Internet Friendships and Such

[Irene Wilde]

Among the many reasons to join this or any forum, one reason is to find people with whom you share common interests. I find that remaining at a forum long enough to get a feel for what it's really like, sooner or later I'm reading some posts with more interest than others. I'll read the threads started by certain members before I read others. And out of such things, friendships are born. Not always, but sometimes.

I know some people who classify their friendships. They have their "real" friends and they have their "cyber" friends. Maybe a "cyber" friend becomes a "real" friend if there is an opportunity to meet that person in the "real" world. Other people I know don't make that distinction -- a friend is a friend and that is that. The difference is that some of these friendship can only exist because of the technology that allows for instant global communication, and because forums like this one exist wherein people from all over the world can find common interests.

The downside is when the technology fails. Without computers to provide the means of communication, most of us are too busy or too lazy to write long letters which will take time to travel via snail mail to a destination where they will sit until someone finds the time to read them, and maybe remembers to and finds the time to reply. Today, a dear friend of mine moved and will no longer have access to a computer (and we are not rich people who can afford to call around the world to each other by telephone). We are both old enough to know that any "promise" to stay in touch is bound to be broken. Sending off that last e-mail, smiling through tears, and sensing a certain finality in that last "your mail has been sent" has left me empty and deflated inside.

But it does make, possibly, for an interesting topic of conversation. How seriously do people here take their "cyber" friendships? When does someone stop being a "cyber" friend and become "real" like the Velveteen Rabbit (please note the book reference)? Do you have a "cyber" friend that makes you wish you lived on the other end of the globe so you could be neighbors and barbecue at each other's houses on Sundays?

 

[hay82]

Sorry that you are loosing a friend Irene.

I don't make a much of a distinction between friends on the internet and others. I have friends I would be sad to lose and would like to meet. I enjoy the conversations we have and look forward to them. There are things one has to adjust to, like different timezones and cultures, but that just adds to the experience.

The problem with the internet is, as you say, that you can easily lose that friend, due to a lot of reasons, and there isn't really a lot you can do about it. Mail is slow, calling cost to much, moving means you might have to cut off other friends.

 

[Dogtanian]

Very Interesting topic. I a member of a few other forums and have met people face to face as a result of getting to know them online. Infact, a few of those only work a few streets away so I see them fairy regulary and we always meet up for a few drinks etc....I class them as mates as opposed cyber friends

You don't neccessary need to meet your 'cyber' friends for them to be your real friends. Just because you first interacted with them online doesn't make it any different in my opinion than meeting them in the pub/club. I speak to them on the phone, text them, email them etc... You can never have too many people you get on with.

I've never had a relationship with someone I have met online......but thats not too say it couldn't happen. I wouldn't rule it out.

 

[Motokid]

There are very few here that I would not jump at the chance to share a beer with, or a cup of coffee. Sometimes however, it's better to leave things alone when they are working.

 

[Irene Wilde]

I'm one of those that does not make the distinction between "cyber" and "real." I am no so popular that I can afford to devalue a friendship because of where it began. And honestly, I think the friendships I have with people I've met online are stronger than so-called "real" friendships because they are based on more than proximity. I mean, you make friends (hopefully) with your neighbors or your co-workers because they are people you see all the time -- that more than anything is your common bond. But the friendships that began on a forum, those are stronger, regardless of the distances involved, because we share more in the way we think and communicate our ideas, and yet these friendships are the most fragile because they are technology based, and technology can be a frustratingly imperfect thing. Wow! That was a really long and rambling sentence!

 

[hay82]

The thing that is missing in an internet friendship is the bodylanguage and the tone of voice, unless you use webcam and microphone. This can be a bit annoying and lead to misunderstandings. I think it's easier to open up when you write to people, that makes the conversation more personal and can make you closer friends.

 

[Irene Wilde]

The thing that is missing in an internet friendship is the bodylanguage and the tone of voice, unless you use webcam and microphone. This can be a bit annoying and lead to misunderstandings. I think it's easier to open up when you write to people, that makes the conversation more personal and can make you closer friends.

You know...it's a funny thing because it's something I never thought about before. But when I've met friends face-to-face that I'd first met on the computer, I've found their body language, gestures, and so forth, to be pretty much as I've envisioned them. A great deal of personality can come through someone's writing. Would anyone hear be surprised to find I use a lot of hand gesturing when I speak? I don't think so. I think it comes across in my writing.

And here's a funny story. This chum that I am losing and I decided, since one of us had had a financial windfall of some sort, that we would talk on the telephone to see if it felt any different than talking online. We had an hour's conversation, which flew by, and was in every way just like our conversations online, which is to say, not all serious nor about anything in particular. The funny part was, after the conversation over, we both went back online to ask each other how we thought it went!

 

[jenn]

i've never really done the cyber thing before. but i will say this, there are people on this forum that i have become very attached to. how could you not. i am on here everyday and share bits of my life and vice-versa. given the opportunity i would definitely meet with them. what an interesting dinner party that would be.
like irene i don't make the distinction. a friend is a friend regardless of the fprm in which that friendship is shared.

i was sooooo tempted to use "irregardless".

