Is My Writing Getting Any Better? HELP

[Ell]

Bless you, OReillysRose. You have taken up the gauntlet. Perhaps you can get through to Pontiac. Many here have tried with little success.

Until Pontiac (aka AquaBlue) is willing to do re-writes, I don't think there's much hope for improvement.

Are you listening, Pontiac?

 

[Isabell]

Bless you, OReillysRose. You have taken up the gauntlet. Perhaps you can get through to Pontiac. Many here have tried with little success.

Until Pontiac (aka AquaBlue) is willing to do re-writes, I don't think there's much hope for improvement.

Are you listening, Pontiac?

YES YES YES!
Thank you OReillysRose- but you have wasted your time here.

Carlos- give it up already, as many have mentioned, you write but don't stick around for the feedback. Seriously, what's the point of any of us to respond in the first place?

Why don't you go back to puedo-reading your books?

 

[seedeeaaa]

So - what is your reply, AquaBlue/Pontiac? We are waiting.

 

[Libra]

I am feeling generous today and have some time to kill, so I will offer some critique on another of your 'Brainstorms', for you to ignore, skim, or take on board and give you an opportunity to actually do something productive with your writing. The choice is yours.



Good opening sentence, the unexpected comparison, but 'orangutan' doesn't need a capital O.



Hideous sentence. Firstly, you mean "oversized" and "stuck out his chops" is ugly. At the very least you could have said "stuck out of his chops". Hanging out of his mouth is what I think you mean and it is what you should have simply said. "Lolling" might have worked too. At a push.



"Casually" does not quite fit with "stuck" in the previous sentence. Also, is fruit ever eaten formally? It's just not good. And is the fruit being swallowed with his lip folds? Or by his lip folds? And what the hell does his mouth look like anyway? I have a very B-movie image in mind of this character.



Do you mean he sat "heavily"? What is a low-set cushion - do you mean low down? Positioned low? Of low position? "Low-set" isn't a good phrase and not one used in common vernacular. But you remembered the hyphen and that's a big thumbs up.

A book open on his lap? Or an opened book on his lap? Decide which you prefer but get it right.



I don't like "within eye-shot", it's a little odd. His eye-shot or yours? Do you mean he can see you or you can see him without being seen? Be clear on what you mean. And say it simply.



Dear lord. You don't really need to say that the name made him "human" - real, yes, but not human. He is human regardless of name. A name on an inhuman thing could make it human - but a name on a human doesn't make him more human.

"In my private analysis" is just awful. The reader can think you know. A reader is a fairly intelligent beast. In this passage you are making your thoughts known. Thoughts. You are not speaking to anyone else, no other characters, which makes "private" completely superfluous. And "analysis" is a 10 dollar word when you just needed a 1 dollar word. You could completely do without the "in my private analysis" and it wouldn't alter your point about the name making him real at all. And, here's the bonus, it would make your writing better.



"and that made Henry an interesting character" is pedestrian, passive and an extremely uninteresting clause. Ironically, it does the opposite to your point too.



Too many words cloud your point, Pontiac. First of all, it is 'greeted' and not "greeting" as you have written. This garbled sentence throws up many, many frustrated questions. This passage begins as a reflection on the first time you have seen him. Now, you suggest that you pass him a lot - either you pass him occasionally or you occasionally nod at him on a few of your passings.

And a head nod? What else would one nod with? You don't really need to say "head nod" unless you intend to add 'mouth said", "foot walked", or "ear heard" to your writing.




Again, you are suggesting that you always see this man, but this is about your first impression unless you signposted a move away from that. Which you didn't.

"Some type of fleeting bliss" - Too much - it's either fleeting bliss or it isn't. Unless there are many kinds of fleeting bliss and you are just too lazy to pinpoint which one you meant. Just say "fleeting bliss" and leave it at that.

Here you also pack in 100 dollar words with the incongruous nickel word. "Fleeting bliss...illuminate...rigorous nobility" up against "mug". Mmmmm, smooth writing style. Contrast by all means if there is a point. Don't if Roget is helping you along the way.

"Stone cold" has a hyphen. Nuff said.

Now, how about re-writing this again and letting us see what you come up with?

Oh, ok, then.

I like when people are generous and have time to kill.

 

[Peder]

Answering the original question. Maybe I'm 100% wrong -- I don't have comparison posts in front of me -- but yes, AQB, from what I remember, I think your writing has been getting better. Not perfect yet, as you can see from the detailed and generous commentary, but improving. I am also impressed that you keep coming up with different ideas for story lines.

 

[SFG75]

He had an oversize chunk of banana flesh stuck out his chops.

I don't know AQ, I think you should keep this line. It makes you sound like Palahniuk. You really have something here. The banana reference is something that I find very appealing.

 

[elled]

Hi Pontiac

I can't really say much since I have not seen earlier efforts, being new here. I can make a few comments and you decide what to take on board with no hard feelings I hope.
grammar, spelling, construction--check but I think in this sentence orangutan (not upper case)
stuck out of his chops
not sure what you mean by slow inward folds, I assume you mean they move slowly so you might change that to make it a definitive action
sat heavy--adverb following verb which would be heavily (general rule which you can break, don't use adverbs to excess but use strong verbs that do the job for you)--did he plop down? squat down? crouch?---
Now again, I don't know where this fits in the overall story. If it is the opening paragraph (the hook) I think it has to be stronger. Quick pace and get rid of anything that does not need to be there.
Most editors and agents can tell by the first paragraph whether they want or need to continue so it has to be strong, compelling and perfectly constructed.
I hope that helps you and no offense is intended.

Elle

The first time I saw Henry he reminded me of an Orangutan. He had an oversize chunk of banana flesh stuck out his chops. Casually the fruit disappeared into his throat with the slow inward folds of his lips. He sat heavy on a low-set cushion seat by the biography section; an open book on his lap. I was behind a study table within eye-shot of the tramp, the nameless patron I called Henry. The name made him real, human, in my private analysis.

He was flesh and bone; he possessed emotions and he carried a story, his story, and that made Henry an interesting character. When in passing I greeting him, occasionally, with a head nod. My gesture would always spark some type of fleeting bliss in Henry that made his stone cold mug illuminate with rigorous nobility; his facial features gave way to a crooked smile, exposing the few teeth still trapped in his gums.