Hi all, new writer here

[thehardtdilemma]

Hi everyone,

I am a new writer and would like to get some constructive feedback.

It was a cold winter night in January 1943.

Alex Hardt stood quietly on the pier at the edge of Manhattan Island. He was motionless as he focused on the eerily beautiful New York City at night. The bright lights from the city seemed to challenge the heavenly glare from the stars above.

Alex sighed as he continued to puff on his cigarette. He shifted his attention to the small boats traversing the water. The rippling waves scattered the delicate beams of light. It was the most beautiful view of New York Alex had seen in a long time.

Lights from the city and from the stars above competed for territory on the water’s surface. Neither could gain an upper hand. The two sources created a scintillating reflection that made Alex smile for the first time in many weeks. He tried to continue to smile.

But his smile faded when he turned to the Statue of Liberty in the distance. She was the guardian of New York City. She was the symbolic defender of the American way.

Alex stared at the statue, pondering its significance to the city as well as the country. Alex shook his head and looked straight at the statue.

“What have you done?” Alex asked the statue rhetorically.

Jeff

 

[Stewart]

Sample

It was a cold winter night in January 1943.

Alex Hardt stood quietly on the pier at the edge of Manhattan Island. He was motionless as he focused on the eerily beautiful New York City at night. The bright lights from the city seemed to challenge the heavenly glare from the stars above.

Alex sighed as he continued to puff on his cigarette. He shifted his attention to the small boats traversing the water. The rippling waves scattered the delicate beams of light. It was the most beautiful view of New York Alex had seen in a long time.

Lights from the city and from the stars above competed for territory on the water’s surface. Neither could gain an upper hand. The two sources created a scintillating reflection that made Alex smile for the first time in many weeks. He tried to continue to smile.

But his smile faded when he turned to the Statue of Liberty in the distance. She was the guardian of New York City. She was the symbolic defender of the American way.

Alex stared at the statue, pondering its significance to the city as well as the country. Alex shook his head and looked straight at the statue.

“What have you done?” Alex asked the statue rhetorically.

Cold winter night in January? Rare things those. I'm looking forward to the warm summer ones in January.

Apart from other clumsy stuff, it doesn't really draw the reader in, does it?

 

[thehardtdilemma]

Hi Steward,

Thanks for taking the time to check out the first chapter.

I'm not realy sure what you mean by "clumsy stuff" and that it "doesn't draw the reader in." But you are the second person to say that (one of my readers said something similar to what you did), so I will definitely look into it.

Jeff

 

[Stewart]

I'm not realy sure what you mean by "clumsy stuff"

Let's look at the piece above then...

It was a cold winter night in January 1943.

Alex Hardt stood quietly on the pier at the edge of Manhattan Island. He was motionless as he focused on the eerily beautiful New York City at night. The bright lights from the city seemed to challenge the heavenly glare from the stars above.

Alex sighed as he continued to puff on his cigarette. He shifted his attention to the small boats traversing the water. The rippling waves scattered the delicate beams of light. It was the most beautiful view of New York Alex had seen in a long time.

Lights from the city and from the stars above competed for territory on the water’s surface. Neither could gain an upper hand. The two sources created a scintillating reflection that made Alex smile for the first time in many weeks. He tried to continue to smile.

But his smile faded when he turned to the Statue of Liberty in the distance. She was the guardian of New York City. She was the symbolic defender of the American way.

Alex stared at the statue, pondering its significance to the city as well as the country. Alex shook his head and looked straight at the statue.

“What have you done?” Alex asked the statue rhetorically.

Well, the bits in red are adverbs which, as any writer knows, are one of the things you are warned against as a writer. They are a horrible cop-out and tell the story for you when you, as a writer, should be showing it to the reader. The occasional adverb can be effective but three in one paragraph is sloppy.

The bits in blue are, in my opinion, a tad clumsy. Do we need to know it's January if you say winter? Or do you just need to say January because, by the month alone, we can tell it's winter?

"He was motionless as he focused" - Do we need to know that he is motionless? If so, do you need it so complicated?

"seemed" - Well, they either did or they didn't.

"as he continued to puff" - What cigarette? We had no idea he was smoking in the first place.

"He tried to continue to smile" - Reword this. And, for whose benefit is he trying?

Also, asking the statue rhetorically would seem to be an obvious thing since, of course, Alex wouldn't expect the statue to answer back.

