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British Imperialism
- Thread starter fustrated
- Start date
bobbyburns
New Member
the watercloset.
Ashlea
New Member
kskyhappy said:lol have you not seen the life of brian?
kskyhappy
ps i didn't know the romans got to china? therefore how did they affect my entire culture?
I have seen the Life of Brian, but not this millenium. The only part I really remember is the whole Latin grammar thing, which I found hilarious.
OK, so they affected your entire ENGLISH culture, and don't bother saying that it isn't yours.
Carlos
New Member
Agreed, would be nice to get back on topic, even empire building seen through the critical eye of Monty Python would be a huge improvement.Ashlea said:
The British Empire, when did it die? And who says it's Dead?
Praline: Hello, I wish to register a complaint . . . Hello? Miss?
Politician: What do you mean, miss?
Praline: Oh, I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint.
Politician: Sorry, we're closing for lunch.
Praline: Never mind that my lad, I wish to complain about this Empire what I purchased not half an hour ago from this very Government.
Politician: Oh yes, the British Red, covers most of the globe. What's wrong with it?
Praline: I'll tell you what's wrong with it. It's dead, that's what's wrong with it.
Politician: No, no it's resting, look!
Praline: Look my lad, I know a dead Empire when I see one and I'm looking at one right now.
Politician: No, no sir, it's not dead. It's resting.
Praline: Resting?
Politician: Yeah, remarkable Empire the British Red, fantastic ideology, innit?
Praline: The ideology don't enter into it -- it's stone dead.
Politician: No, no -- it's just resting.
Praline: All right then, if it's resting I'll wake it up. (Shouts at globe symbolising British Empire) Hello Britain! I've got a nice third world country to invade for you when you wake up, Britain!
Politician: (jogging globe) There it moved.
Praline: No he didn't. That was you pushing the globe.
Politician: I did not.
Praline: Yes, you did. (holds globe, shouts) Hello Britain, Britain (bangs it against counter) British Empire, wake up. Britain. (throws it in the air and lets it fall to the floor) Now that's what I call a dead Empire.
Politician: No, no it's stunned.
Praline: Look my lad, I've had just about enough of this. That Empire is definitely deceased. And when I bought it not half an hour ago, you assured me that its lack of movement was due to it being tired and shagged out after a long campaign invading India
Politician: It's probably pining for tea and cucumber sandwiches.
Praline: Pining for tea and cucumber sandwiches, what kind of talk is that? Look, why did it fall flat on its back the moment I got it home?
Politician: The British red prefers kipping on its back. Beautiful Empire, fantastic ideology.
Praline: Look, I took the liberty of examining that Empire, and I discovered that the only reason that it had been sitting on top of the world in the first place was that it had an industrial revolution.
Politician: Well of course it had an industrial revolution. Otherwise it would have been a French Empire.
Praline: Look matey (picks up globe) this empire wouldn't be on top if I put four thousand volts through it. It's bleeding demised.
Politician: It's not, it's pining.
Praline: It's not pining, it's passed on. This Empire is no more. It has ceased to be. It's expired and gone to meet its maker. This is a late Empire. It's a stiff. Bereft of life, it rests in peace. If you hadn't had an industrial revolution, it would be pushing up the daisies. It's rung down the curtain and joined the choir invisible. This is an ex-Empire.
Politician: Well, I'd better replace it then.
Praline: (to camera) If you want to get anything done in this country you've got to complain till you're blue in the mouth.
Politician: Sorry guv, we're right out of Empires.
Praline: I see. I see. I get the picture.
Politician: I've got a Commonwealth.
Praline: Does rule the world?
Politician: Not really, no.
Praline: Well, it's scarcely a replacement, then is it?
Politician: Listen, I'll tell you what, (handing over a card) tell you what, if you go to the United Nations they'll replace your Empire for you.
Praline: United Nations eh?
Politician: Yeah.
Praline: All right. He leaves, holding the globe.
CAPTION: United Nations, Belgium.
Close-up of sign on door reading: 'United Nations'. Pull back from sign to see same Government. Politician now has moustache. Praline walks into shop. He looks around with interest, noticing the lack of an empire.
Praline: Er, excuse me. This is the United Nations, is it?
Politician: No, no it's, er, The USA, we really run the UN, and the old British Empire.
Praline: (to camera) That's the power of economics for you. (leaves)
Man in porter's outfit standing at complaints desk for railways. Praline approaches.
Praline: I wish to make a complaint.
Porter: I don't have to do this, you know.
Praline: I beg your pardon?
Porter: I'm a British Prime Minister. I only do this because I like being my own boss.
Praline: Er, excuse me, this is irrelevant, isn't it?
Porter: Oh yeah, it's not easy to pad these out to thirty minutes.
Praline: Well I wish to make a complaint. I went to the UN but infact the USA was running the show.
Porter: No, it is the UN.
Praline: (to camera) The politician’s brother was lying.
Porter: Well you can't blame British Empire for that.
Praline: If this is the UN, I shall return to the government.
CAPTION: 'A LITTLE LATER LTD.'
Praline walks into the government again.
Praline: I understand that this is the UN.
Politician: Yes.
Praline: Well, you told me it was run by the USA.
Politician: It was a pun.
Praline: A pun?
Politician: No, no, not a pun, no. What's the other thing which keeps the population voting for us?
Praline: A polictical truth?
Politician: Yes, yes.
Praline: It's not a polictical truth. The polictical truth is an oxymoron. It don't work.
Politician: Look, what do you want?
Praline: No I'm sorry, I'm not prepared to pursue my line of enquiry any further as I think this is getting too silly.
Colonel: (coming in) Quite agree. Quite agree. Silly. Silly . . . silly. Right get on with it. Get on with it.
Exits right stage to have tea and cucumber sandwiches while watching cricket
might have a few inconsistences, ran out of time to check it