 

[Ronny]

Well I'm fairly new to forums, I was getting on the internet to catch my hubby on IM, our prime means of communicating these days and started looking around to pass the time. I have yet to really get to know anyone well but enjoy reading all the different opinions, debates and such, must of my friends are kind of the same and we can get stuck in the same conversations over and over. I always thought the notion of personal relationships starting up on line was a bit far fetched but then my father met my stepmom online they seem perfectly suited to each other.

I rambled a bit too, but I guess while I have no experience making friends online I believe it's possible and worked perfectly for my Dad.

 

[Freya]

Hmmm. Pretty much the only reason I'm so constantly on the internet is keeping up with real life friends. We're pretty scattered all over the place now (in fact one very close friend is in Surrey and another is in Chile, sob). Whilst I was in Newcastle I was even further removed from them. Now I also keep in contact with people from Newcastle, friendships that I'm sure otherwise would have slipped away, because I doubt any of us could be bothered with letters or phone calls. Messengers and email is just so free and convinient.

To answer the question, yes I draw big distinctions between internet and real life friends. I have quite a collection of internet people now (in fact could be time for another purge) and I have to admit that often I far prefer the internet people to the real life ones. Like you said Irene, friendships formed over more of a common interest than just that we went to the same school or lived together in halls. But the internet people tend to just be there for when there are no real life people around to play with. Which to be honest, I think is healthier.

I did meet up with a few online people once - kind of friends of friends - possibly one of the more entertaining weekends of my short life. The only boring bit was when someone whipped their laptop out and everyone insisted on checking in on their emails and forums and games and such. Actually, no, that was quite funny too. I don't know how I'd feel about meeting my own internet friends though. Scared mainly.

 

[Ice]

Interesting question I don't differentiate between real friends and cyber friends - to me they are all just friends. I tend to talk more often with people I have met on forums etc than I do with friends I've known all my life (via IM or similar). I can see exactly what you mean when you say that friendships which begin online are often stronger as you have more in common. I class the people I work with as 'friends' but we have very little interests in common outside of work (though most of the people I work with are 20+ years older than me). However they are, as you say, fragile. I still remember people I have talked to over the years on the internet that I would class as friends even though we no longer keep in touch for one reason or another. However, I've never actually picked up the phone and spoken to someone I've met online (I did try an voice chat once which was highly entertaining but extremely awkward).

Saying that, we now go camping several times a year with a group of friends, the majority of whom we met for the first time in a chat forum

 

[Irene Wilde]

Hmmm...I've never been scared to meet an online chum. Though we have always met in public places in broad daylight, people have known where I've gone and when to expect me back, and all those sensible things, I think it's just, having communicated for so long, we knew what to expect so there was no real fear factor.

I guess I do make a distinction between "internet people" and actual friends,though. "Internet people" I chat with in the open forums, exchange the odd e-mail with, and if they wander off, they might be missed, but more always come along. Friends are the ones who I share daily life with, we exchange pictures, talk about our kids, our lives, all the ups and downs. They are the ones I talk to almost daily, if not several times a day, despite the time differences that may be involved.

 

[Ice]

I'm actually the opposite - my closest friend I see maybe four/five times a year - even though we only live about 1hr from each other, we'll email every few weeks which is nothing compared to how often I correspond/talk to some internet friends. However we both know that the other will always be there if we should ever need anything - to me that is true friendship

 

[Freya]

Hmmm...I've never been scared to meet an online chum. Though we have always met in public places in broad daylight, people have known where I've gone and when to expect me back, and all those sensible things, I think it's just, having communicated for so long, we knew what to expect so there was no real fear factor.

Aaah the fear is because I'm a big scaredy cat Fear that they won't meet my expectations, and fear that I won't meet theirs.

I guess I do make a distinction between "internet people" and actual friends,though.

Me too, by internet people I meant internet friends. Ones that I spend a LOT of time talking to. Worrying amounts!

 

[Irene Wilde]

Me too, by internet people I meant internet friends. Ones that I spend a LOT of time talking to. Worrying amounts!

That leads into a discussion over internet addiction, which I don't even want to think about.

 

[Martin]

Fascinating question.

Let me start by saying this - I'm not a very social person (shock! Let the joking start). With this I mean that I am not like, say, my brother, who asks everyone he meets for their number, to add them to his already gargantuan phonebook; and considers each and every one of them a close friend. I can count my friends on one hand. On four fingers if you exclude my girlfriend. All the other people I regularly meet and talk to and go out with and all, they're buds, chums, mates, pals, but never more than that.

I'm like that on the internet, too. I've met many people I hit it off with, had a connection with, but only a very few (we're talking 2 people here) I'd consider a friend; a true friend. And it is only those two people that I'd feel comfortable meeting. All the other people, the buds, chums, etc., I'd only feel awkward, and that would definitely turn the entire meeting into a fiasco.

I'm just rather picky, I guess.

Cheers

 

[Freya]

That leads into a discussion over internet addiction, which I don't even want to think about.

I'm not addicted. I'm just chained to the computer For the next TWO WEEKS anyway yippee See my glee But then all my interweb friends will be lost as I might have to get a proper 9-5 job or something. Gutted!

 

[Irene Wilde]

I'm not addicted.

Good. 'Cause if you're not addicted, then I'm certainly not addicted!

 

[Freya]

Well we're both happy then Irene

 

[Irene Wilde]

However we both know that the other will always be there if we should ever need anything - to me that is true friendship

I think that's it. What matters isn't how you met, but that you can have that kind of faith and trust in each other.