."

* Lawyer: "Did you blow your horn or anything?"
* Witness: "After the accident?"
* Lawyer: "Before the accident."
* Witness: "Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it."

* Lawyer: "Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?"
* Witness: "Yes."
* Lawyer: "Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?"
* Witness: "Yes, sir."
* Lawyer: "What did she say?"
* Witness: "'What disco am I at?'"

* Lawyer: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
* Witness: "No."
* Lawyer: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
* Witness: "No."
* Lawyer: "Did you check for breathing?"
* Witness: "No."
* Lawyer: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
* Witness: "No."
* Lawyer: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
* Witness: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
* Lawyer: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
* Witness: "Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."

* Lawyer: "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"

* Lawyer: "And you check your radar unit frequently?"
* Officer: "Yes, I do."
* Lawyer: "And was your radar unit functioning correctly at the time you had the plaintiff on radar?"
* Officer: "Yes, it was malfunctioning correctly."

* Lawyer: "What happened then?"
* Witness: "He told me, he says, 'I have to kill you because you can identify me.'"
* Lawyer: "Did he kill you?"
* Witness: "No."

* Lawyer: "Now sir, I'm sure you are an intelligent and honest man--"
* Witness: "Thank you. If I weren't under oath, I'd return the compliment."


* Lawyer: "The youngest son, the 20 year old, how old is he?"

* Lawyer: "Were you alone or by yourself?"

* Lawyer: "How long have you been a French Canadian?"

* Witness: "He was about medium height and had a beard."
* Lawyer: "Was this a male or a female?"

* Lawyer: "You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?"

* Lawyer: "You say that the stairs went down to the basement?"
* Witness: "Yes."
* Lawyer: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"

* Lawyer: "Have you lived in this town all your life?"
* Witness: "Not yet."

* Lawyer: (realizing he was on the verge of asking a stupid question) "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question."

* Lawyer: "Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Eddington at the Rose Chapel?"
* Witness: "It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30pm."
* Lawyer: "And Mr. Eddington was dead at the time, is that correct?"

* Lawyer: "What is your brother-in-law's name?"
* Witness: "Borofkin."
* Lawyer: "What's his first name?"
* Witness: "I can't remember."
* Lawyer: "He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't remember his first name?"
* Witness: "No. I tell you, I'm too excited." (rising and pointing to his brother-in-law) "Nathan, for heaven's sake, tell them your first name!"

* Lawyer: "Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?"
* Witness: "I refuse to answer that question.
* Lawyer: "Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?"
* Witness: "I refuse to answer that question.
* Lawyer: "Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?"
* Witness: "No."

* Lawyer: "Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?"
* Witness: "No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region."

* Lawyer: "What is your marital status?"
* Witness: "Fair."

* Lawyer: "Are you married?"
* Witness: "No, I'm divorced."
* Lawyer: "And what did your husband do before you divorced him?"
* Witness: "A lot of things I didn't know about."

* Lawyer: "And who is this person you are speaking of?"
* Witness: "My ex-widow said it.

* Lawyer: "How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?"
* Witness: "Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by Dr. Cherney and said he was really good."

* Lawyer: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
* Witness: "All my autopsies have been performed on dead people."

* Lawyer: "Were you acquainted with the deceased?"
* Witness: "Yes sir."
* Lawyer: "Before or after he died?"

* Lawyer: "Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?"
* Witness: "No. This is how I dress when I go to work."

* The Court: "Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present information and prejudice from your minds, if you have any."

* Lawyer: "Did he pick the dog up by the ears?"
* Witness: "No."
* Lawyer: "What was he doing with the dog's ears?"
* Witness: "Picking them up in the air."
* Lawyer: "Where was the dog at this time?"
* Witness: "Attached to the ears."


* Lawyer: "The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, objective witness, isn't it? You too were shot in the fracas."
* Witness: "No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval."

* Lawyer: "And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. Ok? What school do you go to?"
* Witness: "Oral."
* Lawyer: "How old are you?"
* Witness: "Oral."


* Lawyer: "When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?"

* Other Lawyer: "Objection. That question should be taken out and shot."
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And some of you wonder why I shake my head at humanity.

 

[ValkyrieRaven88]

* Lawyer: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
* Witness: "No."
* Lawyer: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
* Witness: "No."
* Lawyer: "Did you check for breathing?"
* Witness: "No."
* Lawyer: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
* Witness: "No."
* Lawyer: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
* Witness: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
* Lawyer: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
* Witness: "Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."

They were all funny, but this one deserves an award for best comedy of the year.

 

[Peronel]

Agreed. Lionel Hutz would be proud.

 

[Stewart]

Of course, the likelihood of them being "real" is probably around about the no chance mark.

 

[Gem]

I liked the memory one.
Don't know how real those are but this one is:

Barrister: "did you sign this document"
Claimant: "No sir, "
Barrister : "but it's your signature"
Claimant: "My son is very crafty, he forged my signature"
Barrister: "But this has been signed in front of a solicitor, are you sure you didn't sign it"
Claimant: "No sir I did not"
Barrister: " So are you telling this court, that my client - that strapping, six foot tall man (he points at said person) walked into a solicitor's office and said 'I'm Mrs.xxx'"
Claimant: "Yes,that is what happened"
Barrister: "'sigh" "Mrs.xxx you're lying aren't you?"
Claimant: "No I'm not"

And this went on for another 45 minutes. Hilarious.

 

[ValkyrieRaven88]

Tsk tsk. Sometime I am truly amazed what levels of stupidity exist in the world. Just think: we are the future of the human race. Then, when you're done, you can hide under the bed.

(And if you want really stupid courtroom quotations, flip on Judge Judy.)

 

[eyez0nme]

Of course, the likelihood of them being "real" is probably around about the no chance mark.

Of course, the likelihood of Stewart ever opening up and seeing things for himself before making a passing judgment and coming to an appropriate conclusion, without bias, is like him accepting Lois finally as his mother.

 

[eyez0nme]

Tsk tsk. Sometime I am truly amazed what levels of stupidity exist in the world. Just think: we are the future of the human race. Then, when you're done, you can hide under the bed.

(And if you want really stupid courtroom quotations, flip on Judge Judy.)

Or that other Judge--the hot latin one on People's Court. I love her to death.

 

[Stewart]

Of course, the likelihood of Stewart ever opening up and seeing things for himself before making a passing judgment and coming to an appropriate conclusion, without bias, is like him accepting Lois finally as his mother.

I did say likelihood rather than pass judgement. I made the assumption as it felt no different from those false emails that go around offices saying these are real life exam answers or these are calls from an IT helpdesk or whatever. But, as it happens, it would seem that they are lifted from a couple of books compiled by Mary
L. Gilman: Humor In The Court (1977) and More Humor In The Court (1993).

 

[lady.cordelia]

those were hilarious and i totally believe they were true.

i used to own a medical transcription company. you would not believe what they would say sometimes. i was a part of an online community for transcriptionists and we would type quotes of the day (there were court reporters, legal transcribers, and medical transcribers) whenever we would come across a doozy (anonymously obviously), and everyday it was full of quotes. i wish i had saved some of them to share with you and since i closed the company i don't subscribe to the site anymore to get some. it was a nice respite in the day to read those, though.

thanks for sharing!