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The Blundering Captain

helgi

helgi

New Member
----"What a cruel Captain you are! I will not sail with such as you!"
----"Too late, we have already set sail! So you will have to swim to shore in proper disgrace, whatever you may chose!"
At this Miss Hello stole upon the Captain's sword and dared to swing at him, but the Captain swiftly leapt through the open window to escape her! And yet, as Miss Hello looked down at the floor she saw that she had managed to cleave the formidable blonde mustache off her Captain's face, and it remianed upon the floor in it's entirety! She fell back laughing upon her bed, and verily heard the Captain call angrily from behind the door.
----"Dinner's at sundown! I'll be wanting my sword back!"~~~

As Captain Crecy saw to his ship, one by one the crew began to notice that his great mustache was missing, and little by little the more brusk sailors began to summon the courage to ask him what had happened. At this, the Captain's reaction was most unexptected and he started to laugh, leaping upon a barrel and calling for all of the crew to gather around!
---"Listen you lot! I lost my mustache the only way a Captain ever loses it! From kissing a woman with such repetition that before long her mouth was full of hair! I so excited her that many of her kisses failed to land upon my lips, and in such a way did my mustache little by little find itself gone from my face! Hahaha! Now clean up this ship before sundown! We've got a damn woman on board and we're gonna behave like gentlemen for her!"
The crew laughed well and did as the Captain said, for they thought him to be the most brilliant man ever born! The Captain clapped his hands as they worked and sang many songs of yore.
When sundown arrived, Miss Hello wandered timidly out from her cabin, making her way along the walkway. Verily, she found a great wooden table set out upon the main deck complete with candles and two great benches filled with rowdy sailors! There were two chairs proper to gentle folk, one at either end of the great table. One was empty, and in the other sat Captain Crecy, twisting his great blonde mustache which had grown back in the few hours that had transpired since it had been shorn from his face! Miss Hello looked upon this in amazement, stunned by the manly forces that must have brought forth such a mustache so quickly! Verily, Miss Hello took her seat, not knowing how to comport herself otherwise under the Captain's watchful eyes.
As she took her seat, Captain Crecy leapt upon the table with great cunning and strength.
----"Ha! See how my mustache has returned in the short space that we were apart!"
The crew lifted their flasks to applaud their great Captain as he danced upon the table and cracked many a plate beneath his boots! He then came to stand proudly before Miss Hello, bragging over his assumed victory.
----"You blokes did not see, but when me and Miss Hello were alone she kissed the very mustache from my face! I have never seen such passion in a woman before!"
Miss Hello rose at her place and protested, pulling out from her pocket the shorn mustache that had fallen in its familiar shape from a single swipe of the sword. She held it before the crew for all to see!
----"Not so! I never did and never would kiss your Captain! Rather, I chopped his mustache from his face for his foul manners! Why else would his mustache remain in its proper shape, if not for that it was shorn prescicely by the blade! And here, I have his sword as well! How do you think I came to have it? I stole it from his belt to defend my honor!"
Captain Crecy laughed well at this, and further decieved his crew.
----"Ha! The fact that my former mustache remains in proper form is that it was removed by one single kiss from that woman! Then she had the theatrics to smile at me like a cat with a bird in its mouth! I only allowed her to keep my mustache as a souveneir of our love making! And so great was our love making that a second souveneir, my sword, seemed fitting. And yet she bends all these truths to her advantage, and she would wish to decieve you all!"
At this the crew was joyful and rose their flasks, for whether they believed their Captain or Miss Hello, they were pleased by the cunningness with which the two spoke, and all aboard felt themselves to be a volume wiser in the ways of seduction!~~~
 
This is written in a style that's been out of date for a century. If you mean it to be that way, so be it, just commenting. Exclamation points for nearly every sentence is a bit much, don't you think? I had a problem with "as you chose" (should be choose) and "stole upon the captain's sword, which doesn't make sense.

I'm guessing this is supposed to be over-the-top satire, ala the latest pirate movies, but that's very difficult to write. Even in a movie, where we have the visual cues from the actors' faces and actions, most farces fail at the box office.

Anyway, this did not work for me. It is worth a rewrite, however, if you can lose some of the bombastic dialogue and make everything a bit more subtle.

Hope that helps.

Take care,

JohnB
 
I think farce and contrived dialogue are the proper ideals for literature, however it might fare at your office!
 
Chapter II.

Chapter II.

After the feast, Mrs. Hello was escorted back to her cabin with no remarkable incident, which was nearly remarkable, for the eyes of the crew and the captain were always upon her.

