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Collaborative stories: Discussion thread.

My grammar is rubbish :(

<--cries! :D

Mile-o... Why are thease wrong and what do I do to correct them?

1) It was hot, sticky, dream stale night
2) The door that still lay silent

Thanks

Regards
SillyWabbit
 
Martin said:
What's the exact definition of 'flowery' in this context?

Wow, Mile, you're getting into this, aren't you?
Click to expand...

Of course, I love collaborative stories. The last one I did I kind of ruined though. Everyone added a sentence. I contributed about five or six of the sentences. These are in red:


The alarm blares throughout the corridor, a bright red light shining on and off in short bursts. A guard runs along, slowed by the fact he is anxiously contacting the Control Room as he does.

"Control 4? I'm in the - the biogenetics corridor. I need clearance through to the laboratory, right now."

"NO! Don't go in there, the top secret experiment has reached a critical phase" came back a very concerned response.

The guard slams a fist against the wall in anger. Just then Sir Anthony Headcase, the head of research, came puffing up to the guard.

"Why are you just standing around?" he roars, "We've got an emergency on our hands!"

Looking at the guards confused expression, the scientist explains that their experiment involves a genetically modified cat called Humphrey who is loose in the laboratory. Humphrey likes pizza. The problem is he has been crossed with a lion, and although domestic cat sized, is very strong and fierce, particularly when he gets the wrong topping on his pizza.

"That isn't the only problem," explains the scientist while running his fingers along the wall, "this feline was also genetically altered with the genes of a South African Chamaeleo chamaeleon, which means it can virtually disapper into any surrounding."

"Like a pizza?" asked a nearby laboratory assistant.

Just then a bucket leapt up ripping the shocked laboratory assistant's throat before running off down the corridor.

"To heck with it," said another conveniently nearby scientist, and took the guards out for pizza.

"Do you want extra cheese with that?" asked the waitress.

Just then, a boom of thunder clapped outside, and the doors were thrown open. Standing in the doorway, eyes wide with terror, was the panting form of the Pizzarama mascot, Mr. Pizza, his felt and foam rubber pizaa costume hanging in shredded tatters about his his lacerated limbs. Grabbing a large coke and knocking it back in one, he told the group that he had sat on his bike, and it bit him in a most uncomfortable place.

"Not on my shift!" cried the head waiter, crashing headlong into Mr Pizza, and knocking him to a pile of wet cheese and tomato on the floor.

"That's it!" yelled Mr. Pizza, stripping the remains of his stained and slashed pizza costume, "The guy at the temp agency never said anything about killer bikes and lunatic co-workers! I quit!"

One of the watching customers can't help bursting into laughter at the sheer lunacy they have been witnessing. He pulls out a business card and hands to hands it to the prone mascot; "E. T. Rinaldi: Circus Ringmaster".

"It's time to take out the trash and this time, it's personal!" screamed renegade ex-cop John McKill as he squinted his eyes and pulled out his Magnum.

Mr. Pizza, who is already prone, plays opossum while Mr. Rinaldi dives under one of the tables in the pizza parlor; one of the customers continues laughing. The phone on the counter begins to ring.

After a few agonizing moments, John McKill answers it; "Pizzarama, John Mckill, renegade ex-cop speaking. Can I take your order?"

A frail voice on the other end: "Do you do one of those pizzas with guacemole inside the crust?"

John McKill narrows his eyes, and says: 'If I told you that, I'd have to rip out your lungs, pull them out of your mouth and tie them around your ears.'

"In that case," the voice says, "can I order one of those pizzas for my, er, friend?"

"Your... "friend", eh? Well, if I knew where to find this "friend", and how much money I'd get for "delievering" him a "pizza", we might just have a deal going, eh?"

"One thing I must stipulate though," the voice continues, "when delivering a pizza to his door he would prefer it if you left a bucket of guacemole at the corner of 12th and 91st about two miles from his house."

"It would be a pleasure," replies John McKill, "but remember - if I take more than half an hour, it's free!"

McKill cradled the blower, only to find that sometime during the conversation the scientist, the guards, Mr. Pizza and Rinaldi the showman had all tiptoed out of the restaurant. One of the customers starts laughing harder than before. McKill points his Magnum at the irksome client and fires, before high-tailing it out of the restaurant so fast he doesn't notice that he missed.

He leaps astride his motorcycle, and revs up, hurtling down the dark street, and towards the oncoming traffic. McKill grimaced through the wind in his face and growled under his breath, "Only 30 minutes to find a bucket of guacamole and get it to the drop point; how do I get myself into these situations?"

The bike skids round into an empty street, zooms up a convientley-placed plank of wood that is resting on a dumpster, and sails through the air. "Oh, yeah," McKill realizes, "I get myself into these situations because I do stupid things like drive my bike off a ramp for no reason..."

Mid-air, John McKill cartwheels off of the bikeseat, and spirals in slow-motion through the air before landing firmly on the tarmac road. Fortunately for John the tarmac he lands on is our genetically modified cat hiding, which is unfortunate for the animal that is squashed flat. The bike cartwheels away through the night sky into the nearby Sci-Com Science Laborotary Complex, which burts open in a flame-filled explosion.

"Great Scott, that was a close one!" cries Sir Anthony Headcase as he is hauled from the wreckage by Rinaldi and Mr. Pizza.

A vaguely familiar passerby bursts into laughter. "Hey you!" cried Renaldi, turning away from his efforts to save Sir Anthony Headcase, toward the passerby who reminded him for all the world like... "...Koko?" exclaimed Rinaldi, as the truth finally dawned, "Koko the clown? It is you! I didn't recognise you without your make-up! Quick, come and help us with this wounded man!"

