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Secrets
- Thread starter Catalyst
- Start date
Gem
kickbox
Hello Catalyst,
Hmmm..I don't think it would bother me to be honest, but if it was coupled with changes in his behaviour or attitude then I would talk it out.
I would perhaps just generally bring up the topic of chat rooms and porn sites, and his reaction would probably determine my own course of action.
Catalyst
New Member
I asked! Lol he went very red! Poor boy. He acted the innocent at first but then knew he was caught lol! I told him i dont really care about the porn stuff but i was a bit put out by the chat rooms, but he said he just goes on them to see whos on then leaves as a while ago he used to meet friends on them. There was an incident with a girl sending him flirty text messages so thats why i am paranoid about those chat rooms. He met this particular girl on there ages ago and she was a bit too persistant!
Gem
kickbox
It's good you got it out in the open. If you're paranoid about something then there's usually a good reason for it.
As long as he makes known to all internet girlies that he's crazy about you all is fine, if he doesn't then you may want to kick his arse
.
mehastings
Active Member
I don't really care what he is doing on the internet as long as it doesn't cause problems for me.
I know that he has had disks of porn in the past and probably still does. He just spent three months living in a firehouse with six men where every bathroom was full of nudie mags. It doesn't bother me as long as I'm not "neglected" in result. As far as denying it, a lot of guys are embarassed or think their girlfriends/wives will be angry so they tend to lie about it.
I don't think the chat rooms would bother me much either. I have plenty of people I talk to on the internet, many of them men. There are male members of this site who I have chatted privately with about music, TV, movies, our jobs and families. Not once have I thought of it as anything else, and I would hope that he would behave the same way.
Ultimately, I think it is an issue of respect. If he doesn't respect you enough to keep his internet "relationships" platonic you have a serious problem. At the same time if he feels that you don't respect his privacy or make an issue where there isn't one you may have a problem with it. I think if it were me and I didn't think something would come of it, I would just leave the topic alone. In fact, that is exactly what I already do.
I know that he has had disks of porn in the past and probably still does. He just spent three months living in a firehouse with six men where every bathroom was full of nudie mags. It doesn't bother me as long as I'm not "neglected" in result. As far as denying it, a lot of guys are embarassed or think their girlfriends/wives will be angry so they tend to lie about it.
I don't think the chat rooms would bother me much either. I have plenty of people I talk to on the internet, many of them men. There are male members of this site who I have chatted privately with about music, TV, movies, our jobs and families. Not once have I thought of it as anything else, and I would hope that he would behave the same way.
Ultimately, I think it is an issue of respect. If he doesn't respect you enough to keep his internet "relationships" platonic you have a serious problem. At the same time if he feels that you don't respect his privacy or make an issue where there isn't one you may have a problem with it. I think if it were me and I didn't think something would come of it, I would just leave the topic alone. In fact, that is exactly what I already do.
Ronny
Well-Known Member
I think there is a fine balance between privacy and secrecy that couples have to work out between themselves online and in real life.
Some people are comfortable with different levels of privacy and you should each be comfortable and discuss where your comfort level is.
I do a lot a chatting with different folks guys & gals and so does my hubby. We are usually pretty open about it as the computer is in the dining room and we are often in the room together. But neither of us would like the other reading over our shoulder all the time or going through our emails and such. If I choose to show him a thread, an email or IM (which I often do) then it is much different than if I found him checking up on me, I offer him the same privacy but if I came in and he seemed furtive or sneeky I'd have to ask what was going on.
Porn is another thing to establish your comfort level with, my hubby's in the military so it's everywhere at his work and doesn't bother me as long as it stays there.
Some people are comfortable with different levels of privacy and you should each be comfortable and discuss where your comfort level is.
I do a lot a chatting with different folks guys & gals and so does my hubby. We are usually pretty open about it as the computer is in the dining room and we are often in the room together. But neither of us would like the other reading over our shoulder all the time or going through our emails and such. If I choose to show him a thread, an email or IM (which I often do) then it is much different than if I found him checking up on me, I offer him the same privacy but if I came in and he seemed furtive or sneeky I'd have to ask what was going on.