That night, Miss Hello was made restless by the faint sound of footsteps. And verily, her curiosity got the better of her, and she snuck along the moonlit walkway to see what was about. What she saw was a strange tribute to her curiosity, for she perceived none other than her own captain standing naked in the moonlight. Her Captain did not notice her but stood looking up at the moon, twiddling his mustache with his nose and pacing back and forth beneath the starry sky. He kept his hands behind his back in a manner of lordly dignity, as if he imagined that he still wore his fine captain's garments. And indeed, he was still wearing at his side his sword and belt. All in all, Miss Hello had to try to keep from laughing as she spied upon the naked captain from behind a barrel.

Verily, after some time, the captain cleared his throat and asked,

----"Miss Hello? Is that you hiding there behind that barrel?" Miss Hello blushed and ducked, not knowing what to do! But she soon decided it was pointless to hide in the shadows and so she came out to face the captain squarely. She said,

----"What on earth are you doing? And I do mean to say, why are you naked?"

----"Well, it's really very nice out here under the stars and the moon. I always come out here on nights like this. It helps me think, perhaps. And I can only assume that all good captains do this as well. It really clears the head."
Miss Hello laughed well at the Captain as he stood there, and she admired this habbit he kept. She thought that, perhaps, if any man could dissuade her from her natural virtue, it was he, for he was like no man she had ever met. She felt that perhaps he was a great man, even though he was clearly a tremendous fool.
Verily, the captain spoke,

----"Why not join me? This really is wonderful. And you have my solemn word as a Captain of the sea that I will not look at you."

But already Miss Hello had stepped from her gown, and she stood behind her Captain who politely continued to gaze upwards upon the stars.

----"This IS nice. But really, Captain... I really wouldn't mind if you looked at me. I mean, what does it matter?"

----"Are you sure you wouldn't be shy? I don't want to ruin your night any further than I already have, for I feel as if I've already caused you enough trouble with that singular business about the mustache."

----"No, it's all forgotten. But don't feel as if I am ASKING you to look upon me. I only mean that as you look upwards upon the stars and down upon the ship, don't concern yourself that you might for a moment look upon me as your eyes seek out their other objects of interest upon which they first intended to rest."

At this Captain Crecy turned directly around to look at her, and a great wide smile appeared upon his face! Miss Hello was affronted quite by this strange regard. But indeed, she was the type of woman that felt a joyful debt owed to the likes of Captains and Generals, especially when riding upon their ships. But this was a strange Captain, so unlike the Generals and militants who Miss Hello had seen march by in parades. This Captain Crecy was in some way beyond all belief.

But this mattered not, for she afforded her captain a kiss. When she backed away, Captain Crecy could see that she had indeed kissed the mustache from his face! The Captain exclaimed,

----"Gad! On a voyage such as this one I shall not have to shave!" Miss Hello smiled like a cat with a bird in its mouth, for the mustache was still in its proper form. She took it out and returned it to the Captain, saying

----"Then perhaps I am making a clean shaven gentleman out of you?"

Miss Hello returned to her quarters, leaving the Captain to pace the deck with much to think over.
 
WriterJohnB said:
This is written in a style that's been out of date for a century. If you mean it to be that way, so be it, just commenting. Exclamation points for nearly every sentence is a bit much, don't you think? I had a problem with "as you chose" (should be choose) and "stole upon the captain's sword, which doesn't make sense.

I'm guessing this is supposed to be over-the-top satire, ala the latest pirate movies, but that's very difficult to write. Even in a movie, where we have the visual cues from the actors' faces and actions, most farces fail at the box office.

Anyway, this did not work for me. It is worth a rewrite, however, if you can lose some of the bombastic dialogue and make everything a bit more subtle.

Hope that helps.

Take care,

JohnB
Click to expand...

Fawlty Towers and Seinfeld are good examples of successful farces, which needn't be at the boxoffice. I haven't seen the pirate movies, by the way.
Farce upon the screen is not a definite advantage, because although you have said there are facial cues, to be able to refer back is proper to what is printed, and conducive to farce. Farce can do well on or off the screen.
...As for exageration in dialogue, Shakespeare's dialogue possessed a great deal of exaggeration. So exaggeration in dialogue is not historically a signal of fault.
...Anyway, your critique didn't work for me, and I didn't even offer it the job! But it may be worth a rewrite.
 
Chapter III.

Chapter III.

Mrs. Hello awoke to the unmistakable sounds of battle, and she rose in a right sweat from a tremendous heat. She could not remain in her cabin, but had to see for herself what manner of hell was raging out on the ship. Though it was not yet morning for an hour to come, Miss Hello stepped out to see that the entire ocean lit by a nearby galleon that blazed in its last moments.

Captain Crecy stood in full dress upon a cannon that pointed past the damned foe and towards a formidable vessel that was cutting the waves in a parallel effort to engage. The Captain seemed possessed by a great madness as he swung his sword, composing orders in lofty and near forgotten modes of dialect, which only his brutish crew could have deciphered by their so long having been subject to their captain.

