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Chico Cortez : An American Afterthought

Very melodramatic for such a short scene. Take a look at some of the words and phrases used.

sun slowly burns
agonizing
spilling guts
blood soaked
Gripping a blood soaked knife
blood dripping
writhing
spurting blood

and so forth.
 
Occlith said:
Very melodramatic for such a short scene. Take a look at some of the words and phrases used.

sun slowly burns
agonizing
spilling guts
blood soaked
Gripping a blood soaked knife
blood dripping
writhing
spurting blood

and so forth.
Click to expand...

please, continue
 
Occlith said:
Very melodramatic for such a short scene. Take a look at some of the words and phrases used.

sun slowly burns
agonizing
spilling guts
blood soaked
Gripping a blood soaked knife
blood dripping
writhing
spurting blood

and so forth.
Click to expand...

Agreed. Its meant as a prologue tho, sorta to peak the reader´s interest. Does it work ?
 
Lonesome Cowboy said:
Agreed. Its meant as a prologue tho, sorta to peak the reader´s interest. Does it work ?
Click to expand...

I think it would work better if you took out much of the dramatic stuff that Occlith listed. Try it and see how it reads then, if you don't like it, it doesn't matter. No harm in seeing though.
 
CDA said:
I think it would work better if you took out much of the dramatic stuff that Occlith listed. Try it and see how it reads then, if you don't like it, it doesn't matter. No harm in seeing though.
Click to expand...

Thanks so much for commenting my story CDA. I´d also really like to know your thoughts on my other story "1921 Ford". Check it out.
 
CDA points out the same concern as Occlith. It's a good sign that they have to share a point of criticism, the ratio of connotation.
 
they were suggesting that too much dramatic connotation was present through those listed phrases.
 
they suggest reduce the words from the list, but the ratio of connotation can be changed with more control by lengthening the prologue
 
Lonesome Cowboy said:
Its meant as a prologue tho, sorta to peak the reader´s interest. Does it work ?
Click to expand...
No. If this were a novel this prologue would make me stop reading.
The situation and actions are interesting and I would like to see a revision with more of a hint inside the mind of the lead character.
 
Occlith said:
No. If this were a novel this prologue would make me stop reading.
The situation and actions are interesting and I would like to see a revision with more of a hint inside the mind of the lead character.
Click to expand...

Thank you Occlith. That is a good observation that I must definitely consider. Would you mind taking a look at my other story "1921 Ford Roundabout" ?
I´d like your comments on it as well. Thanks.
 
using spanish dialogue may become problematic in revision. Occlith suggests revision and disclosure of character, but if it were to be done by any addition of dialogue, spanish with english narration could be conspicouse or limiting
 
helgi said:
using spanish dialogue may become problematic in revision. Occlith suggests revision and disclosure of character, but if it were to be done by any addition of dialogue, spanish with english narration could be conspicouse or limiting
Click to expand...

Right on the money Helgi, on both accounts. The words "bastardo" and "libertad" were chosen specifically for their closeness to their English equivalents , both in pronunciation and spelling. The buck stops at the prologue tho.
 
Lonesome Cowboy said:
Right on the money Helgi, on both accounts. The words "bastardo" and "libertad" were chosen specifically for their closeness to their English equivalents , both in pronunciation and spelling. The buck stops at the prologue tho.
Click to expand...

yeah, Libertad is only a tad different from Liberty.
 
I bet everyone sees it from the forum index, or sees the number of replies. This prologue is getting more analysis than Shakespeare
 
Though this is simply my personal opinion, I disagree with Occlith and CDM. I think the melodrama is what draws you into the story. For me, it made me want to find out what led up to this point and where the story would go from there. Again, just my personal opinion. I found it much like the beginning of a movie where they rope you in with an action scene in the first 2 minutes.
 
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