Porn is another thing to establish your comfort level with, my hubby's in the military so it's everywhere at his work and doesn't bother me as long as it stays there.
Catalyst
New Member
But how far does this privacy thing go before it can be used as an excuse to hide things? I know that he used to chat and meet girls off the net long before he met me. In fact he met his soon to be ex wife on the Yahoo messenger hting. The marrige was a disaster, lasting 3 months. THis was a year and a half ago and the divorce still isnt settled because she is being difficult.
He keeps pictures on the computer of all of these girls he has spoken to. Now as you say if they are friends that he sometimes talks to then im cool with that, i do know of a couple of girls that he talks to as friends. They come to him for advice as he is that kind of guy that seems to have a lot of girl mates. But why keep these pictures?
I dont want to keep bringing this up as eventually his ex wife will appear the conversation and i dont want that to happen. I say this as he still has pictures of her in his pc too. Maybe he just isnt too good at removing clutter!
Jeez, this makes me sound like such a paranoid girl friend but really i am not. We've been together 9 months and i see us still together another 9 months from now si i dont want to be keeping secrets. He has kept others in the past, mainly about girls.
He keeps pictures on the computer of all of these girls he has spoken to. Now as you say if they are friends that he sometimes talks to then im cool with that, i do know of a couple of girls that he talks to as friends. They come to him for advice as he is that kind of guy that seems to have a lot of girl mates. But why keep these pictures?
I dont want to keep bringing this up as eventually his ex wife will appear the conversation and i dont want that to happen. I say this as he still has pictures of her in his pc too. Maybe he just isnt too good at removing clutter!
Jeez, this makes me sound like such a paranoid girl friend but really i am not. We've been together 9 months and i see us still together another 9 months from now si i dont want to be keeping secrets. He has kept others in the past, mainly about girls.
Litany
Active Member
He sounds dodgy. I talk to people on the internet, I'm even doing it now, but I don't save photos of them.
I know someone at work who was trusting her husband over something like this. She found porn on the computer, 'Oh one of my mates downloaded it.' She found text messages on his phone, 'It's just the guys messing around.' She found whole logs of cybersex msn conversations, 'One of my friends has been using my account.' He had an excuse for everything, they were all lies and now they're divorced.
If you don't/can't trust him then why are you with him?
I know someone at work who was trusting her husband over something like this. She found porn on the computer, 'Oh one of my mates downloaded it.' She found text messages on his phone, 'It's just the guys messing around.' She found whole logs of cybersex msn conversations, 'One of my friends has been using my account.' He had an excuse for everything, they were all lies and now they're divorced.
If you don't/can't trust him then why are you with him?
Catalyst
New Member
I love him and do trust him...well i thought i did. He had been honest from the beginning about his marriage that he went through at 21 and the trouble he had with this. He also was honest about his promiscuous past that he had as a teenager and the peer pressure he had to do it.
I really want to talk to him about these pictures but i dont want him to know that i went looking for them, because i did. After i accidently found the info on the history on his computer i then went and had a look in the files called after his name. They arnt dodgy pictures. Just the kind of ones you would send to show who you are.
He is my first real love, which may be blinding me a little. Everything has been great and we get on so well. I dont want to ruin that!
Thanks guys - i dont post much on here but i need honesty and opinions and this is hte place for it.
Edit to add - we didnt meet online. We first met at archery club at uni and it went from there. I have met one or two folk over hte net but they have always been girls and were to do with my hobby, horse riding. I just dont think i understand the whole meeting people off the net to date thing. I think my boyfriend is a little shy whne he first meets girls so the net makes him feel a little safer. Though he managed to get me by being very persistant with phone calls lo, as at the time we met i was with another guy.
I really want to talk to him about these pictures but i dont want him to know that i went looking for them, because i did. After i accidently found the info on the history on his computer i then went and had a look in the files called after his name. They arnt dodgy pictures. Just the kind of ones you would send to show who you are.
He is my first real love, which may be blinding me a little. Everything has been great and we get on so well. I dont want to ruin that!
Thanks guys - i dont post much on here but i need honesty and opinions and this is hte place for it.