And, the bits in purple, are your missed opportunities to get inside the head of your character. It's all fair and well that you are saying something is beautiful to him but, for the reader, it's dull and pedestrian. To create an effect you need to write your third person narrative from a character's perspective to engage the reader with the character so that the reader feels they are sharing the experience and not just being told it.

I'm not realy sure what you mean by " it doesn't draw the reader in."

Okay, aside from the stuff mentioned above, there's no action. All I see is a guy standing on a pier, not moving about, and have no access to his thoughts. I, as a reader, feel as if I'm standing at the other end of the pier. There's nothing to capture my attention.

 

[thehardtdilemma]

Hi Stewart,

Yeah, I definitely see what you mean now. Thanks for looking that deeply into the passage.

Well, I guess you can tell that this is the first novel I have written. I wrote screenplays for a few years and then gave up after failing to find anyone with whom to collaborate.


What do you suggest that I should do to help make the writing better?

Btw, are you a professional writer or a teacher? It seems that you know a great deal about what you're taking about.

Thanks,

Jeff

 

[sirmyk]

He kicks puppies... but to answer your question (I believe he will respond in similar fashion), take the advice he has already given you; it is good advice.

 

[G4G]

He kicks puppies....

After making friends with them.

 

[Stewart]

Hi Stewart,
What do you suggest that I should do to help make the writing better?

Go through all adverbs for a start and think of how you can replace them.

Rather than:

"Do you want to come back to my place?" he said suggestively.

"Do you want to come back to my place?" He winked at her, flashed a confident smile.

Not the best example, I'll admit, but it removes the adverb and shows that replacing adverbs can add more character. With the first example, the adverb is subjective and can mean anything; with the second it's explicit and you can tell this guy is a bit cocky.


Also, once you've written something, read it out to yourself. Some of the clumsier things become easier to spot. What about others to proofread the text?

Btw, are you a professional writer or a teacher?

No, just a hobbyist.

 

[thehardtdilemma]

Hey Stewart,

Sorry about the delay in posting.

I just survived my organic chem, genetics, microbio exams today and began Med school preparations

I asked a journalism student about the adverbs and she said that it's not a good idea to use them. But she also stated that the key is actually to not "overuse" them. For example, she pointed out that "heavenly" and "eerily" seem ok but the "quietly" needs to go.

Anyway, I've been trying to re-write this to sound correct, but it's harder than synthesizing para-Chlorophenol from a Cyclohexane. sorry, chem is still on my mind.

Have a great weekend (rest of it, anyway).

 

[ValkyrieRaven88]

Please do not get offended, but I'm going to offer some advanced critique. I am not trying to insult you, only help you, because I think this has potential.

It was a cold winter night in January 1943. This introduction is likely to make a reader close the book immediately. Cut this out and start out with the next paragraph instead. If you want to mention the date later, you should mention how cold your character is because it is January, or find some way to mention it in passing.

Alex Hardt stood quietly on the pier at the edge of Manhattan Island. He was motionless as he focused on the eerily beautiful New York City at night. To say he is motionless is unnecessary; the reader gets that from Alex standing quietly on the pier.The bright lights from the city seemed to challenge the heavenly glare from the stars above. Generally, in big cities you cannot see the stars at all. Is this what you were trying to say, or were you referring to the stars being visible?

Alex sighed as he continued to puff on his cigarette. He shifted his attention to the small boats traversing the water. The rippling waves scattered the delicate beams of light. It was the most beautiful view of New York Alex had seen in a long time. I like the beginning of this paragraph a lot, and the description of the light on water. But I think the last sentence would work better like "New York did not usually seem so beautiful to Alex" or something to that effect. That's just me; others may feel differently.

Lights from the city and from the stars above competed for territory on the water’s surface. Neither could gain an upper hand. The two sources created a scintillating reflection that made Alex smile for the first time in many weeks. He tried to continue to smile. You mentioned the stars and city lights "fighting" earlier. You also mentioned light on water before. Your readers may feel you're repeating yourself; can you merge those ideas where you mentioned it before? The last sentence sounds forced; it probably could be cut out and still achieve understanding.

But his smile faded when he turned to the Statue of Liberty in the distance. She was the guardian of New York City. She was the symbolic defender of the American way.

Alex stared at the statue, pondering its significance to the city as well as the country. Alex shook his head and looked straight at the statue. You've said "Alex looked at the statue" three times.

“What have you done?” Alex asked the statue rhetorically. Good ending! I like this!

