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The Bilgerat Critic

helgi

helgi

New Member
Ok. Let's get the formalities out of the way.....burp......belch.....barf

Now that that's done, listen, I gotta lay down sum ground rools. This is the thread were I write about films, and yous guys read about 'em. And I don't want any of yer input, so clam up!....burp! The whole reason I have my own thread is that I'm an expert, so if I lissen to any o' you people it could only make me dummer!
 
Braveheart

perhaps....belch.....one of the most objectionable......barf (excuse me)... movies I have ever seen is BRAVEHEART. Part of my objection is that I'm many parts scottish, and I think it's distasteful to see our history displayed as a vacuose period piece, and by that I don't mean a chic flic, nayther!

If I had wanted to see a bunch of rebels get teary eyed over sensible english intervention I could have watched Rob Roy....belch (pardon) Particularly....wheeze....objectionable is when the english offer the kings.....burp.....terms..... and the scottsmen raise their dresses at such a formidable peacekeeping army! But, the english send their arrows swift, and the roused rabble whine like uliean pipes!
...and well, that's all I really got to say about it....belch

and remember folks, it's not a film until Helgi's seen it!
 
sparkchaser said:
Seriously man, lay off the chronic. Or whatever it is you're on.
Click to expand...

this is one of many of your chronic responses to my posting! lay off!

And besides, no scottsmen was ever done in by a plant! And nobody asks a scottsman to put down his pipes, no do they?
 
Midnight Cowboy

Let's see if I can make it through a critique without barfing or belching...

Now, to be exact, Braveheart and Midnight Cowboy are both movies which I like, but which contain glaring faults within...uh.....oh no.....I think I'm gonna barf...wait for it.....no....I'm.... I'm good. Whew. I thought I was going to hurl there, for a second.

Now where was I? oh yes, the faults. I find that faults are the only cinematic organs that the critic should examine. So from time to time, it will sound like I hate a movie that I......grumble grumble.......whew......actually..... that I actually rather fancied. But rest...assured, this is only because I have only concerned myself with the flaws.

the repugnant subject of street smarts is...... made forward by.... the ....the.... psuedocharismatic Rizzo, who attaches himself like a ......like an affectionate leech, or manner of dog portending its leash to the Midnight Cowboy. A symbol of the....stark vanity of street hustlers,... is that these repugnat individuals insist upon....ooo..... wearing once fine clothes as they trapse about and mingle themselves among correct society, eh?.......eh.....Baaaarffff

uhhhggh....ladies and gentleman, I submit that a good breakfast will truly not be ignored! On that finition, I believe I have said enough on the object of poor Rizzo, and that my barfing expresses anything I may spared him by my forgetfullness. Until, next time, happy watching!

And remember folks, it's not a film till Helgi's seen it!
 
But I so like my Bilgerat Critic thread! It's funny! And socialy relevant and well situated. And I kindly assure that if my Bilgerat Critic thread lacks for anything, it is a grain of salt.
 
The Taking Of Pelham 123

You ever have a.......(excuse me)..... dream about a train goin' into a tunnel? Well, this is a movie about a subway train,......belch......which is always in a tunnel. I know this sounds like........>burp<.....like a bunch of psycho babble, but with all the psychos babbling in subways, the tongue does not offend the palette!
...ohOOooohh........burple....belch.....ohhh...I'm ok..don't worry......
A SUBWAY TRAIN IS HIGHJACKED!
Walter....Mathauewwehoweveryouspellit......is his usual self, unfettered by his high post as.....station master. His hair gleams of some waxxen substance seeming proper to his biology. His eyes, full of squinting purpose, as if always looking to the light at the end of the tunnel. Full of this..........belch.....purpose.......he.........oh god........he.....wheeze...........I feel like porky...the....friggin'... pig....

.....he contends with an english man by some antiquated com, and there is a great moment of.....exchange....as he listlessly lists his demands, in a dead pan sort of lost nobility.......the sort of.......presence......I myself convey.......in my writing....whew........oh god I think I'm gonna be sick!..........

.....oh geez....cough......oohhh agony!...belch......I would.......I would write more...........but I'm just about........to sit down to supper
 
What's New PussyCat?

The....belch....the ... film What's New Pussy Cat...whhooaaaaaaoooO OOOoo oaaaaAAA aaaooOOOOooooOhh..... is really...... oh jeez lucifer......is really top notch scotch in my book!

oh, jeex lucifer, let me say that again. The....the....the....film What's New Pussy Cat is really top notch scotch in my book, and shares a shelf
 
Clockwork Orange

this movie's a.......uhhhggg belch.......>snargle<... crime!.......

this....movie's.....oh jeez lucifer..... an example of.... four strong lads who always drank their milk. They were polite young men, and such consumate guests that they troubled to preceed their invitations, and would even go so far out of their way as to visit the country, and march into quaint country houses that made them wish to pay compliment....
...If there was no immediate civility, or ready way in, then they'd make up charming stories in order to gain entry under humorouse pretenses, so that they could pay compliment and remark upon the beauty of the household from within, having not been able to see as much from without,..... it being the dead of night......which was as it would be.
....they would remark upon the master's watches, and try them on for size. They'd bite the gold pieces and search the books and snooker table for tender. They'd crack the tables and smash the windows. They'd chase the wife and shoot the records! They'd light the stables and ride the horses!

ohh.....I forgot ......I forgot to bbbarrrfff
 
The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen

After seeing this movie I felt like I was in a league of my own.....belch.......
 
HeartBreakers

Sometimes the line...~puke~..... between chic flik and stag film is an utterly equatorial... gesture. This cursid putrid filmie is NOT to be suggested to polite society, but sure enough was once in the general public theatres. Now I see why they make them theatres so dark,.. it's to preserve the reputation of any folx who might have purchased their ticket by accident or some nice purpose....considering what horrid filmies they're willin' to show at us unsuspecting Christians.
...it was an obscene reverse of Dirty Rotten Scoundrels, where it was the women after the men folk instead of the other way around. Only it becomes plain that while Lawerence Jameson operated with mock civility, the women gypsy themselves in more compromising ways, bwuh ha!

....well no doubt,...barrrffff!!?!...... I couldn't finish me popcorn cause of this film, and I was niether inclined to eat any more popcorn for much time thereafter....burp...snargle........

And remember folx, it's not a film until Helgi's seen it!
 
CDA said:
Look, just what the hell is all this "burp......belch.....barf" crap all about?
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ehhhh...plain expressions of disgust that I expected you to be able to comprehend, einstein! Now why don't you make like an atom and split!
 
^ ^ ^ those are dependent expressions. You may like rubbish.

Now why don't you make like an atom and split, and go get a half life
 
And burps and belches aren't dependant expressions? In some cultures, they are seen as complimentary.

Yeah, yeah....I'll go make like an atom and split, as well. :rolleyes:
 
angerball said:
And burps and belches aren't dependant expressions? In some cultures, they are seen as complimentary.

Yeah, yeah....I'll go make like an atom and split, as well. :rolleyes:
Click to expand...

and you have my compliments, angerball.

huh, it looks like I've started a chain reaction. But you're still in split second place, angerball.
 
helgi said:
^ ^ ^ those are dependent expressions. You may like rubbish.

Now why don't you make like an atom and split, and go get a half life
Click to expand...

What are you on about? Everyone knows what 'rubbish' and 'crap' means if you're talking about a film or a book.
 
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