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Is My Writing Getting Any Better? HELP

-Carlos-

-Carlos-

New Member
The first time I saw Henry he reminded me of an Orangutan. He had an oversize chunk of banana flesh stuck out his chops. Casually the fruit disappeared into his throat with the slow inward folds of his lips. He sat heavy on a low-set cushion seat by the biography section; an open book on his lap. I was behind a study table within eye-shot of the tramp, the nameless patron I called Henry. The name made him real, human, in my private analysis.

He was flesh and bone; he possessed emotions and he carried a story, his story, and that made Henry an interesting character. When in passing I greeting him, occasionally, with a head nod. My gesture would always spark some type of fleeting bliss in Henry that made his stone cold mug illuminate with rigorous nobility; his facial features gave way to a crooked smile, exposing the few teeth still trapped in his gums.
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I think people would be more inclined to offer criticism if you were more inclined to listen to what they had to say.
 
None of your previous threads include rewrites of the paragraphs you posted. And this one shows much of the same errors as the others.
That doesn't really show you pay attention to any of the criticism you get.
 
It shows the same errors? Hmm...not good. If it shows the same errors then disregard this thread.

I do pay attention Polly.

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The grammar and punctuation errors are horrendous- fix them and post the paragraphs together and we can then see your revisions....
 
Really. That's not good at all. unacceptable. I would have to do it all over again. Rats!

Thanks Isabell.

I'll try it again. Stay tuned.

What about this one?

I held the peculiar object gently in both hands as if it were made of fine glass. One nervous spasm and it could drop, shattering into a million shards, onto the hard wood floor. In his deep voice my fathered exclaimed, “Happy birthday son! Do you know what it is?” Keeping my eyes fixed on the oddity in my hands, I nodded. “Well, it's called a stethoscope. Can you say stethoscope?” I repeated the sound. “Very good,” my father replied. “Now do you know what it's used for?” I remembered that on my last birthday my father gave me a microscope kit for children above the age of nine; it was my seventh birthday. Knowing that and knowing that my father was a doctor, I knew the gift had something to do with medicine.

I gave him a puzzled look and he bent down on one knee, placed the eartips in my ears before pressing the other end up against his chest. My eyes widen as I heard the beating of his heart. “Is that your heart dad?” I asked in wonder. “Yes it is son. You are listening to my heart.” My father handed me the flat end of the stethoscope, then he turned around and told me to press it up against his upper back. At first I did not hear a thing but then, after my father took a deep breath, I let out a sigh. This time it was his breath bellowing in and out of his lungs. Soon I was using it on myself; trying listen to my own body. My fathered chuckled with delight.
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I've been told I do a better job when I write in first person narrative. What do you think Isabell. Talk to me straight as you are doing...I like that. Thanks again.

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Tell me the grammar errors Isabell. The punctuation errors I can fix by making the phrasing simple. Please show me the grammar errors Isabell. Thanks a million. Your input is what I am seeking.
 
I held the peculiar object gently in both hands as if it were made of fine glass. One nervous spasm and it could drop, shattering into a million shards, onto the hard wood floor. In his deep voice my fathered exclaimed, “Happy birthday son! Do you know what it is?” Keeping my eyes fixed on the oddity in my hands, I nodded. “Well, it's called a stethoscope. Can you say stethoscope?” I repeated the sound. “Very good,” my father replied. “Now do you know what it's used for?” I remembered that on my last birthday my father gave me a microscope kit for children above the age of nine; it was my seventh birthday. Knowing that and knowing that my father was a doctor, I knew the gift had something to do with medicine.

I gave him a puzzled look and he bent down on one knee, placed the eartips in my ears before pressing the other end up against his chest. My eyes widen as I heard the beating of his heart. “Is that your heart dad?” I asked in wonder. “Yes it is son. You are listening to my heart.” My father handed me the flat end of the stethoscope, then he turned around and told me to press it up against his upper back. At first I did not hear a thing but then, after my father took a deep breath, I let out a sigh. This time it was his breath bellowing in and out of his lungs. Soon I was using it on myself; trying listen to my own body. My fathered chuckled with delight.
 
Pontiac, I have watched you without comment for a while now. You are persistent, I'll give you that. However, persistently smacking your head against a wall isn't very progressive. Make changes to this excerpt, and then we'll tell you whether an improvement can be seen. Start by looking at grammar, it should solve most of your clarity issues.
 
I held the peculiar object gently in both hands as if it were made of fine glass. One nervous spasm and it could drop, shattering into a million shards, onto the hard wood floor. In his deep voice my fathered exclaimed, “Happy birthday son! Do you know what it is?” Keeping my eyes fixed on the oddity in my hands, I nodded. “Well, it's called a stethoscope. Can you say stethoscope?” I repeated the sound. “Very good,” my father replied. “Now do you know what it's used for?” I remembered that on my last birthday my father gave me a microscope kit for children above the age of nine; it was my seventh birthday. Knowing that and knowing that my father was a doctor, I knew the gift had something to do with medicine.

I gave him a puzzled look and he bent down on one knee, placed the eartips in my ears before pressing the other end up against his chest. My eyes widen as I heard the beating of his heart. “Is that your heart dad?” I asked in wonder. “Yes it is son. You are listening to my heart.” My father handed me the flat end of the stethoscope, then he turned around and told me to press it up against his upper back. At first I did not hear a thing but then, after my father took a deep breath, I let out a sigh. This time it was his breath bellowing in and out of his lungs. Soon I was using it on myself; trying listen to my own body. My fathered chuckled with delight.
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Isabell missed out that last "fathered".

Pontiac- I have watched with amused interest your attempts at writing and while it is commendable that you keep trying, I can't help but point out that you are practicising by writing anew each time, instead of listening to advice and re-writing what you have. You will not learn anything. You will not become the writer you want to be - by following that path.