"Sorry about the mess," John says, as he strides toward the burning building, leaving gooey footprints of quivering genetically enhanced biomatter behind him.

"Dammit John" Rinaldi sighed as he glanced back at Sir Anthony, "you always did walk away when things got messy".

I expect you're all wondering what you're doing here," said Sir Anthony, and eyeing the motley crowd with a look of almost fatherly approval he went on; "You've all been part of a rather unusual experiment, and what's more you've done wonderfully well. Let me explain... There are three fundamental things in life: sex, death, and guacemole. That has nothing to do with the experiment, of course, just an observation."

"But," he continued, "the experiment was everything to do with guacemole. Our experiment was designed to test a theory I have about the a universal connection between all things, to wit: everything in the universe which is made of matter contains at least one element in common with properly prepared guacamole."

"It was while I was searching for the guacamole gene in humans that I accidently dropped sour cream into a petri dish containing a number of fertilised human eggs, altering the genetic structure of the resulting embryos; in short, it was the accident that gave rise to all of you!"

Meanwhile, in a completely unrelated incident, a cow goes "Miaow!"
 
OK, corrected noted errors in story.

Mile-o, just don't get TOO excited about fixin the errors. This is about fun :) It will distract from the story if this thread is filled with error correction!

Martin said:
You're a strange one, Mile.

Cheers, Martin
Click to expand...

I think he just needs to learn to chill and have fun :cool:

The last line was fantastic! What's wrong with that??? lol

Regards
SillyWabbit
 
piedro said:
hey graydaisy, dont be an outsider, why dont you join?
Click to expand...
thank-you!! it's kind of you to offer, but i think i'll stick this one out and cheer from the sidelines. ;) however, wabbit's intro is so good, i fear i may never forgive myself.

great setup wabbit. it lives up to the name and leaves so much room for everyone else's brilliant and possibly warped ideas. :D
 
Aack! Been super busy at work as I'm going on vacation, so have not been reading the forums, and I come back to an assignment!

Alright, nothing to brag about but a post has been accomplished. I'm sure I'll come back to some exciting stuff. See ya'll Thursday.

We definitely have different styles, Mr. Wabbit. :)
 
lol both of you have given intriguing starts to the story but have left it upto the next person to form the main theme :D. the buildup is killing me.

now its all upto carlos....

will he make it to be a soap opera where the stranger was her long-lost brother
or a lovestory where he was her old love
or a crimethriller where he has come to make her atone for her past sins
or a sexcapade where he sleeps with her first and then wonders what to do next
or a tragedy where the man has twenty four hours to live
or a comedy where the guy was george bush in disguise
or a spystory where he assigns her to go to the Swiss Alps to foil Dr Evil from taking over the world
or a Sci-Fi where the guy wasnt a guy but an ET who was lost in the city
or a comic where the guy was a looney-tune

or will he just tell me to shut up and let him get on with the job?
 
SillyWabbit said:
Mile-o, just don't get TOO excited about fixin the errors. This is about fun :) It will distract from the story if this thread is filled with error correction!
Click to expand...

It seems to be a good learning experience though. As you've said, I don't see a problem as long as it doesn't get too excessive.

Anyway, I'm looking forward to a resolution of the cliffhanger.

I don't see why more people couldn't get involved provided they join before the end of the first cycle.
 
Yeah, you are right, really. You here that???? Come on everybody, jump on in and join us crazy fools!! :D

Crit is good, and I like it ( REALLY ) I just don't want it to be excessive :)

Ashlea... GREAT STUFF!!! you did good, babe! I really liked what you wrote. You write well :) AND... Have a good vacation! :)

I really like this colab story, it's fun and exciting! As Piedro says, who knows what it will turn into??? It's interesting to have started it. It's almost like watching your child grow and change. You have no control, you can only hope.

Ummm, that's it... NEXT :D

Regards
SillyWabbit
 
SillyWabbit said:
Mile-o... Why are thease wrong and what do I do to correct them?

1) It was hot, sticky, dream stale night
2) The door that still lay silent
Click to expand...

  1. It was a hot, sticky, dream stale night.
  2. This just isn't a sentence. The door that lay silent what? It would be better as a continuation of the previous sentence.
 
About the first AHHHHHH OK! I just plain misssed it. I was thinking, what the hell am I doing wrong?

About the second. Mmmm, I leave it as it stands. I know it's unorthodox, but I like it.

"The door that still lay silent" the door has been quite. The door is still quite. Hecne the sentance "The door that still lay silent." You see?

Regards
SillyWabbit
 
SillyWabbit said:
"The door that still lay silent" the door has been quite. The door is still quite. Hecne the sentance "The door that still lay silent." You see?
Click to expand...

'quiet'
'Hence'
'sentence'

I can see why Mile enjoys this. :D
 
SillyWabbit said:
and?
Click to expand...

That's not a proper sentence. Plus that should really be a capital letter a. :p

Soz. It's addictive though. I had a deal on another forum where I'm a moderator that I'd edit out all the spelling mistakes I spotted on someone else's posts. But there were too many posts and too many mistakes, so I got bored. Plus it was too tempted just to rewrite the whole post to start fights and get him into trouble.
 
Got the pm, SillyRabbit your PM box is overflowing, all that fan mail again :rolleyes:

Just read the opening two posts. I'll mull it over in my mind and post tomorrow, 9:20pm here. If nothing germinates I'll decline the invite to participate, BUT I will let you know tomorow, one way or the other.

How does that sound?

Cheers

PS sounds like fun
 
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