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Lipstick (poem)

novella

Active Member
Though no one here seems interested in poetry or original writing very much at the moment, I shall post another poem.



Lipstick
Once upon a wish there was a star
glinting in the coin-filled fountain
casting shadows from the burial mountain
as the gypsy ran her hand along the scar

Does everyone wish to change
or just be more of what they are,
which, the more you know, the more grows strange
As strange as mother, strange as father was,

Though you pretended they were just their faces
their voices, the things they chose to tell
the ordinary surfaces and verbal carapaces
over the wet mouth of a dark and poisoned well.

In spite of that, the dark well seeped and stained it all.
At night father lay awake until he heard his wife
Finish her lipstick writing on the long white wall,
Which he painted over that very day: I hate this life.

We smelled the milk of paint and saw the white
And beneath, the oily red, trying to be heard
But it was best to say it looked fresh and bright
And mother went to bed without a word.
 
novella said:
Though no one here seems interested in poetry or original writing very much at the moment, I shall post another poem.

I'm interested in reading your poetry, but I'm not qualified to comment on it. It seems to carry sadness and reflection?

Please keep writing. :)

TMG
 
novella said:
...no one here seems interested in poetry or original writing very much at the moment...
One of the reasons I stopped posting in this section... for now.

By the way, I wish to change... I wish to put on some lipstick every once in a while.
 
third man girl said:
I'm interested in reading your poetry, but I'm not qualified to comment on it. It seems to carry sadness and reflection?

Of course you are qualified. It's an open forum.

At the very least you can say whether you liked it or not, why you liked it or didn't, and highlight certain expressions or images that really helped you see the scene/action or those that just didn't feel right, or lacked context.
 
Stewart said:
Of course you are qualified. It's an open forum.

:)

At the very least you can say whether you liked it or not

No I can't. Because I can't decide. I liked that it provoked emotion within me, because emotion is a good thing. But the emotion it provoked was one of sadness. Which is NOT a good thing. It was a poem which began with hope. But hope died in the final line.

I would have been interested to read the 'raw' poem before you (Novella) had tidied it up and made it rhyme and fitted it into stanzas. The initial images were so strong and I felt that by tidying it in this way that you tamed the poem slightly.

If I'm talking rubbish, just tell me. :)

TMG
 
third man girl said:
:)




I would have been interested to read the 'raw' poem before you (Novella) had tidied it up and made it rhyme and fitted it into stanzas. The initial images were so strong and I felt that by tidying it in this way that you tamed the poem slightly.

If I'm talking rubbish, just tell me. :)

TMG

This is actually a first draft. There's no 'raw' form. I just decided to write a poem and this is what came out. The first stanza is obviously a warm-up and should probably be discarded, and there are parts that aren't rich enough.

What's wrong with reading something sad? I enjoy art that's full of pathos sometimes.

BTW, thanks very much for commenting. Absolutely not rubbish.
 
novella said:
The first stanza is obviously a warm-up and should probably be discarded

Oh - but I LOVE the first two lines. That's what drew me into the poem in the first place.

What's wrong with reading something sad?

Nothing at all. I'm sorry - I didn't explain myself well. I meant that the poem made ME feel sad and therefore it wasn't good for ME. I didn't mean that sadness was wrong. I wasn't being objective enough.

TMG
 
Okay, not much of a poetry person, but...

You mentioned the first stanza being rubbish:

I don't think it is entirely without merit. I think it sets the tone for the "wishing to change" thoughts in the next stanza. I would definitely change the "Once upon a star..." thing, though. I thought it was a little contrived.

I thought you brought it home really well.

It made me think.

Now I have a headache. :D
 
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