Edit to add - we didnt meet online. We first met at archery club at uni and it went from there. I have met one or two folk over hte net but they have always been girls and were to do with my hobby, horse riding. I just dont think i understand the whole meeting people off the net to date thing. I think my boyfriend is a little shy whne he first meets girls so the net makes him feel a little safer. Though he managed to get me by being very persistant with phone calls lo, as at the time we met i was with another guy.
Libre
Member
Catalyst-
I've been following this thread, wanting to contribute, but a little hesitant. No matter how this situation strikes outside observers, we really can't get inside the heads of those involved. And, relationships are such important aspects of our lives, and they may be fragile and relatively easily damaged - sometimes by a single event (like an accusation, or a growing doubt).
I have now decided to add my take on this, repeating that it is just my view - based on my own experience and emotions.
Let me tell you first where I'm coming from.
I'm a 55 year old male. I was married/shacked up for 11 years - from my late 20's to early 40's. Then I was single for 14 years, now I'm married once again - this time happily. During my single/divorced period, I had a succession of relationships - quite a few, really. I'm giving you this background so you know I've been around the block a whole bunch of times - not YOUR block, to be sure, but I know the signs.
The porn is meaningless. Every male ever born in the history of the universe is stimulated by porn. Every man either has a collection or wants one. We are visual, and we like to look at naked women. That's all part of the PLAN. I think even gay guys like gay porn. It's just an aspect of our make-up.
Chat-room and internet relationships are an entirely different matter. I have to assume that these chats are not so innocent - or else, there would be no issue, no covering up, and no guilt - and from your accounts there indeed seem to be some of that. If it were innocent, you would know it intuitively. My wife knows I like porn, and she knows I post on this forum, and neither represent any threat to her what-so-ever.
Even if your SO is not planning to develop any of these internet relationships to the point of meeting them, it's a concern. He is doing something on the sly, investing his energy and emotions into other relationships, and then keeping them secret. None of this bodes well, to me.
You haven't said how old you are (or if you did, I missed it) and how much experience you have with relationships. I take it you are on the youngish side, for some reason. This could be just a passing fancy on his part, but frankly, he's acting like I remember I used to when I was withdrawing from my many relationships in my single/divorced phase. Keeping secrets about communications and pictures of cyber-companions just raises a huge RED FLAG.
It's time to have a heart-to-heart with him, and find out just where he's headed. If you get the feeling he's evading your concerns and questions, you know it's time for a little self-preservation. Figure out where you want to be - I'd hate for you to be hurt, neglected, or abused in any way.
From what I've read of the thread, you are the more mature and adult of the two of you - but of course you are, you're the female. All us guys are at least 1/2 little boy, mentally undressing our English teacher, the check-out girl in the supermarket, and the boss's secretary. That's normal. But, as my wife says, it's okay to look at the menu, as long as you don't order anything.
That you have concerns and don't feel free to address them withouth it sounding like an accusation is a cause for concern it itself.
I've been following this thread, wanting to contribute, but a little hesitant. No matter how this situation strikes outside observers, we really can't get inside the heads of those involved. And, relationships are such important aspects of our lives, and they may be fragile and relatively easily damaged - sometimes by a single event (like an accusation, or a growing doubt).
I have now decided to add my take on this, repeating that it is just my view - based on my own experience and emotions.
Let me tell you first where I'm coming from.
I'm a 55 year old male. I was married/shacked up for 11 years - from my late 20's to early 40's. Then I was single for 14 years, now I'm married once again - this time happily. During my single/divorced period, I had a succession of relationships - quite a few, really. I'm giving you this background so you know I've been around the block a whole bunch of times - not YOUR block, to be sure, but I know the signs.
The porn is meaningless. Every male ever born in the history of the universe is stimulated by porn. Every man either has a collection or wants one. We are visual, and we like to look at naked women. That's all part of the PLAN. I think even gay guys like gay porn. It's just an aspect of our make-up.
Chat-room and internet relationships are an entirely different matter. I have to assume that these chats are not so innocent - or else, there would be no issue, no covering up, and no guilt - and from your accounts there indeed seem to be some of that. If it were innocent, you would know it intuitively. My wife knows I like porn, and she knows I post on this forum, and neither represent any threat to her what-so-ever.
