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Hurricane Katrina

For a 13 year old i reckon is pretty good. Though i agree you do need more dialogue.
also tom got hit by a bullet 2 or 3 times and still managed to walk around for the rest of the story. when you write something into the story like that you should bring it up throughout the story. like the next morning jane could have asked tom how his leg was? or when they met george he could ask why tom was limping and give him a bandage or tell him not to mess up the carpets or something just a friendly suggestion :)

practice makes perfect, but no one is perfect so why practice?? because then u feel good about yourself when you get as close to perfect as you can :p

keep it up deathscape:)
 
*~EMMER~* said:
For a 13 year old i reckon is pretty good. Though i agree you do need more dialogue.
also tom got hit by a bullet 2 or 3 times and still managed to walk around for the rest of the story. when you write something into the story like that you should bring it up throughout the story. like the next morning jane could have asked tom how his leg was? or when they met george he could ask why tom was limping and give him a bandage or tell him not to mess up the carpets or something just a friendly suggestion :)

practice makes perfect, but no one is perfect so why practice?? because then u feel good about yourself when you get as close to perfect as you can :p

keep it up deathscape:)
Click to expand...

Thanks, here's where you can read the second one: http://forums.thebookforum.com/showthread.php?t=7933
 
*~EMMER~* said:
For a 13 year old i reckon is pretty good. Though i agree you do need more dialogue.
also tom got hit by a bullet 2 or 3 times and still managed to walk around for the rest of the story. when you write something into the story like that you should bring it up throughout the story. like the next morning jane could have asked tom how his leg was? or when they met george he could ask why tom was limping and give him a bandage or tell him not to mess up the carpets or something just a friendly suggestion :)

practice makes perfect, but no one is perfect so why practice?? because then u feel good about yourself when you get as close to perfect as you can :p

keep it up deathscape:)
Click to expand...

George killed Tom.
 
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