It's not you, it's your books

[SFG75]

The New York Times has an excellent essay by Rachel Donadio regarding reading habits and compatibility in dating. In short, women are more likely than men to dump someone over reading taste, or the lack thereof. One example in the article cited a young lady who broke up with a promising young man after not being able to stomach his interest in Ayn Rand. Listing your reading interests is "crucial" when creating a facebook or other online account supposedly. It's also a ruthless game for the poseur.

Naming a favorite book or author can be fraught. Go too low, and you risk looking dumb. Go too high, and you risk looking like a bore — or a phony. “Manhattan dating is a highly competitive, ruthlessly selective sport,” Augusten Burroughs, the author of “Running With Scissors” and other vivid memoirs, said. “Generally, if a guy had read a book in the last year, or ever, that was good enough.” The author recalled a date with one Michael, a “robust blond from Germany.” As he walked to meet him outside Dean & DeLuca, “I saw, to my horror, an artfully worn, older-than-me copy of ‘Proust’ by Samuel Beckett.” That, Burroughs claims, was a deal breaker. “If there existed a more hackneyed, achingly obvious method of telegraphing one’s education, literary standards and general intelligence, I couldn’t imagine it.”

We've had a thread here in the past about whether or not you would dump someone over their reading interests or lack of interest in reading. I guess I'd like to know what others think of this essay and whether or not they would go to the extent of ending a relationship over a potential spouse's reading interests.

 

[joderu95]

I think Manhattan is infested with flakes if this is actually true. The article gets a lot more sensible at the end though. The comments by Levy in particular hit the mark. New Yorkers seem to have this ultra-specialized culture that is unique to the that city. I doubt the prevalence of this kind of dating behavior in other cities, at least to the extent the author makes it appear in New York. But if it is true these types are self-righteous, pseudo intellectuals anyway whose thoughts and behaviors are radioactive to the soul.

 

[silverseason]

It may not be the worst way to sort out the applicants for your time and attention. But surely there are some who would just like to have some applicants.

 

[The waveguide]

I guess I'd like to know what others think of this essay and whether or not they would go to the extent of ending a relationship over a potential spouse's reading interests.

I don't know... I met some people who read Dan Brown (and that's it) so it did not go too far (even not as a spouse. Just friends). I simply could not get it out of my mind. I found myself openly mocking these people.

I do value in a person the ability to read a lot and everything. May be "everything" is the key here - this is how you know that the other side is not so narrow-minded.

 

[sparkchaser]

What a person reads, or if they even read at all, does factor into the equation when I consider whether someone is dateable or not. If I find out that a gal has read everything Ann Coulter and Sean Hannity have put out, I will certainly give second thoughts about dating them. If they don't read or worse yet take a pride in not reading then I make a hasty retreat.

 

[Libra]

What a person reads, or if they even read at all, does factor into the equation when I consider whether someone is dateable or not. If I find out that a gal has read everything Ann Coulter and Sean Hannity have put out, I will certainly give second thoughts about dating them. If they don't read or worse yet take a pride in not reading then I make a hasty retreat.

They are annoying, aren't they?lol

Well, I can't dump now after 22 years ,we have different interests. Me its books , and more brain games, and he is more computers and everything about them and sports.but I have to say it always fascinates me what other people read and I like to raid their bookcases

 

[Robert]

What a strange criterion to use. It seems to me choice of literature was the last thing on my mind when Patricia (my wife) and I were dating.

 

[sparkchaser]

Is it? Usually by the second date I am trying to find out more about the person and the question "do you read much?" rears it's head.

 

[abecedarian]

I dated a non reader once. When I realized I was dumbing down my vocabulary so I could talk to him, I ran for the hills. I married a reader, and I've been thankful many times over that I did. Our reading interests don't always agree, but they do often enough that we can share the same book now and then. That's always fun. What I think goes deeper is the mindset that goes with being book people. We never need to argue over the worth of buying books and spending quality time reading..never.

 

[Ronny]

I don't know if I would of stopped dating my hubby over books but one of the things I liked about him was how much he read. We don't often read the same books and that doesn't bother me. I don't think his tastes are better or worse than mine just different but it's nice when we do read a book together and talking about books is something we really enjoy. Also I don't know if many non-reading men would put up with all the piles of books around my house, in my car and bulging from my bag and I couldn't live happily without those.

 

[abecedarian]

I don't know if I would of stopped dating my hubby over books but one of the things I liked about him was how much he read. We don't often read the same books and that doesn't bother me. I don't think his tastes are better or worse than mine just different but it's nice when we do read a book together and talking about books is something we really enjoy. Also I don't know if many non-reading men would put up with all the piles of books around my house, in my car and bulging from my bag and I couldn't live happily without those.

My hubby is a neater reader rabbit than me.. he gets upset over the over abundance and piles now and then, so we'll have a purge...Goodwill is about to have a windfall

 

[Ronny]

My hubby is that way too. He often gives his books away right after he's done with them and I tend to want to hang on to them but he never rereads and I often do. He also tends to stick with one book at a time and I usually have like 3 going, one up stairs, one down and one in my bag for traveling and waiting around.

 

[abecedarian]

There are certain books I know I just can't get rid of. He's read them numerous times, and it might have been years ago...but when he's feeling stressed and has nothing else to read, he'll want one of his 'old standards.'

 

[angerball]

I'm not particularly bothered. My husband is a non-reader, though he has started reading Carl Sagan. He just can't stand fiction, though. I can understand not wanting to date someone because you can see they have a belief/ideaology that's very different to yours, based on what they read. But I think it's a bit silly to dismiss someone offhand simply because they don't read at all.

Having said all that, I remember being very miffed at a friend of mine who thought Fight Club was just bullshit, and that something like that would never happen. Odd, because when reading the book, it amazed me that something like that (people creating Fight Clubs) hasn't happened before. Needless to say, we were different in many other ways.

 

[Ronny]

See my hubby has a few history, military and poetry books he's had since we met and will never part with but as far as most books go he's a 1 time only reader. He mostly reads series though and they are so long that he can spend years on a series, I don't have the patience to even read them once, the couple he's got me hooked on drive me nuts.

 

[Robert]

How things have changed. When I met my wife, she was a big reader and I never read. Now I read all the time and she rarely cracks a book. She says she wants to start reading again and is eying my ever-growing collection of books, especially the classics.