Italian student needing some help

[felipebattisti]

Hello everyone,

I’m an italian student (in marketing), and I’m trying to build my own touristic company in Roma.

And I need some help and suggestions from english speaking people (canadians, british, americans, autralians…)

In this company, I want to offer people coming in Roma a romantic experience in a personalized theatre.

But my english is very bad, and I asked to friends of mine to traduct my webpage in english.

I received four proposals, and I don’t know wich of them is the most professional, the better for american and british people.

Here is the link of theses traductions :
http://ezaesqf4798.site.voila.fr/thetest.htm
When there is a “?”, that’s because the paragraph is not yet traducted.

Could you please say me wich of these is better, for me ?
Could you please say me, for each of these, if the traduction is very good, good, poor, bad, or very bad ?
If you want, you can send me an email to : felipebattisti@yahoo.it to give me your indications and suggestions.
The traduction need to be as “poetic” as it was when I wrote it in italian. The traduction need to be “magic” for my customers. People need to want to buy such an experience, reading the webpage.

I really need your help ! It’s very very important for me !

I need to succeed in creating my own job !

Thanks

Felipe Battisti

 

[StillILearn]

Still reeling. Let me get back to you on this tomorrow.

 

[KristoCat]

Proposal C is the best. It's clearly the most fluid of the four, and the language and phrasing sounds much more natural, like an actual human did it instead of a machine.

 

[Libre]

Hello Felipe
I don't speak Italian - so I can't say which is the BEST translation. I will tell you, that NONE of the proposals really sound like fluent English - at least, to an American. They are all clearly translations. The language is too heavy - too descriptive. It needs to be stripped down a little.
For example, from proposal D:
Hand in hand, you turn to the adorable motorized red insect. You settle down there with complicity, intrigued by surprise by mystery destination that the driver has reserved for you.

NO NO NO!
Definitely NOT "insect".
Write it:
Hand in hand, you get into the car. As you settle in, intrigued with the mystery of the experience, the driver takes you off towards your destination.

Another example from proposal D:
Then your car slows down and comes to a standstill in front of an elegant façade and contemporarily designed corner of an art neighborhood. There you are greeted by a hostess, who accompanies you into the interior of the building.

I might write it:
Then your car stops in front of an elegant building, where you are greeted by a hostess who accompanies you inside.

I'm not saying that's exactly how it should be - as I say I haven't seen the original, and couldn't read it if I did.

All the proposals suffer from this excess of laborious, descriptive language.

I would probably agree that C is the best of the lot, though.

 

[MonkeyCatcher]

I agree that C is the best. Their translations flow /much/ better, and are not hindered by oddly placed words, nor are they too over-descriptive.

Write it:
Hand in hand, you get into the car. As you settle in, intrigued with the mystery of the experience, the driver takes you off towards your destination.

I might write it:
Then your car stops in front of an elegant building, where you are greeted by a hostess who accompanies you inside.

I disagree. For a novel, yes, this wording would be much better as it does not swamp the story in unecessary detail, but for an ad trying to persuade people to come and enjoy this experience, I believe that it needs more detail and descriptive language. Writing it like this does not make it sound exotic or overly appealing. From reading this, I get the impression that there is nothing special or intriguing about the place, no different from my own doorstep, in fact, so why bother travelling thousands of miles to get there? You /want/ it to feel exotic and you /want/ it to exude an air of over-the-top extravagance. At least, in my opinion.

 

[Wabbit]

Have you tried newsgroups? There are a few dedicated to language. If you post asking they might help you.

 

[felipebattisti]

Ok, thanks a lot !!!!!
So, I'll choice the proposal C !