In a singular moment of danger, a cannon ball shot out from the enemy ship and nearly knocked the captain from his perch. But the captain had verily spit upon the projectile as it sailed past, and his cannoneer witnessed the small cloud of steam that remained hovering as a proof of the captain’s devilish aim.

Verily, one of the cannoneers begged for Captain Crecy to depart from atop the cannon before the enemy cannons could get a better shot. Crecy became wide eyed and brandished his sword most highly.

“Cannon’s? What cannons? I am much too busy supplying the world with formidable histories to more than glance at a sensible page of hitherto! If your concern is well meant, and you wish at all for me to survive this assault upon our blessed ship, then fire this cannon I stand upon! I will only know of your good will when you have fired some ten shots at that monsterous ship that is quick arriving! But it is useless to expect for me to govern our efforts from a less daring vantage! Or would you have me exchange places with the wooden lady who graces the front of our ship?!”

And indeed, although none aboard would know it for many days, the carven lady of fortune had already been blown off the front of the ship by a cannon ball, and so there was indeed such a situation vacant upon the vessel!

Miss Hello had by now ducked behind a barrel, wishing that she had not been so quick to venture forth from her cabin. But it was with some compromise to her safety that she craned her neck over the barrel to look upon her captain, for she feared these would be his last moments, for the blade that he brandished caught a damnating lot of light, and the enemy surely knew his post as disparred shots whistled past the great feathers in his hat, which was itself a proud Napoleanic specimen that should have been knocked off by now, it being so far into battle.

Each time as the cannon was pulled in to be charged anew, the captain would not depart from it, but cleverly leapt over the interruption caused by the ship’s edge, and landed expertly upon the cannon in its new relation to the rail.

Miss Hello began to fear that even if the captain was indeed by some charity graced by God to survive all assailing discharge, that he would soon leap amiss, and drop like a flightless bird to be tossed along the side of the ship until the jealous waves took him out into open sea. But she dared not make any summons from her spot, for she saw that his men were having no luck entreating him to come down from the cannon, and they soon went back to their proper positions to keep up the fight.

Verily, the enemy ship dared to sidle, and the cannons were at such a close mark that the captain was perhaps only able to survive by some duress that he gave to their cannoneers with his pistol. But before any other man was able to leap across or ferry aboard, it was Captain Crecy who made the first transgression, and he leapt from the tip of his cannon to land upon the across cannon of the aggressor, cutting the fuse to halt a shot that would have surely sunk his ship. Crecy’s men soon followed him aboard, and they had the better of it against their foes, until they finally discovered a well known Captain Kitchener hiding in a pile of nets like an unsung catch. Captain Crecy turned to his men and made them wise.

“You see why the vantage of a captain imports us? If I had ducked into a barrel this cowardly fellow would now be discovering me.”

Verily they sent Kitchener off to sail his ship alone, for his surviving shipmates had all spirited their escape upon a fair-weather raft.
 
Verily, Forsooth and B'god! (Not to mention Begorrah!) How dare I suggest that this farce is not of the level of Shakespeare or Seinfeld?
I verily lower my head in abject humility! Thou carryest on, into the breach, naked with a sword belt about thy mizzen. I verily spit on thy cannonballs as as they sail past! AARGH!

I bow to thine literative mastery and will never bother to read thy missives again!

JohnB
 
"$6 for the greatest novel ever written. Pales in no comparison. Rival of nature herself. Fine for those who like violence and the unknown. And priced with compasion at only $6."

Egads, forgive me, Lord! How dare I offer constructive criticism to an author who "Pales in no comparison?" I myself am insignificant when not compared to anything! Thou hast written the greatest novel ever written! Mea Culpa! Be compasionate with me for being so verily bold.

JohnB
 
WriterJohnB said:
Verily, Forsooth and B'god! (Not to mention Begorrah!) How dare I suggest that this farce is not of the level of Shakespeare or Seinfeld?
I verily lower my head in abject humility! Thou carryest on, into the breach, naked with a sword belt about thy mizzen. I verily spit on thy cannonballs as as they sail past! AARGH!

I bow to thine literative mastery and will never bother to read thy missives again!

JohnB
Click to expand...

A critique to the end, and bothering to be self dissmissive. You will not be missed from my diservice! And as for your lowered, abject head, it never should have surfaced!
 
WriterJohnB said:
"$6 for the greatest novel ever written. Pales in no comparison. Rival of nature herself. Fine for those who like violence and the unknown. And priced with compasion at only $6."

Egads, forgive me, Lord! How dare I offer constructive criticism to an author who "Pales in no comparison?" I myself am insignificant when not compared to anything! Thou hast written the greatest novel ever written! Mea Culpa! Be compasionate with me for being so verily bold.

JohnB
Click to expand...

who said your criticism was constructive? And I don't pale in any comparison, in fact you are making me blush!
(if my avatar were any indication, I would pale once in a blue moon and I would blush purple)
 
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