-dark Cloud-

[Don Servente]

I just wrote this and im ready to continue if you guys like it. I know It as a lot of mystakes ,im spanish and english is my third language.

-DARK CLOUD-
by Don Servente

INTRODUCTION BY THE AUTHOR

As every human enter their life they once have the beyond impresion of love deep inside they soul. Whit time that impresion transform to real love , to some peoples it develops to hait, and for some to compation . But what if someone changes is destine and dont develope is feelings whit time. What if someone was as human as every beign and programme as every animal ?! Whoudnt we live happier whitout sadness!! Whoudnt we be sad whitout happinnes!! Thats what life and this story is all about.

REAL INTRODUCTION : Adolfo Enigme

Adolfo Enigme was a smart kid he was always reading writing or studing. In others words he was always developing is brain cells while the others kids of his age where doign sports or other physicalls activitis. Whit the time Enigme learned a lot about a lot of subjects,at the age of ten Enigme was already smarter then his owns parents. Even if the yougn kid ad a anourmous talent he never ad the chance of goign to school ,cause you see ,his parents were the one of a farmers generation and they really wanted the yougn Enigme to be one of so himself. Having no others choice the yougn Enigme worked in the farm from many years to come. He grew up without ever more touching a book or write anything or even think anymore. And so for about ten years the no more yougn kid ad worked hard helping his parents. The yougn adult was now tall,strong and pretty respected by everyone. Mysteriously he never showed an emotion from his straight face ,he was always looking angry or sad but never happy. Enigme never had a friend of any kind and some people thougt he was a mad man. But still theres yet to come.

Chapiter 1 : Dark Cloud !?

It was a cold and dark nigth of september ,one of those nights that came from no where and that never seem to end. The rare kind of night ,that when arrived everyone in town had difficulty to even close their eyes whitout be awenken by the freezing cold wind of mysterious mr.weather. Still it was very silent outside ,not a noise coud be heard exept the one of the furious wind. And to the far away came a strange and curious voice screeming like a mad man ,screeming for fresh blood. The time passed and the sun finaly rised. MR.Tatemen and MR.Silver two reputed lawyers who where friends since they know anyone where talking about the last nigth mystery on their way to work.

"Had you hear the last night screems outside ?" asked MR.Tatemen

"Well of course my dear friend, I coudnt close an eye of the night!! I first thougt it was the wind but no wind coud have made that kind of noise." responded MR.Silver

"One thing is sure ,I dont want to meet what ever made that noise."

Both man ad a pleasent laugh ,when sudenly out of no where came the yougn Enigme cover of blood and screaming for help. Enigme ad a confious look on his face and just by looking at him you coud tell he was badly hurt. The two brave lawyers bougt him to the hospital which was quite near. On the way to wich Enigme didnt stop talking about a black and anourmous cloud which destructed everything. Once arrived at the hospital the two men where thank and Enigme was taken care of. On the way back to work both men talked about the curious incident.

"What do you think happen" First asked MR.Tatemen

"I dont know. I think we shoud go see his farm to know what really happen." responded MR.Silver

"Are you crazy we are no policeman lets just go to work dont you see we will be late"

"We already are ,the number of minutes dont really count my friend. And anyway his farm is quite close we wont waste big time"

TO BE CONTINUED...

 

[Darren]

Hi, welcome to The Book Forum

Looks like your developing an interesting plot there. Your English is a little hard to follow sometimes, but considering it's your third language it's very good - much better than my Spanish!

I did feel that you're moving things a little too quickly. Perhaps a bit more description to set the mood and describe the location to the reader in more detail?

What do other members think?

Great start. Keep it coming

 

[Don Servente]

this story is my first try writing anything I try to make it go slower thanks for the advices. So heres chapiter 2

Chapiter 2 : The Gentelman

Mr.Tatemen had always been a very simple and loyal man he never had miss work uless he was really sick. On the other hand Mr.Silver had always been pationneted by adventure and care less about other opinions. But still both very respectful mans.

"Look my friend you dont need to come just go to work. And puraps I meet you there!" Responded Mr.Silver

Tatemen look at Mr.Silver and saw this glow of adventure and curiousity in his big brown eyes. He then agree to let him go alone. Even if he didnt at all like the idea. Both man shaked hands and they both gone theyr way.

One to his usual work and the other to the inusual farm. On the way to his small office, Mr.Tatemen thougt about Mr.Silver.

"What if something happen to him ?! I know Mr.Silver is a smart and prudent man but still. Maybe I shoud have gonne whit him. This is not time to change mind he will be alrigth."

A litte more reconforted Mr.Tatemen looked at the small houses all around him. They all pretty look the same, some in worst shape then others but usually the same structure. They where all half discolerd and some of them didnt even had windows. Everyone looked dirty and myserable. "Am I on the good street" thougt he. Mr.Tatemen started walking faster but the neiborhoud never sem to end. Mr.Tatemen stop sudenly walking.

"maybe I shoud ask someone where I am." He looked around trying to find someone who woudnt look too poor ,afraid to be stolen.He then saw a well dressed man walking along the street. He had one clean and expensive uniform and a tall hat wish cover half his face. The man looked like a perfect gentelman. "What is he doign in a place like this?" he first thougt. He then mentaly answer is own question "He is maybe lost like me. Well then why ask him where I am. Still we never know"

Mr.Tatemen then aproched the gentelman and asked him respectfuly the way to his office. The gentelmen then point whit his finger the way and continue walking. "What a curious character" he tought.

