Contagious

[maey]

A little spur-of-the-moment "poem" I wrote a few nights ago, titled Contagious:

~~~~~~~~~~
Notes of infatuation dominate my concept of love.
I grace the covers
of your bed and we fake
the passion in our kisses, to satisfy our intense desire to feel human again.
Convince me, test my emotions and kill the cynics.
I fear the impending problem: lies are shading my perception; my rosy glasses are darkening.
Don't let me speak and don't utter a secret I can't keep.
Smudged ink, smeared lipstick, sweaty palms, and I'm staring at your glazed eyes.
I am finally seeing that I was the one worth leaving.
I'm tired of you pacifying me with promises you know you can't keep.
Still waiting for the black to replace my blue. I have no regret; it was my aim to get caught.
Day by day, I seek the possibilities. Look at the hourglass countdown -- times ticking, you must make up your mind. The moment is gone without a thrill and a tinge of doubt is plagueing my heart.
I would say I'm sorry if I thought it would change your mind. But now I know I've said too much.
The accumulation of tears is starting to sting and I am still covering it up with smiles.
Your vibe
is contagious.
~~~~~~~~~~

What do y'all think??

 

[Ashlea]

There's a lot of great phrases there. I would say tighten it up a bit, but the imagery is gorgeous.

 

[Crystal]

A little spur-of-the-moment "poem" I wrote a few nights ago, titled Contagious:

~~~~~~~~~~
Notes of infatuation dominate my concept of love.
I grace the covers
of your bed and we fake
the passion in our kisses, to satisfy our intense desire to feel human again.
Convince me, test my emotions and kill the cynics.
I fear the impending problem: lies are shading my perception; my rosy glasses are darkening.
Don't let me speak and don't utter a secret I can't keep.
Smudged ink, smeared lipstick, sweaty palms, and I'm staring at your glazed eyes.
I am finally seeing that I was the one worth leaving.
I'm tired of you pacifying me with promises you know you can't keep.
Still waiting for the black to replace my blue. I have no regret; it was my aim to get caught.
Day by day, I seek the possibilities. Look at the hourglass countdown -- times ticking, you must make up your mind. The moment is gone without a thrill and a tinge of doubt is plagueing my heart.
I would say I'm sorry if I thought it would change your mind. But now I know I've said too much.
The accumulation of tears is starting to sting and I am still covering it up with smiles.
Your vibe
is contagious.
~~~~~~~~~~

What do y'all think??

Maey, i cannot comment on your grammer or structure that kind of thing. But I can tell you that I like the images you have presented which are vivid life-like, and very real. (I don't know whether it is just my own imagination or what, that I can feel a shade of melancholy/sadness in your poem.)

ermm, the following two are the ones that make a bit more sense to me. (if you can find another word to replace 'accumualtion'):

*Day by day, I seek the possibilities.

*The accumulation of tears is starting to sting and I am still covering it up with smiles.

Thank you, Maey, for sharing. if, you would like believe,

I wish you the best, sincerely,

water-crystal

PS: seriously, Maey, just wondered whether you have ever posted this poem before?? Thanks.

 

[maey]

no, i haven't posted this poem before. but i did have to edit it a few minutes after i had just posted it. thx for the comments and suggestions .

 

[Wabbit]

Liked it and I agree with Ashlea There is a really great poem struggling to get out here. I think you need to tighten things up. Be more elemental and "explain" a little less. Pay some attention to flow and rhythm. Read it out loud. See how it flows. See if you can tell where you might make it flow better? Where you might pause for punch and impact. There is one really huge long line at the end that really breaks the flow and doesn't seem to belong. Other than that it's a great poem. It has some really great images and a great feeling to it. I especially liked the this start

Notes of infatuation dominate my concept of love.
I grace the covers
of your bed and we fake
the passion in our kisses, to satisfy our intense desire to feel human again.
Convince me, test my emotions and kill the cynics.

And this line later was a really good one

"Still waiting for the black to replace my blue. I have no regret; it was my aim to get caught" and also "

Good stuff, thank you for sharing it