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Jokes

K-Dawn

K-Dawn

New Member
Bob, Fred, and Jack went to an out-of-town convention. Bob had a really nice red car that they took. When the convention was done, Bob said, "Oh no! I think I left my keys in the car!" And sure enough, when they got to the car, the keys were right there in the ignition.
Fred said, "Well, why don't we just throw a brick through the window?"
"But it's my really cool car! We can't throw a brick through it!"
Jack suggested, "We could get a locksmith and he could open it."
"Great idea," Bob said. "But let's hurry, because I see some dark clouds in the sky."
"Yeah, we'd better hurry," said Fred. "Because it's gonna be raining and your top's down!"

Now, first, you need to know what a spitoon is. A spitoon is a can where people would spit their tobacco during the old west.
So, this guy went into a bar and said, "Sir, I need something to drink, really."
The bartender said, "Well, I'm not going to sell to you."
"No, sir, you don't understand. I really need something to drink. And if you won't sell to me, I'll just drink from the spitoon."
"I don't believe you. You won't drink from the spitoon."
"Okay, I'll prove it to you." And the guy started drinking from the spitoon: CHUG, CHUG, CHUG.
"Okay, okay, I believe you. I'll sell to you now."
But the guy kept drinking: CHUG, CHUG, CHUG.
"Sir, I said I'd give you something to drink. Please stop drinking from the spitoon."
But the guy kept going: CHUG, CHUG, CHUG.
"Sir, I'll sell you something. I'll give it to you for free! Just please stop drinking from that blasted spitoon!"
CHUG, CHUG, CHUG. Finally, the guy stopped drinking.
"Sorry," he said. "I couldn't stop. It was all in one string." :eek:

Once there was a lady that had a cat named Love. She named it love because of her deep passion for it. One day the cat ran away, so the lady put on a silk robe and went to look for it. A policeman saw her and asked her what she was doing. She replied, "I'm looking for Love."
 
K-Dawn said:
Now, first, you need to know what a spitoon is. A spitoon is a can where people would spit their tobacco during the old west.
So, this guy went into a bar and said, "Sir, I need something to drink, really."
The bartender said, "Well, I'm not going to sell to you."
"No, sir, you don't understand. I really need something to drink. And if you won't sell to me, I'll just drink from the spitoon."
"I don't believe you. You won't drink from the spitoon."
"Okay, I'll prove it to you." And the guy started drinking from the spitoon: CHUG, CHUG, CHUG.
"Okay, okay, I believe you. I'll sell to you now."
But the guy kept drinking: CHUG, CHUG, CHUG.
"Sir, I said I'd give you something to drink. Please stop drinking from the spitoon."
But the guy kept going: CHUG, CHUG, CHUG.
"Sir, I'll sell you something. I'll give it to you for free! Just please stop drinking from that blasted spitoon!"
CHUG, CHUG, CHUG. Finally, the guy stopped drinking.
"Sorry," he said. "I couldn't stop. It was all in one string." :eek:
Click to expand...

... ::vomits:: :(
 
The following are accounts of actual exchanges between airline pilots and
control towers around the world.

**********************************************************

"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."

"Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"

"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

**********************************************************

From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing
bored!"

Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself
immediately!"

Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"

**********************************************************

O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a
Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."

United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the
little Fokker in sight."

**********************************************************

A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight.

While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your
last known position?"

Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."

**********************************************************

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out
after touching down.

San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of
the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit
off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

**********************************************************

There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing
because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked."

Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a
B-52 that had one engine shut down.

"Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."

**********************************************************

Taxiing down the tarmac, a DC-10 abruptly stopped, turned around and
returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off.

A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What, exactly, was the
problem?"

"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the
flight attendant. "It took us a while to find a new pilot."

**********************************************************

A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich
overheard the following: Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start
clearance time?"

Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."

Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in
Germany. Why must I speak English?"

Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because
you lost the bloody war."

