Dreaming of a Nightmare--poem

[Vespertilio91]

Dreaming of a Nightmare

A nightmare--of a dream--
So silent, and so true.
All I want, all I need
Is to lie asleep with you.

Watching through the tinted glass
While everyone else lives,
And staring on, alone and cold
All that this World can give.

Asleep, so dead asleep,
To imagine each detail,
Dreaming the pain away from me
To let my soul set sail.

Edits? Questions? Reviews?

 

[GreenKnight]

Reminds me of Emily Dickinson, actually, both in the metre used and in the rather enigmatic content. Circling around the edge of ideas rather than being obvious in its meaning. Do you know her poems? The similarities are quite interesting.

 

[Poppy1]

I really like this poem Vespertilio, it's very poignant. Hope this is not a stupid question, but are you writing it as a human or vampire? - I can sort of see it from both angles.

 

[mrkgnao]

I liked this too. Enigmatic, as mentioned; and not simple nor straight-forward but rather possible to read in many different ways and on many layers (as Poppy shows ) - all of which are good things, IMO.
(My literary association was Poe's A Dream Within A Dream)

*mrkgnao*

 

[Vespertilio91]

Yes, I am familiar with Emily Dickinson; she is one of my favorite poets. I especially like her Hope is the Thing with Feathers. Her writing style is a favorite of mine, and I prefer to make the reader think rather than give them all the answers.

Poppy1, I am writing this as a human, and never thought about how a vampire could be the speaker in this. I never realized it...That was a great observation. I like that version quite a bit. It makes me think of how different people see things differently.

A Dream Within a Dream is one of my absolute favorites!!!

 

[stigmaticman]

mmmm.... yes! wonderful

nice flowcab

 

[stigmaticman]

The Two Elements

what goes around
comes around
a new field
to be planted

time to say
go grab the hay
it's yours
you can have it

said Pharroh to the workers of the fields

 

[Gee Zee]

I like this one. Thank you.

 

[sirmyk]

Is to lie asleep with you.

This line doesn't quite work for me. Something about the lie, perhaps.

The last line also works the tongue a bit.

To let my soul set sail.

"Soul set sail" sounds strange if said fast. Kinda hissy, unless that was the point. How about, "To set my soul at sail" or something like that, to help the line roll off the tongue nicely? Just suggestions, nothing more.

 

[Vespertilio91]

This line doesn't quite work for me. Something about the lie, perhaps.

You've got a point. I don't like that line very much, but I can't use "lay" because it's grammatically incorrect. Ideas???

The last line also works the tongue a bit. "Soul set sail" sounds strange if said fast. Kinda hissy, unless that was the point. How about, "To set my soul at sail" or something like that, to help the line roll off the tongue nicely? Just suggestions, nothing more.

I like the hissy.