*First time* untitled short story

[Didi_Gogo]

Okay. So. This is an excerpt from my first short story which I have yet to title... or revise. I've only let my best friend see it and now I'm about to let a bunch of people I don't know look at it, so I'm a bit nervous... ok, then... Here we go.

"'Rest now, old man,' he wheezed and placed his small, light pack on a mound of dirt. Slowly, and with great care, he lowered his quivering, archeic mass down onto the grown beside his pack. 'They can wait for you. Just rest." And so he did.
He had been traveling for a long while. So long, in fact, that he couldn't quite recall where he had come from or if he hadn't just been born on his feet, traveling. For that matter, it was rather difficult for him to remember why he had been traveling in the first place and why the desstination was so important. He decided that his mind was too weak from travel to ponder the subject and again shrugged it to the back of his mind.
With that he pulled an apple out of his small, light pack and began to devise a plan of attack on the unusually large fruit. After several minutes of unsuccessfull planning he came to the conclusion that his exhaustion out weighed his hunger and let the apple fall out of his knobby fingers and onto his lap."

Well... Okay then. That didn't really introduce any sort of plot, but it was more about main character development, I guess. There IS a plot, though.

 

[WriterJohnB]

There are some spelling problems and overwriting, such as using the word "travel" four times in one para. Just say he's exhausted and be done with it. Also, we know his pack is on the ground, why do you say "beside his pack?" Would someone so tired stare at an apple for "several minutes?" I'd suggest tightening it up (my suggestion below)so you don't bore the reader with inconsequential details. Hope that helps.

JohnB


'Rest now, old man,' he said to himself, wheezing. He placed his small, light pack on a mound of dirt. Slowly, and with great care, he lowered his quivering, archaicmass down onto the ground. 'They can wait for you. Just rest."
He had been traveling for a long while. So long, in fact, it was rather difficult for him to remember why he had been traveling in the first place. He pulled an apple out of his pack (You don't have to describe his pack twice, the exact same way.) and considered it. After a few seconds, he decided that his exhaustion out-weighed his hunger and let the apple fall out of his knobby fingers and onto his lap."

 

[Didi_Gogo]

Thank You very much! ^_^ I forgot to mention that I am terrible at spelling. I did notice the great amount of description of the pack which is not important, but the apple is very important to the story and I just wanted to draw it out I guess. It's mentioned two other times in the remander of the story, and it's a major symbol.

I also noticed that when dialogue starts up later on it seems like there might be too much of it. Is it bad to have too much dialogue and if so what sort of alternatives could there be?

 

[bleumana]

I also noticed that when dialogue starts up later on it seems like there might be too much of it. Is it bad to have too much dialogue and if so what sort of alternatives could there be?

It is bad to have pointless dialogue. Your dialogue should drive your story, advance your plot, give character depth, etc. If it doesn't have a point, get rid of it.

That can be true for every single sentence.

 

[Didi_Gogo]

Thanks bleumana! That's always been an issue. The part I had the hardest time with was a bit later on the in thstory when he gets into a pointless argument with someone. I wanted the conversation to start out friendly and kind and then slowly grow in frustration with one another to the point that one person barely even allows the other to finnish speaking before giving back a terse remark. How can I give this effect without the dialogue being too overbearing?

Though, when I saypointless it's pointless to the character at the time but it does have a point to the overall theme (the theme being pointlessness and man's shocking realization of it.). I want the character's dialogue to not nessicarily give a story all the time but to show their personalities and their opinions of each other and, most importantly, to be able to compare their personalities.

 

[bleumana]

well you will have to experiment and work it out. Rewrite, rewrite! That's the frust...I mean, fun part!

If the conversation/argument is a part of the character development/plot then include it. Maybe shorten it.

For an example of excellent dialogue being used to advance plot/develop characters you should check out Ernest Hemingway's super short story "Hills Like White Elephants".

Sometimes reading an example of a writing device can help us understand how to use it better.

 

[Didi_Gogo]

Wow. The dialogue is pretty much the ONLY thing you have to go on. That's amazing, but then again... that's Hemingway, I guess. I'm also deffinently relieved. Not that I overstepped any boundaries in my story, but it's often said that you have to know the rules before you can break them.