I Was Alone

[nighthawk]

Hi! This is the shortest one I have, so just take a deep breath (or I will, first time I've gone public) O well here goes... be gentle with me!!!

I Was Alone

I stood at the rim of the abyss and looked down
I was alone

And when I teetered and fell
hurtling into the depths of despair
I was alone

But when I lay broken
lost without hope
I whispered 'I love you!' and called out your name
And swiftly, on gossamer wings,
as I called out
you came.


'Happy New Year'
Best wishes, Nighthawk

 

[hay82]

I'm no genius at commenting other peoples work but I'll just say what I thought when I read it.
I would like it to be more descriptive of the persons emotions, I would like to know a little bit about the person relationsship to the one he/she calls out to.
Some of the people here will probably tell you something more usefull, but that was what came to me as I read it.

 

[Crystal]

I would like it to be more descriptive of the persons emotions, I would like to know a little bit about the person relationsship to the one he/she calls out to.

Maybe there is not any relationship between them. maybe it's just an illusion, a wish, a hope. maybe it's just her/his last despair, or a cry before the jump.
maybe the writer just want to convey an idea that Love is something that can rescure the person, something that can make things very different.

G'dnight

 

[hay82]

Maybe there is not any relationship between them. maybe it's just an illusion, a wish, a hope. maybe it's just her/his last despair, or a cry before the jump.
maybe the writer just want to convey an idea that Love is something that can rescure the person, something that can make things very different.

Didn't see it that way, but I can see it now and it is a nice way to view it... Hate when people are smarter than me
Good nigth to you..

 

[Crystal]

Didn't see it that way, but I can see it now and it is a nice way to view it... Hate when people are smarter than me
Good nigth to you..

Aye... I could be totally wrong.

 

[Wabbit]

I really liked it. Actually, it's style seems a bit like something I might write myself. Good stuff. I hope you post some more!

 

[Eugen]

visualising

Hi Nighthawk,

I'm relatively new to this forum. Reading through your poem, it didn't completely draw me because you told more than showed. If you chose imagery that portrayed the hope, the emptiness, perhaps the love... Sometimes even the most abstract or impassive images - a stone, chipping in a cup, a weed, looking out a fogged window - without explaining the mood, can greatly lift your piece.

 

[nighthawk]

Hi everyone... Thanks for your comments was a bit like walking naked there for a moment. I should leave you to your own interpretations really but Watercrystal picked up my vibe.. Love, when it is really 'true' love is everything I think and does conquer all, afterall what is religion if it is not faith and love? For some it is worth dying for. No? Mustn't get on my soapbox. Thanks again for your comments, especially words from the Maestro, so now I've braved the waters so to speak it will give me encouragement.

 

[Wabbit]

Sure, have the arrogance of creation! It's always a little hard at first. Some people ( in the future ) my be harsh critics of what you do. Keep an open mind to the comments but also you need to have a thick skin and believe with a glowing passion in what you are doing! Keep on posting. Give your works the wings

 

[Eugen]

Criticism of one's work can be a hard pill to swallow, especially if it's not well put, and if you've spent good sweat on it. It helps to filter observations and take what helps you. Trash the rest, saying I don't give a stuff; I'll develop my own style. I'm good... Sometimes looking at what you wrote two week's later, you'll see how better it could be and two weeks later still, you develop eyes to polish it to perfection - maybe. SillyWabbit has a point there; as a writer one needs sensitivity to delve into intrinsic human emotion but strength enough to buffer against criticism. Not all is deserved, trust me, so never take it to heart. And sometimes, you write far better in the revised work, just to prove them wrong! I'm no guru on poetry, keep heart, eh? Have a shot, critique my piece!