So in all seriousness, I'll point out the bleeding obvious, what is wrong with your writing, starting with this nugget.

1) The item being described as being glass-like and the threat of it 'shattering into a million shards is a cliche', trite and unoriginal.

2) hardwood or hard, wooden

3) You don't need to say "my father" in every reference to the man, you can just say 'he'. Formal vernacular isn't always necessary and doesn't make your writing good or make you intelligent.

4) Commas are your friend, you can use them for pauses i.e. "Now, do you know what..."

5) Remember your tense - "my eyes widen" is present tense, when the rest of the passage before is past tense.

6) Commas are your friend! "Yes, it is son." Makes the speech sound more realistic - human even. Speech is not a drone - it has rhythms, pauses, cadences.

7) You let out a sigh? Or your father? This is not clear and readers like ambiguity only when it is important to the plot, not when describing a simple action.

8) Breath described as "bellowing" is a cliche.

9) Try writing without the Thesaurus at your side.

10) Don't over-describe simple things.

11) Don't use 3 words when one will suffice.

Now, I fully expect you to skim this post, reply with some banal "That's great...thanks...I will try...", and then we will never see this 'Brainstorm' again.

But just once, just once, try and re-write this passage, re-post it, and maybe, just maybe, you will actually engage your fellow forum members, and I don't just mean on this forum alone, instead of testing their patience and subjecting them to more inane posts to which you then get upset when they don't respond.
 
I like the text.

I'm somewhat interested in reading further. The first sentence you say that someone reminds you of an orangutan. Personally I don't like seeing a complex word in the first sentence starting off a passage.

If I were writing it; I'd keep it to simple words.
Ape, monkey or a baby gorilla.
 
I am feeling generous today and have some time to kill, so I will offer some critique on another of your 'Brainstorms', for you to ignore, skim, or take on board and give you an opportunity to actually do something productive with your writing. The choice is yours.

The first time I saw Henry he reminded me of an Orangutan.
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Good opening sentence, the unexpected comparison, but 'orangutan' doesn't need a capital O.

He had an oversize chunk of banana flesh stuck out his chops.
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Hideous sentence. Firstly, you mean "oversized" and "stuck out his chops" is ugly. At the very least you could have said "stuck out of his chops". Hanging out of his mouth is what I think you mean and it is what you should have simply said. "Lolling" might have worked too. At a push.

Casually the fruit disappeared into his throat with the slow inward folds of his lips.
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"Casually" does not quite fit with "stuck" in the previous sentence. Also, is fruit ever eaten formally? It's just not good. And is the fruit being swallowed with his lip folds? Or by his lip folds? And what the hell does his mouth look like anyway? I have a very B-movie image in mind of this character.

He sat heavy on a low-set cushion seat by the biography section; an open book on his lap.
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Do you mean he sat "heavily"? What is a low-set cushion - do you mean low down? Positioned low? Of low position? "Low-set" isn't a good phrase and not one used in common vernacular. But you remembered the hyphen and that's a big thumbs up.

A book open on his lap? Or an opened book on his lap? Decide which you prefer but get it right.

I was behind a study table within eye-shot of the tramp, the nameless patron I called Henry.
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I don't like "within eye-shot", it's a little odd. His eye-shot or yours? Do you mean he can see you or you can see him without being seen? Be clear on what you mean. And say it simply.

The name made him real, human, in my private analysis.
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Dear lord. You don't really need to say that the name made him "human" - real, yes, but not human. He is human regardless of name. A name on an inhuman thing could make it human - but a name on a human doesn't make him more human.

"In my private analysis" is just awful. The reader can think you know. A reader is a fairly intelligent beast. In this passage you are making your thoughts known. Thoughts. You are not speaking to anyone else, no other characters, which makes "private" completely superfluous. And "analysis" is a 10 dollar word when you just needed a 1 dollar word. You could completely do without the "in my private analysis" and it wouldn't alter your point about the name making him real at all. And, here's the bonus, it would make your writing better.

He was flesh and bone; he possessed emotions and he carried a story, his story, and that made Henry an interesting character.
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"and that made Henry an interesting character" is pedestrian, passive and an extremely uninteresting clause. Ironically, it does the opposite to your point too.

When in passing I greeting him, occasionally, with a head nod.
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Too many words cloud your point, Pontiac. First of all, it is 'greeted' and not "greeting" as you have written. This garbled sentence throws up many, many frustrated questions. This passage begins as a reflection on the first time you have seen him. Now, you suggest that you pass him a lot - either you pass him occasionally or you occasionally nod at him on a few of your passings.

And a head nod? What else would one nod with? You don't really need to say "head nod" unless you intend to add 'mouth said", "foot walked", or "ear heard" to your writing.


My gesture would always spark some type of fleeting bliss in Henry that made his stone cold mug illuminate with rigorous nobility; his facial features gave way to a crooked smile, exposing the few teeth still trapped in his gums.
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Again, you are suggesting that you always see this man, but this is about your first impression unless you signposted a move away from that. Which you didn't.

"Some type of fleeting bliss" - Too much - it's either fleeting bliss or it isn't. Unless there are many kinds of fleeting bliss and you are just too lazy to pinpoint which one you meant. Just say "fleeting bliss" and leave it at that.

Here you also pack in 100 dollar words with the incongruous nickel word. "Fleeting bliss...illuminate...rigorous nobility" up against "mug". Mmmmm, smooth writing style. Contrast by all means if there is a point. Don't if Roget is helping you along the way.

"Stone cold" has a hyphen. Nuff said.

Now, how about re-writing this again and letting us see what you come up with?

Oh, ok, then.
 
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