Even if your SO is not planning to develop any of these internet relationships to the point of meeting them, it's a concern. He is doing something on the sly, investing his energy and emotions into other relationships, and then keeping them secret. None of this bodes well, to me.
You haven't said how old you are (or if you did, I missed it) and how much experience you have with relationships. I take it you are on the youngish side, for some reason. This could be just a passing fancy on his part, but frankly, he's acting like I remember I used to when I was withdrawing from my many relationships in my single/divorced phase. Keeping secrets about communications and pictures of cyber-companions just raises a huge RED FLAG.
It's time to have a heart-to-heart with him, and find out just where he's headed. If you get the feeling he's evading your concerns and questions, you know it's time for a little self-preservation. Figure out where you want to be - I'd hate for you to be hurt, neglected, or abused in any way.
From what I've read of the thread, you are the more mature and adult of the two of you - but of course you are, you're the female. All us guys are at least 1/2 little boy, mentally undressing our English teacher, the check-out girl in the supermarket, and the boss's secretary. That's normal. But, as my wife says, it's okay to look at the menu, as long as you don't order anything.
That you have concerns and don't feel free to address them withouth it sounding like an accusation is a cause for concern it itself.
Catalyst
New Member
Hey Libre, thanks for your imput. I am 22, he is 23 and out of the 2 of us he is hte more experienced when it comes to relationships, as in he has had more than i. I think his were more sex based, which for a teenge boy is fair enough. Before him i had 2 serious boyfriend. One at school and one that finished when i met this current boyfriend, though it was on its way out anyway. That guy managed to cheat on me so that may have knocked my confidence a bit. For a woman of 22 that may not sound like many but iv never been one to have anything with a guy unless i know it is going to last. That may be why i come across as young....well not young, just a little unexperienced when it comes to very serious relationships.
The porn thing doesnt bother me really. Iv just not had it thrown in my face like that before, so was a little shocked.
I did ask him about the pictures. He said they were from ages ago. Some of them were from a friend he has known from the net and were her holiday photos (that happen to contain pictures of her and her sister in bikinis!) and that he had transfered them from his laptop hard drive that had broken and he just hadn't gone through them yet.
So he knows whats been bothering me. He wa on his computer last night so i will ask if he deleted them.
Im still not quite satisfied.
I think i just dont want to address it because i dont want to create waves. He is a little insecure due to his marrige failure. I turned up in his life at a bad time(or maybe a good time, depends how you look at it). He was a little depressed so if he thinks i am snooping into him he may feel like it is his marriage again.
The porn thing doesnt bother me really. Iv just not had it thrown in my face like that before, so was a little shocked.
I did ask him about the pictures. He said they were from ages ago. Some of them were from a friend he has known from the net and were her holiday photos (that happen to contain pictures of her and her sister in bikinis!) and that he had transfered them from his laptop hard drive that had broken and he just hadn't gone through them yet.
So he knows whats been bothering me. He wa on his computer last night so i will ask if he deleted them.
Im still not quite satisfied.
I think i just dont want to address it because i dont want to create waves. He is a little insecure due to his marrige failure. I turned up in his life at a bad time(or maybe a good time, depends how you look at it). He was a little depressed so if he thinks i am snooping into him he may feel like it is his marriage again.
Stewart
Active Member
Not to take away from the thread for a minute, but I was more likely to mentally dress my English teacher. She was brutish.
To Catalyst, I would usually say don't worry about it. But if he can't talk about it, he's hiding something. Go with your own mind; only you have all the facts. Everyone else's advice is based on your own hearsay.
Stewart
Active Member
I was waiting on your reply....Its not as bad as i thought it would be
Eh? To both points!
He was married at 21 and, at 23, is now divorced (or at least, separated). His relationships were mostly sex based. He's retaining photographs of people he knows. He frequents chat rooms.
Read between the lines. To me that sounds like someone afraid of a bit of the old commitment. And, perhaps, talking about his feelings. Or doesn't like being in a relationship, but finds them comfortable. Then again, every person is different. (So you can't truly pigeonhole, Stewart.)