Beach Music, a poem

[Acolyte]

I'm always looking for constuctive feedback on my poetry--only with criticism can I improve, and I won't get offended even if you have something negative to say (though pointing out the good parts, assuming there are any, is also cool and helpful). Here's one I wrote recently. I appreciate any help!

Beach Music
Ross Shingledecker
3/23/05

If the wind no longer calls to you,
it is time to see if you have forgotten your name.

The thrill of cool, inconstant breeze,
ruffling my sun-bleached hair
eddying about my naked frame
—here I have discovered all anew.

The breaths of angels’ sighs
set the clouds to dance:
a dragon that becomes a dove,
an open palm and a crown of stars.
I do not know, yet I understand;
celestial voices teach unconscious truths.

At their behest, I too dance
bare feet imprinting upon the sand.
No steps but at the zephyr’s urgings
no beat but with the tugging wind
no chorus but my primal voice
calling to the starry night.

Once I inhale the salty air,
I taste their answering cry.
Booming surf has brought me here
not only to observe a wanton revel
but to teach me this, the oldest dance.

I take in the vital forces of the night:
my soul is nourished, my core refreshed,
my limbs no longer weary and desiring rest.

 

[Eugen]

Lovely, Acolyte - is your name Ross? I'm not the greatest on poems, structure and blah de blah, but Beach Music stood out for me. Interesting writing. Sharp too - no wasted words... Are you published?

 

[Acolyte]

Yes, my name's Ross (this poem was, in fact, written by me *grin*). Acolyte is usually my online handle, so people might recognize me from other forums on a variety of topics--but I usually put up poetry under my real name, as it's a bit more personal in nature.

Thanks for the praise, and I consider "no wasted words" to be very high praise indeed. Hemmingway (at least, I think it was him) once said something to the effect that if you could remove a single word from any of his novels without changing the meaning of the sentence, you were a better writer than he was. And in poems and short stories, where you have so many fewer words to use, chosing words carefully is in my opinion even more important. Thanks.

As for publishing, not ever in anything major--once in a religious periodical, a few times on e-zines, but that's about it. I don't write all that often, and rarely is it any good (this is I think one of my better poems), so I've never really sought it overmuch. Think I should?

But thanks for commenting! Anyone else?

 

[honeydevil]

If the wind no longer calls to you,
it is time to see if you have forgotten your name.

i really like this first two lines, they have, i don't know, something personal to them, and now to the rest, but before that, i want you to know, i'm not a writer, i suck in english, have an opinion to everything and in the whole people think i mostly suck, so if anything i say, makes no sense, don't bother to understand!! it's not important

The thrill of cool, inconstant breeze,
ruffling my sun-bleached hair
eddying about my naked frame
—here I have discovered all anew.

The breaths of angels’ sighs
set the clouds to dance:
a dragon that becomes a dove,
an open palm and a crown of stars.
I do not know, yet I understand;
celestial voices teach unconscious truths.

--i think that is my favorite verse, it is strong in words and gives you (me) a picture i can't get out of my mind, i love it that you brought something overnatural in there (the angels), it makes it a kind of mystical...--

At their behest, I too dance
bare feet imprinting upon the sand.
No steps but at the zephyr’s urgings
no beat but with the tugging wind
no chorus but my primal voice
calling to the starry night.

-- i like it but i have a unknown problem with the first line, who is their and who else is dancing??--

Once I inhale the salty air,
I taste their answering cry.
Booming surf has brought me here
not only to observe a wanton revel
but to teach me this, the oldest dance.

I take in the vital forces of the night:
my soul is nourished, my core refreshed,
my limbs no longer weary and desiring rest.

--strange, strange ... i would put instead of limbs something like bones, muscles or body..., don't ask me why...--

that's it from me and i hope i didn't do too much damage to your lovely poem!!

 

[Acolyte]

i really like this first two lines, they have, i don't know, something personal to them, and now to the rest, but before that, i want you to know, i'm not a writer, i suck in english, have an opinion to everything and in the whole people think i mostly suck, so if anything i say, makes no sense, don't bother to understand!! it's not important

The first two lines are very close to something I read a long long time ago...I don't remember what from, or how the original went, but it was so powerful that more than 10 years from that day I still remembered its meaning. I think it was a Native American saying, but I can't be sure. As for not being a writer, that really doesn't make any difference--poems are designed (at least in my case) not only as a form of self-expression, but a way to express something to other people, be they English professors or mental zombies. Everyone's got a natural response to a poem that they sit down and read, and if that response is kinda what I meant, then I win and you win, and if that response isn't, I might not have communicated effectively but you still drew something from the work--which is one of the cool things about poetry. So don't apologize, and thanks for commenting.

--i think that is my favorite verse, it is strong in words and gives you (me) a picture i can't get out of my mind, i love it that you brought something overnatural in there (the angels), it makes it a kind of mystical...--

Well I'm glad--I have a personal attachment to clouds and I love all the imagery that can be drawn with them, and as for the angels, nothing as beautiful as the weather on the writing date could have come from a mundane source.

-- i like it but i have a unknown problem with the first line, who is their and who else is dancing??--

"Their" would be the "celestial voices" in the preceeding line, and the "clouds" are also dancing, as per a line in the preceeding stanza. My original version of this poem had a lot of pronoun confusion, and I removed nearly all of them to clarify things--is that still a problem?

--strange, strange ... i would put instead of limbs something like bones, muscles or body..., don't ask me why...--

I'm not sure why, but the weariness of limbs, even when the mind is alert, is a very enfeebling condition...it's like when you work outside in the yard all day, then come inside and even though you aren't going to go to bed for another few hours, your body's too tired to do anything productive. Dancing and wind relieve that for me very much so, which I tried to incorporate into the poem.

that's it from me and i hope i didn't do too much damage to your lovely poem!!

Oh not at all! Thank you for your commentary--it's really very necessary that I see my poems through the eyes of someone else. And I'm not the kind of person to get offended by an honest response (unless it's couched in the most insulting terms, and not usually even then). I really appreciate it.