Verity

[AaronShaw]

Hi,

I've been a registered user and luker for some time now. I have posted a few times though!

Anyway, I just completed a short film script entitled "Verity." I'm hoping this is the right place for this post!

I could use some suggestions for improvement. I also need to work in the phrase "did you have a good time?" but cannot seem to find an appropriate place to do so (short film contest rules). I worked in a variant but it's not close enough to the original phrase and quite honestly it doesn't fit with the rest of the story. Any suggestions would be most appreciated.

I have the script available in PDF format only, at the moment, but would be happy to provide a version in RTF or TXT if requested. Thanks!

http://www.weet.us/verity.pdf

 

[novella]

Gee, Aaron, this is really short. Is it an exercise of some kind?

Two comments:

1) it's a bit Ghost-of-Christmas-Furture-ish, or like Obi Wan Kenobi doing a 4WD car commercial. I'm just waiting for the punch line. (see comment 2a below.)

2) I would definitely not have the guy smile in the final scene. It sort of trivializes the struggle, if there is one. I mean, doesn't freedom have its own complexities and difficulties?

If he must smile, he could also turn to the camera and ask that question: Did you have a good time?, breaking the fourth wall, as it were. But that is a bit too Woody Allen-ish, isn't it? You'd have to give him a more nebbish personality in general, and then it would become crassly comedic.

If I missed the mark totally, not to worry. That's the allegorical territory, isn't it?

 

[AaronShaw]

Yeah basically it's just a short exercise. It's actually meant to be entered into a short film contest and has to be under the five minute mark. Usually, a page takes a minute or so of actual on screen time so I'm sitting about the right place I think.

Yeah that's pretty much correct. No need for him to smile. I played around with those final few shots numerous times but haven't quite gotten it "right" yet. My goal wasn't comedy so I want to steer away from that area if possible.

If I leave the prisoner with "staring into the sunset" or similar it seems to bring up the question "was the effort worth it?" though I suppose the sunset in and of itself could be a much more subtle and meaningful answer to that question.

I'm sort of in the stage where lots of ideas are flying around in my head but I can't quite get them to solidify correctly yet. Thanks for the comments. I appreciate it!

 

[novella]

Okay, what you've said here makes things clearer.

The piece is completely free of dialogue--in the conventional two-person sense--so that makes it nearly impossible to insert that line without comedic effect, e.g., his mother appearing in the puddle and asking the question.

If it is a definitely requirement of the exercise to include the line, then I would incorporate some dialogue. The piece does have a sort of koan effect (there's a little thread about that idea somewhere) which you wouldn't want to spoil with chat, but you could incorporate a sort of Socratic exchange.

Do you know what I mean? I can go further . . .

Also, I'm thinking the one-minute per page rule is true of scenes with dialogue, but a lot of this is fairly steady movement and scene setting, so it might move more quickly.

 

[AaronShaw]

True, it might indeed end up running shorter than 1min per page. When breaking it down into a rough storyboard though there seemed to be plenty to do (there are a lot more setups and camera angles, as storyboarded now, than actual text on the page). I don't mind lengthening it at all. I just don't want to fall into the trap of lengthening it just for lengths sake. Tends to produce bad scripts .

I'm not familiar with the "koan effect", at least not by that name. I'll have to poke around a bit and see if I can't find the thread you mention.

I completely understand what you mean by Socratic exchange. I've read Socrates and Plato in their original greek forms so I have a decent feel for the idea. In fact, it was Plato's "Allegory of the Cave" which was the main inspiration for the script (though it has gone it's own direction and only a small resemblance to the original allegory still exists). Do you have any specific ideas on implementation? It just sounded like you might.

 

[novella]

Okay, what I mean by the koan effect is that what you are driving at isn't explicitly stated, but lies between the images you are showing. I know that sounds dumbassed said like that; let me try again.

The 'message' of the piece is something that you think of, given the inexplicable sequence of events. A zen koan has an empty middle, between contradictory ideas or images, which is meant to clear your mind of specific answer-seeking. It's something that I think literature, poetry, and some film can do sometimes.

So I'm reading this piece and feel the empty middle, which is the question, what motivated this transformation, is it real, what does it mean?

It seems like if you want to stay in that mood and even go further with it, a question/question/question/question dialogue might work, or even a question/cryptic answer/question/question. In other words, the cloaked figure, being the Socratic master, poses a problem or a question, which opens the dialogue of teaching by asking rather than telling.

I get that the various human manifestations are aspects of one self, but there's no indication of why, so that might be a starting point.

Also, why the name Verity? I know it means truth, but it is also a girl's name, so when I saw the title, I thought it would be about a girl. What about Veritas?

 

[AaronShaw]

Thanks for the explanation . Very well put! I also just dug up the thread you were talking about. Seems to have some interesting stuff! I'll have to read through it when I get a chance to sit down and really ponder.

I get that the various human manifestations are aspects of one self, but there's no indication of why, so that might be a starting point.

Yes! There we have it! I felt that something was missing and I believe you just hit upon it. Interesting. I'll have to sit down and ponder this before I go back and touch the script.

Veritas is a great suggestion. Should have thought of that! Thanks .

It's something that I think literature, poetry, and some film can do sometimes.

Yes I see what you mean. I've always been more of a writer at heart than a "movie maker." So many "movies" out there really suck! Even most hollywood movies! What I like about the film medium is that you can express so much without saying anything. Images are very powerful if used properly. It gives my writing another dimension to seep into if you know what I mean.

 

[novella]

Yes! Strongly visual writing is very powerful, really bringing you into a world.

But, IMO, the 'action' of thoughtful screenwriting is in the dialogue. That's where characters are shown and their changes are revealed.

BTW, Aaron, you're a good sport.

 

[AaronShaw]

Mmm yes, very true. For this piece I feel that minimal dialogue is the best way to go. Actions speak louder than words in some instances (not all).

Thanks for the help!

 

[sirmyk]

I have written a few scripts in my time; this isn't half bad. Without dialogue, this script would run about the length of a movie trailer--rougly one to one and a half minutes in length--unless each scene drags out. Good stuff here, and good luck.

 

[AaronShaw]

Hi sirmyk. Thanks for the nice comments . It's certainly not superb writing, but I hope it gets the job done.

Anyway, I went out and shot part of the script. Some random screen caps are below (including effects shots, terrain enhancement etc):

[Note the particularily bad greenscreen setup. We managed to get some great results notwithstanding though. I still need to clean up some of the green spill though]

[yes, these are all not quite the same shape. Bad cropping for ouput to still frames I'm afraid - some resized smaller some not as I had originally set them up for different layouts on another site]

Just in case anyone was curious . I can post the final when it's completely done. About 50% of it was shot in front of a green screen. The rough cut is just over 5 minutes but will be a bit less when edited for momentum etc.

 

[sirmyk]

Filming

Definitely fill us in with the final cut. The images look great. And good luck with the green screens.