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College level writing?

Ich kämpfe

Ich kämpfe

New Member
My English teacher and I quote says my writing is "atrocious."

-She says I use "passive" voice way to much.
(What "voice" am I supposed to write in, an example sentence would be great!)

-She says my structure is for 7th graders ( :( )!
(I use a five paragraph essay format as taught by my teacher last year. She says the conclusion is useless and college professors call this format the "canned-essay" wich made me chuckle)

I'll add some more tomorrow when after a meeting I have with her in which to discuss this. My writing must be really bad...

Give me as many tips as possible, even if you think I should already know them...PLEASE

I think she is so harsh since this is one of those 'AP' courses.

I want to make my next essay really exceptional just to see the expression on her face and to have her grovel at my feet! *Evil laugh*

:D

Edit: I am sorry if this is not the appropriate place for this topic!
 
Ich kämpfe said:
-She says my structure is for 7th graders ( :( )
Click to expand...

Sentence structure or the overall structure of the essay?

Ah sorry, I should have read it more carefully - you're talking about the structure of the entire essay
 
Passive voice can be a bit tricky. Example: The boy was bitten by the dog. (Active voice: The dog bit the boy.) As you can see, active voice is a touch easier to follow, sounds stronger. A little variety is good, but primarily active voice is better.

Find out what kind of structure she likes, unfortunately this is very subjective and every teacher is different. Try to make every sentence count for something. Outline first, it may help.

If you like, and you don't leave it to the last minute ;), you can email me your next essay and I'll critique it.
 
Post it here if you like - i'm sure you'll get numerous tips on how to refine your essay.

I can't believe I actually miss writting essay's and that i'm willing to look at improving others :rolleyes:
 
It is due Tuesday of next week.

Topic: Discuss the Pear Tree motif OR the Mule motif in Their Eyes were Watching God. 500 words.

Tomorrow I am going to skim through the book again and find all references to the tree, since when I read it I didn't mark them. After that I will begin writing. I can't say when it will be done but I will email it. Private message me with your email.

I am against posting it just in case the small chance that someone from my class happens to find it and take it for his or her own.

BE WARNED: I am a bad writer and I know it. If you haven't read this book, it will probably contain spoilers.

Keep the tips coming!

Edit: Thanks a lot Ashlea! She prefers active...so your tip was excellent!
 
Mess Around

Ich,

Let me give you a set of examples.

He was the kind of guy who walked through town in the middle of the day when nobody else was around. He got a slice of pizza warmed up from yesterday’s pie and thought it was good. He was dumb like that.


Sheila saw Pete coming and put the old slice in the oven because he would take it, pay for it, and wouldn’t notice. And after he paid a buck fifty for it, he carried it in front of his face like the eucharist and panted on it like a dog. He wanted that pizza like he wanted a girl. Maybe a little less.

I wanted that pizza so bad I put my last six quarters on that fuckin greasy counter, dreaming of the taste of melted cheese and crisp crust and the tangy sauce between, but when I bit into it, it was bread and salt and a mush of slidey cheese, and I wisht I had my dollar fifty back for somethin’ else.

With writing, ya gotta play around and hear it.

Novella
 
This is a problem that you get with scientific writing. It's hard to write a definite statement, you can only interpret your data, so the whole thing tends to come across a little wishy-washy. When people do write their conclusions as facts their papers get ripped to shreds. I've been both a ripper and a rippee.

Your essay style sounds as though it was the mass marketed type they use for teaching a whole class full of children the basics on how to write. Nothing wrong with that especially, but as you progress you need to find a written style of your own. When you move from school to university there are a lot of things you have to unlearn and start again.

As Novella says, don't be afraid to experiment. You have to try new styles of writing, find one which works for you and then make it your own. At this level you want to stand out from the rest of your class and get your teacher's attention, rather than conform to a pre-written mark sheet where teacher reads down the page ticking off points as you make them. It depends on the teacher, and obviously I did science subjects rather than arts or humanities, but the important thing now is not that you come up with the same arguments as your teacher, but that you can justify the arguments you do have.

Try keeping sentences short. Make every sentence say something. One 'fact' or statement per sentence. Get down the bare bones of what it is you're trying to say and then play with it. You'll probably find that you need to tailor your work to fit the teacher setting it, but that's a really good skill to have and worth practicing.

I doubt it has to be a particularly argumentative essay. But you need to be able to defend whatever position you take. You can't just say you believe in the magical power of hedgehogs. You need to justify your stance and back it up with evidence.
 
Litany gives some great advice here.

Further, I would say that when teachers criticize writing as "passive" it may mean that you are telling and not showing. That's a hard habit to break.

Some ways to get past that are:

Try not to generalize. When you find yourself making a generalization, find a specific example instead and go into that in depth.

Get rid of all cliches. Wherever you see a cliche, stick something else in even if it's weird.

