Agony Abu

[Stewart]

Agony Abu? :/ Should there not be an Uncle in there somewhere?

Abu is transliterated Arabic for Father. Ergo the additional monicker of Uncle would be confusing.

I have a terrible dilemma.

Speak child...

I'm dressing up as a fairy at the weekend, and I simply cannot decide what colour shoes to wear. Now, my fairy dress is pink, as are my wings. Shall I wear pink shoes too, or maybe white, or maybe silver?

While pink would be the obvious choice to create a monotone ensemble, experience tells me that fairies should adopt a piebald colour scheme when going out and performing fairy duties. The mildest therapy I can suggest is to pick a pair of shoes with a pastel hue - a quiet purple or light cyan will most certainly do the trick. Beware though as the minimal contrast will be detectable to the fairy rules - Oberon, I believe, has a sharp eye for fashion. Therefore you should complement the purple or cyan shoes with an equally coloured upper garment. A scarf perhaps, or a sash across your breast. A hat in the same vane would be too extreme and would create a polar effect of pastel and pink that you should, at all costs, avoid.

I'm sure you can appreciate how much anxiety this is causing me. At this rate I'm going to have bags under my eyes big enough to carry my weekly shopping home in, from lack of sleep.

I know, I know. This is a hard thing to be going through but the retail therapy involved in selecting the shoes means that the bags you do get under your eyes can be filled with new footwear. And once on your feet the bags can be dispersed and you'll be able to sleep easy.

Sleep tight, Freya.

 

[Stewart]

The voices in my head are still telling me to burn stuff, is this normal?

There are two types of voices in a person's head: the optimistic conscience and its polar opposite; the pessimistic.

While its normal to have voices within one's head, they should always opt for the moral highground and relegate the pessimistic conscience to thought alone. The optimistic voice should be obeyed.

For example, if the pessimistic conscience commands you to burn your favourite books then you should not, in any way, heed this insanity. If its opposite speaks to you (maybe asking you to burn your Boyzone vinyl collection) then you should accept this.

What should I do about my voices?

Nurture them. Get to know them.

 

[Wabbit]

Thank you Abu! Me and my voices will be so much more happy now we can get along together!

 

[Stewart]

My shower keeps throwing things at me. Does it not like me?

If it's throwing a towel at you then I can understand.

It's not that it doesn't like you but it is because you are forcing it to spit out cold water on a daily basis. Showers are lesser beings to humans and can't be conditioned by the same principle as Pavlov's dog. Every time you run cold water through it, the shower suffers a "knee-jerk" reaction which manifests itself in the shower picking up the nearest object and hurling it at you.

And what can I do to improve our relationship

Don't turn on the cold water, start with a lukewarm spray. This will ease its inorganic muscles and will make way for a more relaxing wash.

A word of warning though: with the new found ease of slipping into the shower don't get carried away and do what some perverts do.

 

[Stewart]

Penguins are ruining my life! They play the television all night, order stuff off of the infomercials, and are costing me a fortune in Red Bull and car wax.

Ah! The old penguin problem. Irene, you are definitely not alone in this predicament.

Too many people see penguins and believe them to be the "must have" of domesticated animals. Truth be told, though, the penguin - notably the Emperor penguin - is not a creature for any domicile. Unlike cats (who think they own the place) penguins actually are more intelligent and can, eventually, own the place.

There are, though, a few tricks to stem the tide of penguin anti-social behaviour in the homestead. With the television problem, you can simply unlug the television set. Contrary to popular belief penguins don't actually have fingers or hands so can't pick up the plug and reinsert it.

With the lack of television they will no longer be tempted to purchase infomercial products although they can still dial in pizza and other ready made comestibles. Penguins prefer fish in their diet and when they discover that Dominos Pizza only offers tiny anchovies on a pizza they will not be interested. In fact, nine out of ten times, penguins have been known to lose their appetite completely. This is also a bonus when it comes to the consumption of Red Bull - they just won't want any. With no television and no appetite they have no reason to stay up all night.

Which leaves only the problem with the car wax. Penguins are notorious friends of turtles; just tell them where the car wax really comes from and they'll boycott the product leaving you with a healthy bank balance and a house full of more sociable and respectable penguins.

 

[Stewart]

I had horroble and unreasonable fear of those elder knowledgable men figures. I knew it was silly. I tended to be fearful in front of them.

You speak in the past tense therefore I can only conclude that your predicament has already been cured by some shaman or other.

 

[Stewart]

Monty, the new baby bunny, keeps sitting in puddles of her own wee. Will she grow out of this or is she just addicted to sponge baths?

