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Red Revenge (please tell me if the first chapter is any good)

EnchantedWriter

New Member
The black bandana was tight around his face. The highest point was just bellow his blue eyes. His mother always said that ‘those eyes could fool any one’ and they did. His brown hair was starting to get in his eyes, but he could not risk moving his other hand. His forehead was wet with sweat from his hat. His feat where starting to hurt a bit. But he knew it was worth the money. As he looked into the peoples eyes he knew that they where not looking at his face, or the bag they where putting their money into, but at the revolver in his hand.
“How many more you got till we can get outa here Jack?” his partner yelled from the back of the train.
“I got me about 3 more, you” Jack replied.
“I’m all done here, what should we do with them?”
“hogtie em” Jack replied.
“we don’t have enough rope.”
Jack knew what had to be done then, they already knew their names, but murder. Jack was only 19. He had only ran away from home to join the hangman’s gang only a week ago, and he’s already been asked to rob a train and now to kill every one on it. Then he saw him, he saw a small boy maybe 4 or 5 years old. “what about the children?” there was a pause. Then there was 10 shots from where his partner was. Then he came into Jacks cab covered in blood.
“if your not going to do it I will” he said as he shoot every one but the child. “now do what you want with him but do it quickly I’m sure that the law are on to us by now.
Jack reached out his hand to the child hiding behind the seat “It’s ok, where the good guys” the child grabbed jacks hand and walked with him, just then 3 windows of the train shattered with the sound of gun shots. “get down” he yelled. He quickly slid towards the wall of the train where the shots came from. He looked at his partner and they both knew what to do. Shoot their way out. Jack stuck his head up enough to see 3 lawmen on horse’s and 4 more on foot right beside them. Each with rifles. Jack slowly eased him self down. He had to admit it, he was scared to death. He wished he would have just stayed at home. He had the life any one would want. He could read, write, his parents had their own ranch that was successful. But no, he had to be a rebel and leave the perfect life to get shot at by law enforcement. Just then he heard a shot, and then a thump, like something fell on the floor. He looked over to see his partner lying on the floor bleeding from his chest. The blood pooling around him, some coming out his mouth.
“take- take the money and get out of here, don’t let em get you” he said, then his eyes glazed over. Jack was alone.
 
My advice: try to avoid using 'was' so much, especially in the beginning. Find more interesting verbs, and put things into motion.
The bandanna was tight
This is describing a state of being for an object, but nothing is happening. Maybe you could describe how the bandanna starts to slip down and Jack pushes it back up.
His brown hair was in his eyes, his forehead was wet with sweat.
Make the hair fall into his eyes. Show a bead of sweat trickling down his temple. Show things in action and avoid static description.

A contractor can't build a house without knowing how to use a hammer & drill. For writers, the essential tools are grammar, punctuation and spelling. Check out some of the free web sites that'll help you improve on the fundamentals.

Finally, keep writing! Like any skill, our writing improves with practice.

Just my $.02. Hope it helps!

~KC
 
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