Get rid of all instances of "good" "great" "interesting" and other boring nondescriptive words. Use something specific instead. Get out your thesaurus and start to really work it.

Give your true opinion, not what you think someone wants to hear. It will bring life to whatever you are writing.

So, instead of "The book was really interesting. She is a good writer and has won a lot of prizes. She always uses the pear tree motif when . . ."

try

"At first I had trouble getting into this story.The setting, Harlem in the early 20th century when African-influenced culture was flowering, was alien and the author's imagery strange, almost nightmarish. For instance . . . But I gradually found myself wrapped up in the world she created, even dreaming about it. The character X was . . ."

Make it personal.

Novella
 
Thanks for the tips. I will keep those in mind.

Finding my own style seems like a difficult task.

I have trouble with using was.

For example:

Character x was nearly killed.

Only other way I could see to make that sentence is:

Nearly killed, Character x (...).

The second setence is what I try to use but always goes wrong when I complete it:

Nearly killed, character x find that s/he was/is (...).

I just can't get rid of it.

Anyway I hope I learn how to write well before I get into college.
 
Why don't you try to write in the moment, which makes "was" almost impossible.

Like

"As he stepped off the curb looking the wrong way he felt the side of a bus brush so close to his ear it sucked the breath out of his lungs and warmed his cheek as it blew past. Another inch and he would've been roadkill." You can't use was in a sentence like that. You might go on to say "It left him shaken and hollow." But not "he was scared" which is really redundant.
 
Ich kämpfe said:
I want to make my next essay really exceptional just to see the expression on her face and to have her grovel at my feet! *Evil laugh*
Click to expand...
Yeah, but watch out. I had an English class where I totally slacked all year, then did a report on the Apollo XI trip to the moon, which I was really interested in at the time, and so I wrote a really good paper. I got an A+, but the teacher put a note on it which read something like, "Great job! I hope this is all your work, only you know..."

Later, in college, I worked on a team report about recycling and my professor told me, "I know that you did most, if not all of the work. But I can't prove it. And so I can't give your partner zero points." Something to that effect. So I guess it all balances out.

I usually do pretty well in English classes, though I feel like I don't really knkow what the heck I'm doing. So maybe I'll be able to help a little.
 
Ich kämpfe said:
Anyway I hope I learn how to write well before I get into college.
Click to expand...

The fact that you want to is a big thing. Most people get to college completely unaware that they are awful at it.
 
novella said:
Why don't you try to write in the moment, which makes "was" almost impossible.

Like

"As he stepped off the curb looking the wrong way he felt the side of a bus brush so close to his ear it sucked the breath out of his lungs and warmed his cheek as it blew past. Another inch and he would've been roadkill." You can't use was in a sentence like that. You might go on to say "It left him shaken and hollow." But not "he was scared" which is really redundant.
Click to expand...

How do you write "in the moment" while speaking of something in the past tense? I have to write my reports on novels, so everything is past tense.

Mort said:
Yeah, but watch out. I had an English class where I totally slacked all year, then did a report on the Apollo XI trip to the moon, which I was really interested in at the time, and so I wrote a really good paper. I got an A+, but the teacher put a note on it which read something like, "Great job! I hope this is all your work, only you know..."

Later, in college, I worked on a team report about recycling and my professor told me, "I know that you did most, if not all of the work. But I can't prove it. And so I can't give your partner zero points." Something to that effect. So I guess it all balances out.

I usually do pretty well in English classes, though I feel like I don't really knkow what the heck I'm doing. So maybe I'll be able to help a little.
Click to expand...

Well, I hope if I can write one excellent essay the rest of the following essays should be equally good. If she thinks I cheated I'll take it as a compliment.
:)

Ashlea said:
The fact that you want to is a big thing. Most people get to college completely unaware that they are awful at it.
Click to expand...

Hopefully since I am aware of the fact, I will be able to motivate myself to improve. I don't see how people don't realize how awful they are, took me only a few of those college critical essays. I like reading them on books I've read.
 
Ich kämpfe said:
How do you write "in the moment" while speaking of something in the past tense? I have to write my reports on novels, so everything is past tense.
Click to expand...

Try practising with a running commentary in your head of what you've just done yourself. The fact that they're your current actions will help give you a sense of immediacy (is that a word?) but because they've just happened will help you with the past tense. If you see what I mean.

As in...Litany tapped away on her sticky keyboard with a sporky abandon, writing what would probably be yet another of her incomprehensible posts. She reached for another Hobnob. 'Ahh, stuff it,' she thought. 'It's time I was out pillaging anyway.'

Better still, mutter your commentary under your breath, so people think you're a bit of a nut job.
 
Passive:

The second chapter was where the nightingale motif first appeared.

In the moment:

In the second chapter a nightingale sings at the emperor's window. Thereafter the nightingale always appears during moments of sadness and loss.

In short, use the Present Tense. Just practice it a bit and it will come naturally.

Novella
 
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