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Jim's Star

-Carlos-

New Member
This is a very short story (486 word count) for a contest I just entered. I hope you like the short, very short, story I wrote:

Jim's Star

At the tender age of five, Jim created a star. A simple design really, yet, in his eyes it evoked power; Jim thought of it grandiose. It was bigger than life itself, greater than anything he could conceive. It was a star by all means. A star!

So Jim sat back and dared himself to make a second star. This time the star would be bigger and better than the first. So he took the red crayon, slid the construction paper near his body, and began to reproduce the lines. The first step was to draw a line from the bottom of the sheet up, and slanted to the right. A downward line came next. It also had to be angled to the right, before the third line, moving up and tilting left, was completed. The next line, Jim's favorite, dashed across the intersections then downward to the initial starting point. Jim was thrilled! Not only had he made one star, but he made two! The second one was as tall as a mountain and as wide as a train.

That timeless scene had never escaped Jim's memory. He recalled it clearly, even as an adult. It was at that moment in time that he discovered his love of stars. But, even with all the knowledge he had accumulated in regards to stars, Jim never again tasted that childlike sensation. Jim was always packing his brain with all varieties of insights; Jim was entranced to the point of frenzy.

His sole admirer was a beautiful green eye lady with girlish allure. Sadly Jim was blind to her charm. But the beauty was not quick in surrendering her feelings for Jim. After some time she became bolder in her determination at landing the rigid detective. In the end it was a simple kiss that sparked a passionate love affair. But her tender love did not deter him from his pursuit of his childhood lift. For Jim needed to feel the same excitement he experienced that day when crisscrossed lines granted him an indelible mark.

Months later, the woman, now married and pregnant with Jim's child, walked outside to accompany her husband. It was late and Jim was peering through a telescope pointed at a heavenly landscape of stars. Jim was still in search of the elusive sensation. One quiet morning, years later, his now four-year-old daughter walked up to him in enthusiastic play. But Jim, because of study, was oblivious to his daughter's constant tugs. After a moment he turned his weary head toward his bright-eyed, smiling, daughter. It was at that point that he realized his work was over. He had found the elusive star! The star resided right before him: his own daughter with her gleaming eyes overwhelmed him. Jim swiveled around to face her, picked her up, and held her close with eyes full of tears. He found his star, his love, his life.

I am not fired-up that I will win with this entry but who knows, I might find luck, somehow. Let's see what happens. :)

Carlos

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Cute story.
There are a few points where I had to re-read b/c it struck me as awkward wording, but stuff like that is all stylistic. People are going to have a gazillion different opinions on it.
Good job.
 
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