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Tales of Wisdom (hah!)

direstraits

direstraits

Well-Known Member
Please post tales that explain some of the mysteries of the universe. Such as, why men lie:

One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a
river, his axe fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and
asked, "Why are you crying?"

The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water, and he needed
the axe to make his living. The Lord went down in the water and
reappeared with a golden axe.

"Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
The woodcutter replied, "No."

The Lord again went down and came up with a silver axe. "Is this your
axe?" the Lord asked.
Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."

The Lord went down again and came up with an iron axe."Is this your
axe?" the Lord asked.
"Yes", he replied.

The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes
to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.

Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the
riverbank, and his wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord
again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"
"Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!"

The Lord went down into the water and came up with Angelina Jolie. "Is
this your wife?" the Lord asked.
"Yes," cried the woodcutter.

The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"

The woodcutter fell to his knees and cried, "Oh, forgive me, Lord. It is
misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Angelina Jolie, You
would have come up with Catherine Zeta-Jones. Then if I also said 'no' to her,
you would have come up with my wife. Had I then said 'yes,' you would
have given me all three. Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care
of all three wives, and I love my wife such that I don't want her to share
me with anyone, so THAT'S why I said yes to Angelina Jolie."

The moral of this story is:
Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and honorable reason, and for the
benefit of others.. MOSTLY his wife!

That's our story, and we're sticking to it..

ds
 
eyez0nme said:
Haha, no.

The most retarded joke I've ever heard, and also blasphemous against God.
Click to expand...
Hey, look at that, a personal attack from eyez0nme. I'm shocked beyond belief. (And yes, calling someone retarded is the Christian thing to do.)

Besides, that joke's not blasphemous. This might be.

Once there was a man who was an extremely devout Christian. He believed firmly in the power of prayer. If something bad happened, he prayed for help. If something good happened, he prayed in thanks. If he had to make a choice, he prayed for guidance. He prayed on behalf of his friends, his relatives, and people he met on the Internet.

Nevertheless, he had problems. He worked like a dog, yet he never had quite enough money to pay the bills and was deeply in debt. His wife was irritable and sickly and had been making him sleep on the couch since the late eighties. His college-age daughter was flunking half her classes and only called home when she wanted money, and his high school age son was flunking all his classes and spent a most of his time in his room smoking things that smelled odd.

One day the Christian got down on his knees and poured his heart out. "Oh Lord, You know that I'm devoted to You. I make time every single day for prayer. Yet my financial life's a mess, my marriage is a mess, my kids are a mess. My next-door neighbor is an atheist, and he has a great job, a lovely, devoted wife, and a daughter who's going to be class valedictorian. What's the deal here?"

And God spake, with a voice like thunder from the sky, and lo He did say, "Your neighbor doesn't bother me all the time."
 
I think both of those jokes were told in the spirit of humor. I'm a pretty religious Christian and I don't find either of them offensive. I've actually heard the first one before, but it was a fisherman's wife who was the hero(ine) of the story. The second one, I'd never heard before, and it made me laugh a lot.

eyes0nme, I don't know how you found it blaspehmous. There's not a single thing in the first one that could be seen as insulting to Chrisitans. The one beer good posted could be if you were very, very, very picky, but I seriously doubt anyone could pick on it.
 
Nothing blasphemous in DS's joke..Even God has a sense of humor..look at the duck-billed platypus..
Anyway, I don't think eyezonme is that worried about offending the Almighty..I think he's just trying to start a flamewar...If he wanted to discuss the nature of blasphemy or the ethics of posting religious jokes, we have a mature dicussions area just for that.

BTW- Beer Good's joke is not particuarly blasphemous either, IMHO..
 
abecedarian said:
I don't think eyezonme is that worried about offending the Almighty..I think he's just trying to start a flamewar
Click to expand...

As always. It really is getting quite pathetic at this point.

abecedarian said:
BTW- Beer Good's joke is not particuarly blasphemous either, IMHO..
Click to expand...

Oh, I agree. On a scale from Mother Theresa to Alesteir Crowley, it's... uh... A Naughty Choirboy, I suppose. I had half a mind to post something a lot worse. But there are people here I respect whom I don't want to insult even if I don't share their beliefs, so... At any rate, I thought it fit the purpose of the thread.
 