**********************************************************
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a
short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking
location, but how to get there without any assistance from them.

So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the
following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways
747, call sign Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."

Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."

The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate
location now."

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been
to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I
didn't land."

*****************************************************************

While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight
departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a
United 727.

An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming:
"US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto
Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's
difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting
hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to
sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You
can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want
you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You
got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent
after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging
the irate ground controller in her current state of mind.
Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.

Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone,
asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"
:D :D
 
Cathy C said:
The following are accounts of actual exchanges between airline pilots and
control towers around the world.

***********************************************

From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing
bored!"

Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself
immediately!"

Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"

***********************************************

:D
Click to expand...
 
Court In The Act . . . .
These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

1.
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15th.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

2.
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

3.
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

4.
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

5.
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke.
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

6.
Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.

7.
Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

8.
Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for 10 years. I even went to school for it.

9.
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

10.
Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue Lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?

11.
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

12.
Q: The youngest son, the 20-year old, how old is he?


13.
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?


14.
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

15.
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

16.
Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

17.
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

18.
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?


19.
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

20.
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

21.
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

22.
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

23.
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?


24.
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practising law somewhere.
 
mr_michel said:
1.
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15th.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

6.
Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.

21.
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
Click to expand...

Well, you can't fault their logic, can you?! :D I've seen these before but they always make me laugh! And judging by the brain-dead law undergraduate I once shared a house with, I bet these kind of things get said quite a lot. :rolleyes:
 
Taxiing down the tarmac, a DC-10 abruptly stopped, turned around and
returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off.

A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What, exactly, was the
problem?"

"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the
flight attendant. "It took us a while to find a new pilot."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

15.
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

24.
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practising law somewhere.


I’m still cracking up. :D
 
Transcript of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland.


Americans: "Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision."

Canadians: "Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision."

Americans: "This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course."

Canadians: "No, I say again, you divert YOUR course."

Americans: "This is the aircraft carrier USS Abraham Lincoln. the second largest ship in the United States' Atlantic fleet. We are accompanied by three support destroyers, three cruisers and numerous support vessels. I demand you change you course 15 degrees north. That one-five degrees north, or counter measures will be taken to ensure the safety of this ship."

Canadians: "This is a lighthouse. Your call."
 
mr_michel said:
24.
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practising law somewhere.
Click to expand...
:D :D :D :D :D :D :D

This is an exact replication of National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster and US Army General Weinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.

Female Interviewer: "So, General Weinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?"
GENERAL WEINWALD: "We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting."
Female Interviewer: "Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?"
GENERAL WEINWALD: "I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range."
Female Interviewer: "Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?"
GENERAL WEINWALD: "Don't see how... we will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm."
Female Interviewer: "But you are equipping them to become violent killers."
GENERAL WEINWALD: "Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?"

The radio went silent and the interview ended.
 
HAHA!!! Gizmo, that's funny!!!!
Here's my contribution.
............................................
The 6th grade (11-12 year olds) science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

No one answered until little Mary stood up, angry, and said, "You should
not be asking 6th graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my
parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire
you!"

With a sneer on her face, she then sat back down.

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part
increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

Little Mary's mouth fell open; then she said to those around her, "Boy,
is she gonna get in big trouble!"

The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"

Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body
part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of
the eye."

Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued,
"As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:

(1) you have a dirty mind,
(2) you didn't read your homework, and
(3) one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."
 
Gizmo said:
This is an exact replication of National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster and US Army General Weinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.

Female Interviewer: "So, General Weinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?"
GENERAL WEINWALD: "We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting."
Female Interviewer: "Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?"
GENERAL WEINWALD: "I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range."
Female Interviewer: "Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?"
GENERAL WEINWALD: "Don't see how... we will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm."
Female Interviewer: "But you are equipping them to become violent killers."
GENERAL WEINWALD: "Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?"

The radio went silent and the interview ended.
Click to expand...

FANTASTIC!!!! lol
 
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