Hey there. I have just written a basic introduction of a post apocalyptic book, it will involved a man waking from a coma in a world after a nuclear holocaust. Please can you read the extract and comment on what I could do next or what I can improve on:
Prologue:
It was a bright summer’s day in the middle of the Arizonian outback, the sun glared down colliding with hot soggy tarmac and ruptured everywhere creating the hottest day of the decade. The police car zoomed down the road, no to fast but fast enough to make you turn your head. In front of it a small but fast hardtop. The car was black with two tarnished males, aged around 30 in the front seats. The window smashed open and one of the two vagabond blokes stuck his head out the window with a Kalashnikov. The Ak-47, the typical terrorism gun, approximately 75 million of the world wide and were only produced for 10 years. The bullets zoomed through the wind and collided with the bonnet of the police car.
“Shit”, one of the officers yelled. He has a short hair line, thick busy caterpillar eyebrows and a broad chin bone line.
“Shit, indeed.” I replied, “Dispatch”, I spoke gently but with a sense of authority, “We got us a runner on highway 7 over”, I paused for breath, “Gonna need some back up to take ‘em out”.
“Acknowledged Sheriff, more units on their way”, the speaker box replied.
The dirty driver swerved away into the abandoned garage. Then, turned right into the first turning he saw. We followed and the chase was on. The cars broke out onto the highway and it became a race. We began to overtake the hardtop. The other officer shot at the tires. He got lucky and punctured both tires on the driver’s side. The shitmobile swerved to the left and crashed into the awaiting squad car.
“Whoooooo” Terry, my partner, exhaled. I smiled breathing heavily, the adrenaline shook me.
We got out the car and I pulled out my .357 magnum, a beauty of a gun. I slowly approached the beaten car. My heart was slamming against my rib cage, my fingertips became moist. I felt like it was a trap, I knew it was a trap but I continued to walk forward.
“Move up”, I whispered to my team, they slowly moved up.
Suddenly, boom, the enemy open fired bullets flew all around me. Boom! I shot as I ran to cover. I reached for the intercom microphone in the car.
“Dispatch we need SWAT NOW!” I screamed, bullets smashed through the windows ricocheting glass everywhere. I got up, slowed my heart, and pulled the trigger. The bullet zoomed out of my gun and into one of the enemy’s lower abdomen completely disassembling him. Then, I stopped. I flew backwards, I couldn’t breathe. I looked down, I was shot, I went into shock.
“AHHHHHHHHHHH!” I screamed in absolute agony. Terry beside me, saw me, he charged forward, pulled out his combat knife and collided it with the skull of the other assailant. Blood spewed all over his hands. He then ran over to me.
“Stay with me Kyle”, he said, “Stay with me, get a paramedic down here stat!” He yelled at the other officers. I closed my eyes, I continued to breath. I felt as though every vein in my body was exploding, and every bone was being twisted. My blood began to boil. I wasn’t aware of what was happening, where I was, and what had happened. My breathing became desperate, as if someone had shoved a rag deep into my throat; later submerging me in water. It was one injury, just one shot, yet all this pain had enter my body just as the bullet did. My vision changed as though I was looking through a kaleidoscope; seeing colours I never knew existed. Even though I felt my heart miss a few beats. I didn’t notice I had stopped breathing, nor was I aware that my eyelids were becoming heavier. The only thing I realized was I was in peace.
Track my progress: Jake Learman | Hey, I'm Jake, I'll be posting some projects and whatnot
Prologue:
It was a bright summer’s day in the middle of the Arizonian outback, the sun glared down colliding with hot soggy tarmac and ruptured everywhere creating the hottest day of the decade. The police car zoomed down the road, no to fast but fast enough to make you turn your head. In front of it a small but fast hardtop. The car was black with two tarnished males, aged around 30 in the front seats. The window smashed open and one of the two vagabond blokes stuck his head out the window with a Kalashnikov. The Ak-47, the typical terrorism gun, approximately 75 million of the world wide and were only produced for 10 years. The bullets zoomed through the wind and collided with the bonnet of the police car.
“Shit”, one of the officers yelled. He has a short hair line, thick busy caterpillar eyebrows and a broad chin bone line.
“Shit, indeed.” I replied, “Dispatch”, I spoke gently but with a sense of authority, “We got us a runner on highway 7 over”, I paused for breath, “Gonna need some back up to take ‘em out”.
“Acknowledged Sheriff, more units on their way”, the speaker box replied.
The dirty driver swerved away into the abandoned garage. Then, turned right into the first turning he saw. We followed and the chase was on. The cars broke out onto the highway and it became a race. We began to overtake the hardtop. The other officer shot at the tires. He got lucky and punctured both tires on the driver’s side. The shitmobile swerved to the left and crashed into the awaiting squad car.
“Whoooooo” Terry, my partner, exhaled. I smiled breathing heavily, the adrenaline shook me.
We got out the car and I pulled out my .357 magnum, a beauty of a gun. I slowly approached the beaten car. My heart was slamming against my rib cage, my fingertips became moist. I felt like it was a trap, I knew it was a trap but I continued to walk forward.
“Move up”, I whispered to my team, they slowly moved up.
Suddenly, boom, the enemy open fired bullets flew all around me. Boom! I shot as I ran to cover. I reached for the intercom microphone in the car.
“Dispatch we need SWAT NOW!” I screamed, bullets smashed through the windows ricocheting glass everywhere. I got up, slowed my heart, and pulled the trigger. The bullet zoomed out of my gun and into one of the enemy’s lower abdomen completely disassembling him. Then, I stopped. I flew backwards, I couldn’t breathe. I looked down, I was shot, I went into shock.
“AHHHHHHHHHHH!” I screamed in absolute agony. Terry beside me, saw me, he charged forward, pulled out his combat knife and collided it with the skull of the other assailant. Blood spewed all over his hands. He then ran over to me.
“Stay with me Kyle”, he said, “Stay with me, get a paramedic down here stat!” He yelled at the other officers. I closed my eyes, I continued to breath. I felt as though every vein in my body was exploding, and every bone was being twisted. My blood began to boil. I wasn’t aware of what was happening, where I was, and what had happened. My breathing became desperate, as if someone had shoved a rag deep into my throat; later submerging me in water. It was one injury, just one shot, yet all this pain had enter my body just as the bullet did. My vision changed as though I was looking through a kaleidoscope; seeing colours I never knew existed. Even though I felt my heart miss a few beats. I didn’t notice I had stopped breathing, nor was I aware that my eyelids were becoming heavier. The only thing I realized was I was in peace.
Track my progress: Jake Learman | Hey, I'm Jake, I'll be posting some projects and whatnot