You definitely need to work on some things but I think you are off to a good start. I hope you do well!

 

[Wabbit]

Please do not get offended, but I'm going to offer some advanced critique. I am not trying to insult you, only help you, because I think this has potential.

I'm simply curious. You say you are going to offer an "advanced critique." What are your writing credentials and qualifications? What experience and how many years have you had teaching or writing?

I claim no credentials. I simply enjoy the art of writing and story telling. My experience is 25 years+ of reading and writing. I know nothing. I can only offer my views for all that they are worth. Anyway, at the end of the day, that's just what it comes down to.

It was a cold winter night in January 1943. This introduction is likely to make a reader close the book immediately. Cut this out and start out with the next paragraph instead. If you want to mention the date later, you should mention how cold your character is because it is January, or find some way to mention it in passing.

Alex Hardt stood quietly on the pier at the edge of Manhattan Island. He was motionless as he focused on the eerily beautiful New York City at night. To say he is motionless is unnecessary; the reader gets that from Alex standing quietly on the pier.The bright lights from the city seemed to challenge the heavenly glare from the stars above. Generally, in big cities you cannot see the stars at all. Is this what you were trying to say, or were you referring to the stars being visible?

I don't agree with you. You say that to write "He was motionless" is pointless because it's obvious he is motionless because he is standing. You contradict yourself because you say you should mention how cold the character is because it's January. Isn't is obvious that January is cold?

Writing is not about description. Writing is about the evocation of place and feeling. Additional words such as "motionless" can certainly be in there if it conveys to the reader a sense of quite and stillness that the writer wants to convey the reader.

I do agree the first sentance is a bit clunky. I would personally write it as: "The black bleak winter of 1945 was the big freeze many would remember. Snow plagued, without mercy or respite."

Alex sighed as he continued to puff on his cigarette. He shifted his attention to the small boats traversing the water. The rippling waves scattered the delicate beams of light. It was the most beautiful view of New York Alex had seen in a long time. I like the beginning of this paragraph a lot, and the description of the light on water. But I think the last sentence would work better like "New York did not usually seem so beautiful to Alex" or something to that effect. That's just me; others may feel differently.

Lights from the city and from the stars above competed for territory on the water’s surface. Neither could gain an upper hand. The two sources created a scintillating reflection that made Alex smile for the first time in many weeks. He tried to continue to smile. You mentioned the stars and city lights "fighting" earlier. You also mentioned light on water before. Your readers may feel you're repeating yourself; can you merge those ideas where you mentioned it before? The last sentence sounds forced; it probably could be cut out and still achieve understanding.

Stars and light are two differnt things. I don't see how it's repetition. Although, yes, it's not a good idea to repeat there are times when it can be used as a tool. If your story's central theme is one of repeating cycles then repetition can be a tool to convey to your reader what you are trying to get across. Also, you can use repetition if you want to enforce an idea. For example: If a dripping tap is central to an event or a theme you could use the same sentence or words over and over again. You can even use repetition to link to events in the readers mind.

Alex stared at the statue, pondering its significance to the city as well as the country. Alex shook his head and looked straight at the statue. You've said "Alex looked at the statue" three times.

I agree with you here. In this case repetition isn't needed and some other descriptives should be used instead or even have the sentence cut out.

“What have you done?” Alex asked the statue rhetorically. Good ending! I like this!

I would put more emotion into this ending. What is the character feeling?

 

[ValkyrieRaven88]

You don't need to be Stephen King to offer advanced critique, you know.

 

[Doug Johnson]

There's nothing to capture my attention.

I agree. I'd get rid of it all and start with the moment things start to change: the moment things turn bad for the hero.

 

[Wabbit]

You don't need to be Stephen King to offer advanced critique, you know.

Never said you did You said, "advanced critique." Unless you are a writer ( this means published, or paid to write, or have many years experience ) then all you are offering is your basic opinion.

 

[Stewart]

Er, what credentials does Stephen King have as regards critique?

 

[ValkyrieRaven88]

Never said you did You said, "advanced critique." Unless you are a writer ( this means published, or paid to write, or have many years experience ) then all you are offering is your basic opinion.

When I said advanced critique, I was referring to the fact that I'm not just saying "it's good" or "it's bad" but am going into detail. The word "advanced" was meant to modify "critique." I never intended to say that I was necessarily advanced, although I have it from reliable sources that I am at least above average.