Only the Only - A very short story.

[Peter Jordan]

Hi All

Keen to read your thoughts on this stroy of mine I wrote for a course I attended in Wellington 1992.

Only the Only

The solid crystal of the chair bit into his back as he lifted the cup away from his saucer, towards his lips. He looked around, they were all around him, talking about him in their language of shifting tones. He could not understand the language, but he knew they were discussing him, he was, after all the only human on this world of blue scaled creatures. They would know they could utter those changing tones in reference to him, without him knowing. But he knew, he knew what disgusting things they were saying about him.

The cup fell and settled in the saucer. He reconised their noise, he knew it was their weird version of laughter. They were laughing at him, they were taking his strange looks in jest. The walked the same, they wore the same clothes, they even used similiar scents, but it was the look of the skin which counted. It was enough that he was the butt of of their conversation, but to be laughed at as well, he would not sit here and take it. Standing up so suddenly, that he sent the chair flying to the floor, he left for the exit, as the crystal chair shattered across the smooth rock floor.

In dark and unpainted tunnels, all through the planet, the blue creatures chattered in their musical voice, they saw his appearence, they saw his different skin, and just because of this they conversed and laughed about him.

Finally he reached the stairway. He followed the stairs up and onto the sanctury of the planet’s surface. Awaiting him was his shuttle, the means of transport to his ship in orbit. He knew exactly what this planet’s race of creatures, creatures that laugh at a person because of his being different, needed. This planet was ready for what he had in mind, and his ship was capable of administrating it.

It did not take long to reach the correct position, he pressed the flashing red button under his finger, sending Akswish, a world unique in the fact that every inhabitant was totally blind, into oblivion.


Written and Copyright 1992 Peter Jordan.

 

[WriterJohnB]

It's got a good premise, the blindness, but it missed the mark because you're in the MC's point of view. He can't obliterate the planet and still know they are blind. Also, sentences run together and make it difficult to read.

I'd work on this more and get into the character's head, lead up to his landing on the planet and build a sense of mystery.

Hope that helps,

JohnB

 

[Peter Jordan]

Hi John

Thank you for your comments, they are appreciated. Thank you for your sentence critique. My grammar has improved immensely since 1992 enabling me to finally get a book published.

I will take on your suggestion about the rewrite. I guess I have been a bit against this as it was meant to be a finished work in 1992 but it should be presented as best as it can.

I am a bit puzzled about your comment on the POV as the reason I did not make the story 1st person was for the final disclosure of the inhabitant’s blindness. Obviously the jump to reality was too sudden for you and I will think about a way around this without losing the suddenness of the disclosure.

Thanks again

Peter

 

[Occlith]

the blue creatures...saw his appearence, they saw his different skin

They were blind but they saw him?

he pressed the flashing red button under his finger, sending Akswish, a world unique in the fact that every inhabitant was totally blind, into oblivion.

Explain why the human overreacts and how he would possess such a powerful weapon that could destroy a world.

 

[Peter Jordan]

Hi Occlith

Thanks for your comments.

The quote that the creatures saw his different skin was from the main character's point of view and the main character did not know that the creatures were blind.

Your guess why the main character has access to such a powerful device is probably as good as mine. The exact reason is not relevant to the story and introducing the history of the main character’s possessions would detract from the main point of the story.

The main point of the story is that we need to realise that how we see the world is coloured by our own experiences and feelings and the reality may be totally different. This is reason why the main character overreacts, he has major inferior feelings and paranoia and projects these upon these unfortunate creatures. Thus when he cannot understand what is being said he immediately thinks the subject is him and not in a good way.

As the reader we learn that the creatures were blind and if we re-read the story with that knowledge we can see there is no way that they would know he is different than them as he never attempted to speak to them. Thus they were not laughing at him nor even speaking about him and this was all in the main character’s mind.

Why blow up the planet? Well as an author I try to kill as many characters as I can, in my superhero comedy (1996) half of Christchurch is blown up and every main character except three die (not published yet, needs a massive rewrite). But seriously I wanted to present how much damage a misconception could create by going to the extreme.

Cheers

Peter

 

[Occlith]

The quote that the creatures saw his different skin was from the main character's point of view and the main character did not know that the creatures were blind.

Since we don't know much about the human character we don't know if this is paranoia or if the blue creatures "see" in a different way than a human would.

The exact reason is not relevant to the story and introducing the history of the main character’s possessions would detract from the main point of the story.

I disagree. I think it would make the story more interesting. For example, he's a starship captain who was retired early. He has access to weaponry. He was forced to retire for an unknown reason. Blowing up a planet by the end of the story is a tip off.

The main point of the story is that we need to realise that how we see the world is coloured by our own experiences and feelings and the reality may be totally different. This is reason why the main character overreacts, he has major inferior feelings and paranoia and projects these upon these unfortunate creatures.

As John said - rewrite.

Why blow up the planet?

I didn't mention anything was wrong with blowing up a planet. But since you bring it up, I'll say that it's been done many times in many sf stories and novels. Star Wars, Hitchhiker's Guide, Dirty Pair, etc. Feel free to follow tradition.