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Revelations

Vespertilio91

Vespertilio91

New Member
"Dreams," she said, "are exact destructions of mankind.
When was it," she cried, "when I last heard the innocents cry."

Only could I answer, "Not too long ago, and dreams are not our demise."

"Dreams lead to aspirations,
Which in turn evolve into conflicts,
Full war,
And finally death," quoth she who shattered mirrors on the realist plane.

"But nothing is my life without these dreams," restated I
Of whom begged at the Titans' feet.

"A foolish parody,
Nothing more. An optimists' approach to their misfortune."
She sulked along the wall, ready for another meal.

"Then cleanse me, and drop me into the cynic world
That you've so solidly designed.
Give me your despair."

"No, only God has that choice, if even He controls it.
I can use you not,
No matter how I crave it."

Echoes bounced in silence.
Her grave face, sallow and downcast,
Shed a tear, grey and lifeless
As she soon drifted away.
Misery had finally forsaken me.


Although this does not look like one, it is a poem, free prosed. It's new for me, so say what you think.
 
I love it! I like the narrative format you've used, and you've given it all a fantastical edge while keeping it dark and philosophical.

One problem, though. I'm having issues with the second line. It seems forced, and a little off-subject. Maybe you should clarify that a bit.
 
Crap, I did forget to delete that line.

Here's the revised version...

"Dreams," she said, "are exact destructions of mankind
Seeming innocent, but a lie disguised
In their neverending quest for soothing sounds."

Only could I answer, "Not so far apart are we, and dreams not our demise."

"Dreams lead to aspirations,
Which in turn evolve into conflicts,
Full war,
And finally death," quoth she who shattered mirrors on the realist plane.

"But nothing is my life without these wreaths of hope," restated I
Of whom begged at the Titans' feet.

"A foolish parody,
Nothing more. An optimists' approach to their misfortune."
She sulked along the wall, ready for another meal.

"Then cleanse me, and drop me into the cynic world
That you've so solidly designed.
Give me your despair."

"No, only God has that choice, if even He controls it.
I can use you not,
No matter how I crave it."

Echoes bounced in silence.
Her grave face, sallow and downcast,
Shed a tear, grey and lifeless
As she soon drifted away.
Misery had finally forsaken me.
 
MUCH better. It might be my favorite that you've done so far.

...speaking of which...when were we going to do that "epic" thing we'd been talking about? I keep forgetting to ask when I see you.
 
Wow, the first poem that I full-heartedly enjoyed. A narrative, a philosophy, some random shizzy wiz thrown in for the biz (etc.), and a good closing. You better damn well copy right this before some internet asshole comes along to snatch it. Anyhow, good - great job.
 
The Epic poem. Well, Valkyrie we need to work on it soon, but I beg of you: NO RHYMING! Too singsongy. I don't think serious topics can be presented if in verses. Sounds too much like little bitty kiddies chanting... Not just yours; everything I read with singsong-y verse and even my own.

Sevenwritez, I have enough proof to prove it mine. You can vouch for me, too.
 
WOW Vesper, that really is very,very good. Definitely my favourite so far.
Well done (where are clappy smilies when you need them?) :D
 
Poppy1 said:
(where are clappy smilies when you need them?) :D
Click to expand...

Apparently, they are banned from the forum at the present time. I shall be presenting this to the moderators at once! :D

And thank you very much, all of you for your comments. I appreciate all of them.
 
clap.gif


You can always do this, though.
 
vrykolakas92 said:
There, see, I read it. Happy Vesper? :D It was good
Click to expand...

Thanks and FINALLY! My God, you've been on forever and only have 8 posts. I thought you'd actually enjoy this place, especially talking to peoples..... Oh well.

Thank you Valkyrie. I see it worked and now will use it appropriately.

Just not now.
 
SevenWritez said:
Maybe it's just me, but this forum seems as dead as that bug I squished a long, long time ago...
Click to expand...

I know the feeling. It seems no one even pays attention to this place anymore. POPPY1! How could you leave to another forum. Blasphemy! I know you still pop in every once in a while, but why leave completely? Is that forum so much better than ours? :(
 
Vespertilio91 said:
I know the feeling. It seems no one even pays attention to this place anymore. POPPY1! How could you leave to another forum. Blasphemy! I know you still pop in every once in a while, but why leave completely? Is that forum so much better than ours? :(
Click to expand...


...Did he leave to another forum, or a writing/book forum? If so uh...I'm just...curious about the name. *Looks away*
 
Yeah, he only visits this one every once in awhile now. It's quite sad. I dunno what forum he's going on now, but you should be ashamed, asking about which one. Planning on leaving are we?

SGF75 and some others created a forum that's quite like this one, though, and I wonder if that's the one Poppy's talking about. She's never here anymore either. And sirmyk, he doesn't post much anymore... :(
 
Vespertilio91 said:
And sirmyk, he doesn't post much anymore... :(
Click to expand...
Yeah, my life's a little complicated right now. I should visit more often. And maybe share some of my poems.
 
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