The Power of Prayer
A man is on his way to an important appointment.
He's running late, and is in desperate need of a parking space.
In despiration, he prays to God:
"Lord, please grant me a parking space.
I need one so bad right now.
If you grant me a parking space, why, I'll give up drinking, smoking and gambling, and I'll stop cheating on my wife. Plus I swear I'll go to Church each and every Sunday instead of my golf game. I'll do ANYTHING - PLEASE LORD!"

Just then, a parking space opens up right in front of him. He says to the Lord:
"Never mind - I found one myself."
 
LOL! Nice one, Libre.

abecedarian said:
Even God has a sense of humor..look at the duck-billed platypus..
Click to expand...

This made me spit out my soda. I will spend the next month or so searching for an opportunity to slide that comment into conversation. ^-^
 
eyez0nme said:
The most retarded joke I've ever heard, and also blasphemous against God.
Click to expand...
Haha! It is retarded isn't it? Couldn't come up with a better one, but hey, that teaches you why men lie.

Here, I learned that God also uses email:

God looked at earth and wanted to know what kind of behavior that was going on. He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check it out. So he called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time.
When he returned, he told God, "Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and 5% are not."
God thought for a moment and said, "Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion." So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time too.
When the angel returned he went to God and said, "Yes, it's true-the Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving and 5% are being good."
God was not pleased. So He decided to E-mail the 5% that were good, because He wanted to encourage them - to give them a little something to help them keep going.
Do you know what that E-mail said ?
No ???
You did not get one? Well, neither did I !!

ds
 
direstraits said:
Haha! It is retarded isn't it? Couldn't come up with a better one, but hey, that teaches you why men lie.

Here, I learned that God also uses email:

God looked at earth and wanted to know what kind of behavior that was going on. He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check it out. So he called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time.
When he returned, he told God, "Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and 5% are not."
God thought for a moment and said, "Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion." So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time too.
When the angel returned he went to God and said, "Yes, it's true-the Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving and 5% are being good."
God was not pleased. So He decided to E-mail the 5% that were good, because He wanted to encourage them - to give them a little something to help them keep going.
Do you know what that E-mail said ?
No ???
You did not get one? Well, neither did I !!

ds
Click to expand...


I even checked my greymail...guess mine got sent to the wrong place;)
 
eyez-Not everyone here has feelings as strong as eggshells. If abec. and others feel it isn't offensive, then I'm good with that. Your response was rude and uncalled for. If you don't like the post, PM the moderator. Otherwise, let it be for those who do enjoy it.
 
It is indeed the fluffy plush version of Cthulhu. He's ancient, he's unspeakably evil, he's cute. And he's currently wearing a Santa hat because he's about to visit all the kids who have been bad this year.
 
beer good said:
It is indeed the fluffy plush version of Cthulhu. He's ancient, he's unspeakably evil, he's cute. And he's currently wearing a Santa hat because he's about to visit all the kids who have been bad this year.
Click to expand...
Ah... Found it on Slashdot, did you? :)

I'd love to get one of those for someone's kid. "Lookie, lookie! Here's the ultimate incarnation of evil. You can cuddle it and hug it to sleep, but don't be like it, okay?"

Lovecraft will spin in his grave...

ds
 
direstraits said:
Ah... Found it on Slashdot, did you? :)
Click to expand...

Actually, no. I had never heard of plush Cthulhus until I stumbled across one at my local sci-fi bookstore and bought it. After that, I googled to find others... I'd like to have the Evil Elvis Cthulhu someday.

Apparently, there's a CD of Christmas songs with a Lovecraft theme including songs like "All I Want for Christmas Is My Sanity". Need to find that.
 
Speaking of life's mysteries, here's another one solved.

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves
did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the pre-Christmas pressure. Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that
three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where. Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered. So, frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he
accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas,
Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

~Author Unknown
 
beer good said:
It is indeed the fluffy plush version of Cthulhu. He's ancient, he's unspeakably evil, he's cute. And he's currently wearing a Santa hat because he's about to visit all the kids who have been bad this year.
Click to expand...
Hahaha...this is so disturbing but funny.

Also enjoyed the last story about the Christmas angel, especially since I'm reading about Vlad Tepes.
 
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