A considerable number of children across the world make pets of alcoholic rabbits - the type who consume amazing amounts of booze, leer at the underage girl bunnies, and sit about in puddles of their piss.

Unfortunately Monty won't grow out of this but, on the plus side, since the rabbit is newborn it will grow. As it grows the surface area of the rabbit will eventually cover any size of rabbit pee puddle and, in the heat made by extra body mass, the urine will dry quicker meaning that she won't be sitting in her own wee at all.

I very much doubt that the rabbit is addicted to sponge baths. Just watersports.

 

[Crystal]

You speak in the past tense therefore I can only conclude that your predicament has already been cured by some shaman or other.

Thank you, Abu, not for the answer, but for the lesson of the past tense.

 

[Irene Wilde]

Ah! The old penguin problem. Irene, you are definitely not alone in this predicament.

Too many people see penguins and believe them to be the "must have" of domesticated animals. Truth be told, though, the penguin - notably the Emperor penguin - is not a creature for any domicile. Unlike cats (who think they own the place) penguins actually are more intelligent and can, eventually, own the place.

There are, though, a few tricks to stem the tide of penguin anti-social behaviour in the homestead. With the television problem, you can simply unlug the television set. Contrary to popular belief penguins don't actually have fingers or hands so can't pick up the plug and reinsert it.

With the lack of television they will no longer be tempted to purchase infomercial products although they can still dial in pizza and other ready made comestibles. Penguins prefer fish in their diet and when they discover that Dominos Pizza only offers tiny anchovies on a pizza they will not be interested. In fact, nine out of ten times, penguins have been known to lose their appetite completely. This is also a bonus when it comes to the consumption of Red Bull - they just won't want any. With no television and no appetite they have no reason to stay up all night.

Which leaves only the problem with the car wax. Penguins are notorious friends of turtles; just tell them where the car wax really comes from and they'll boycott the product leaving you with a healthy bank balance and a house full of more sociable and respectable penguins.

You obviously lack first-hand penguin experience! Having lived with hundreds of them for some many years now (ever since they first climbed out of the walls of my cubicle at work during a server crash) they have come to appreciate all the finer qualities of life in the United States -- late night cable TV, Hohos, Red Bull, 1-900 numbers (naughty penguins!), and a strong sense of entitlement. If I deny them their TV then they are making a racket and rousing my hard-working neighbors at all hours, and if that doesn't work, they start chewing on my dial-up connection. Only Cyril retains his fondness for fish (but then he also has a fondness for Martha Stewart); Dingdong has eaten nothing but Twinkies ever since he was released from the Falkland Islands relocation camp, and Buffin is now only eating whatever his ferret girlfriend eats (mostly tofu, I think), except when he begs me to smuggle him the odd Mars bar.

I do appreciate your efforts in this matter. I never realized I wasn't alone in living with problematic penguins.

Irene Wilde

 

[Thea]

I can't stop reading!

 

[Martin]

You failed to answer my question.

Cheers

 

[Stewart]

You failed to answer my question.

Patience child, Agony Abu is busy sorting through his mail bag.

 

[warm_enema]

I have peanut M&M's stuck in each nostril--if it helps, one is blue and the other is green--and I can't breath through my nose. I cannot blow them out, not enough room to gather sufficent force. These are my last M&M's and I'm still hungry.

 

[Sapper41]

Abu it's been a few seconds since my last post. Father I am having trouble finding the "G" spot. can you help me? Oh, and when I find it what do I do?

 

[Wabbit]

Dear Abu! There is a rip in space and time in one of my socks. It is causing all kinds of temporal and spatial havok! Also, my pet moose is very afraid and has wet himself. What shall I do about all this???

 

[mr_michel]

dear agony abu, a pirate has been hijacking my last thread, (even so its a very very sexy and goodlooking one and wouldnt mind being chained by her ), the optimistic voice in my head told me i should try to reasoning with her, but in the other hand, the pesimistic voice in my head tells me that pirates dont understand, thats why they have sporks.
what should i do, call the british armada, or start sharpening my sporks?

 

[Litany]

Dear Agony Abu, some miscreant is spreading vile rumours of my activities and casting slurs upon my good and piratey name. He threatens me with violence at the hands of the Armada, which of course I do not fear as I am a strong and voluptuous pirate wench with a sharp spork and a lusty parrot.

I find this behaviour intolerable. Should I keel haul him now, or save his punishment till next Thursday when my new stock of rabid tigers arrive?

 

[mr_michel]

from now on ill pay attention to the pesimistic voice in my head