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calling dr. love

J

jenn

New Member
no moto, put your banana back!!

first let me say that this is not about me. i am very happy in my relationship. i am simply coming to the group with a dilemma that is happening to my friend. well actually a couple of friends, anyway.

my friend, let us call her anne, has been with her boyfriend going on 5 years. they are recently engaged. bob is a great man. kind funny smart handsome all the good stuff. up until recently things have been marvy.
anne was married quite young and after 2 years had a very clean divorce. but felt shaken that her judgement could be so poor. we all make mistakes.
now she is again feeling restless. she is unsure if there is something wrong with her, if she is not in love, if he is the wrong man for her, she doesn't know. she is not mentally packing just yet, but has come up with a few escape plans ie: work abroad. she has decided to go get some therapy as she cannot seem to solve this on her own.

matt(my hubby) believes in love forever. if you love someone you always love them, always. so he contends that she was never in love with him. that any doubt is an indication that it is over.
i am not so black and white. i think you have to work to stay in love.

how do you follow your gut intuition if you don't know what your guts are telling you?
and do people fall out of love or were they never in love to begin with?
 
I think that everybody is different. For me, love is always and forever. Sure, it may diminish with time and distance but still.... I don't think everybody loves the same way and I don't think everybody loves to the same intensity. Love is a different emotion for everybody.

I say she should stop thinking. She is scared. You can't live your life in fear. Do what you feel. If she is there and she is happy then stay. If she isn't then leave. That simple.
 
I think it’s very easy to confuse lust for love. Especially when you’re early on in a relationship, and especially if you’re younger than 30. Maybe even 40. I don’t know if there’s an exact age here but the point is the younger you are the more likely you are to confuse the two.

You said these people have been together for 5 years. In today’s world that’s pretty long. Are they living together? I know I might become the world’s biggest hypocrite for saying this (I have daughters remember) but I really believe it’s a wonderful experiment to live with a person before you decide to marry them. There’s so much to learn that you can’t possibly know by any other method.
 
I agree with you. You should defiantly live with somebody before you decide to marry them. You may love them to death but maybe you just can't live together. As the song says, sometimes love just ain't enough :)
 
I still say it depends because I know I will never stop loving certain people. I will be old and Gray at the end of time. On my knees at the doorstep of death and I will still love them.

Sure, it takes work to stay in a RELATIONSHIP and that's not the same thing. You can love each other but it doesn't work out because you are not putting in the time and the effort that is required to be happy and stay together.

As I said, everybody is different. For me, love is forever and is a VERY intense emotion. I don't think everybody loves the same way.
 
they do live together and she is 28 and he is 24. he is freaking because he knows something is afoot and she is trying to put on a happy face so not to make things worse.
 
Well, they need to communicate for a start.

A relationship needs three fundamental things.

1) communication
2) trust and honesty
3) respect and understanding

They need to sit down and talk right now. If they are not being honest and they are not communicating then the relationship is already failing.
 
I do think you can fall out of love. You may always love the things you remember about somebody, but people change. The person you are at 25 will be worlds away from the person you are at 50. When your entire perspective on life changes, and your needs change, there is also room for your love to change. Which also means it can end. Just as two people can grow togther they can grow apart. I do not believe once in love, always in love. It's a living, breathing, changing entity.

My belief anyway.
 
Well, I still maintain that everybody is different. Everybody just assumes love is the same for everybody and I don't think that it is.

Yes, it can change. yes it can fade but for me it's for always. This is a FACT. Sure, my love for people in the past has faded very much. But I will still love them in some way even if it's only a very small light. The light will always be there in my heart. The love will never die. I know this. It's my reality. Maybe it isn't yours, but it's mine.
 
SillyWabbit said:
Sure, it takes work to stay in a RELATIONSHIP and that's not the same thing. You can love each other but it doesn't work out because you are not putting in the time and the effort that is required to be happy and stay together.
Click to expand...
Hmm... not sure I agree with you. If you love that person, when things don't work out, you'll work to find a way to solve the problem. You *want* things to work out. Unless of course, the other person doesn't want to put in the effort to save the relationship, i.e. doesn't love you anymore. I cannot imagine someone in love doesn't want to work to save it.

We not talking about platonic or familial love, so being in a relationship and being in love is (or should I say should be) the same thing.

IMHO, of course.

ds
 
I don't agree with you because I know it isn't so. For me, it isn't that way. Like I said, the important point that most people don't grasp is that love is different for everybody.
 
jenngorham said:
they do live together and she is 28 and he is 24. he is freaking because he knows something is afoot and she is trying to put on a happy face so not to make things worse.
Click to expand...
She's not being very fair to him. She should lay out all her cards, and talk it through. If she doesn't know, she shouldn't string him along until the day he comes back from work and find her packed and ready to leave.

IMHO, of course.

ds
 
I agree that a relationship needs to be worked on which isn't that same as loving somebody or not :p

I already stated that I do think a relalationship needs continue work and effort.

Relationship: The state co-existing with another human being.
Love: A feeling.

The two are not the same. It's possible to NOT be in a relationship and STILL love somebody. What about unrequited or lost love? Are you going to claim they don't exist?
 
It could seriously be argued that if you fall out of love you were never in love in the first place.
 
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