Goign away he then suddenly feel a stong and unpredictalbe pain in his back. He falls slowly on the cold street and then everything seem to fastly blur. He heard loud screems and fasts footstep from everwhere around him. He then remember the most important time of his life. When he meat Mr.Silver ,when he got his diploma ,when his parents die and when he got his first paycheck. Mr.Tatemen coud feel the blood goign out of his body as he stand there ,not able to move. Almost crying Mr.Tatemen never felt so close to death and life. He knew everything was over. His time has finaly come. Whit his last forces he screamed like saying bye to life. And then it was total black out.

TO BE CONTINUED...

 

[Dawn]

Keep it going! It does move a bit too quickly, but the plot is interesting. It can be a bit hard to follow at times. Your punctuation and spelling could be better, but I am able to understand it. Can't wait to see what happens.

Maybe you could go back and develop the characters and the scenes a little more. That would add some depth.

 

[Holger]

I like the story very much! But yes, it moves on a little bit to fast.

To be honest: the spelling makes the story very foreign and interesting! It reads a little bit like how French people speak English ...

Carry on!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[Don Servente]

Im not very good at describing things. Puarps I need to write more often ,heres chapiters 3 and 4

Chapiter 3 : WHAT HAPPEN

It is slowy that Mr.Tatemen open his eye. Discovering the light for a long time. His eyes really hurted and his forces where very low. And like in heven everything was very white and very blury. Making it impossible for im to know where he was. He then focused to remember anything ,he slowly rememberd the last night screems, the yougn Enigme and his good friend Silver. The poor neibourhoud and the strange gentlemen. The Strong pain on his back ,the feeling of the cold and dirty street and that tolal black out. Everything was coming back in his mind and it started to make some sense. "I must had been badly hurt I am surely at the hospital" he tougth. He then close his eyes hoping for the best. Or so he thougt.

Mr.Tatemen slept for about five hours ,when he afther waked alredy feeling better. He then saw a silhouete of a man comming in the room. "He must be a doctor" he obviously thougt.

"Hello Mr.Tatemen ,how are you feeling ?!" asked the man

"I coud feel better doctor ,sorry to ask but your well a doctor arnt you ?!"

"Well of course my friend who do you think I was?!"

"I dont know ,We never know."

"I undesrstand."

Both man stoud there in silence for some minutes. Mr.tatemen coudnt take that noise of silence

"Well doctor am alrigth aint I ???!!!"

The doctor loudly clear is trought and then respond:

"Well I am sorry to informe you that your spine receved serious damaged"

Mr.Tatemen then intoruped the doctor

"Will I be able to walk again ???!!!"

"Hopefuly you will rewalked again but it will take serious time and a lot of hard work." responded the doctor

"I dont know if I shoud be glad."

"But still there is more serious thing ,I wish to talked about your vision."

"What ,what about my vison do you mean I alway see like this ??!!"

"Im really sorry sir" responded the doctor

"But how come ,I was hit at the back why do I see blury"

And then everything seem to move faster it all started to spin around. And everything seem to come lighter ,to the point he only saw a big white spot in front of him.

"Whats happening doctor" screemed the scared man

Still no response came fro the doctor. And next thing he knew he was in a black tunnel whit a flashy white light to the far away. The poor man was confused like no one. He then saw a figured. A familliar one it looked like Mr.Silver. He looked hurt. He needed help.

CHAPITER 4 : WHAT DIDNT HAPPEN

Dr.Landry a high school friend of Mr.Tatemen discuss in the hall of the hospital whit a nurse.

"For how long has he been sleeping ?!"

"Since he got here at 8am" responded the nurse

"And how is case"

"Stable we inject him some morphein and he seems for the moment alright" responded the nurse

"Good happy to heard that ,if he wakes up just call me alright."

The doctor return to his work a litte preocupated about his long time friend hoping for the best.

Some minutes later the nurse came to the chirurgy room where Dr.Landry was doign a hard and complicated chirurgy. Walking across the doctors and other nurses she talked in the Doctor heard.

"Dr.Landry, Mr.Tatemen just waked up"

Whit a furious looked on his face Dr.Landry violently screemed to the nurse.

"DONT YOU SEE AM BUSY ,WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TOO DO. KILL THIS PATIENT AND GO SEE IM ?!"

It was obvious that Dr.Landry was way too stresed whit is hard job ,but there was some truth to what he said. The nursed exscuse herself and got away.

Afther some minutes the doctor had finish his work and go straight to the Mr.Tatemen room. He kindly hit at the door and then enters.

"Hi Mr.Tatemen how are you feeling ?" politely ask the doctor

"Well I dont know it depends."

"Of what ?" ask the doctor

"Will I see or walk again ?!"

"Well of course what woud make you think you wondt?!."

"Wasnt I hit at the back ?"

"No my friend ,you see its sometimes happen when someone of your age does a lot of physical activities his muscels just give up."

"Am not that old doctor ,but its true I had to carry the yougn Enigme to the hospital sooner today."

"Well that was obviously too much for you."

Both man laugh for a moment ,when suddenly it hit im.

"Mr.Silver where is Mr.Silver"

TO BE CONTINUED...