Locked (another random)

[Stella Leanna]

Once again, I fail at conjuring up a title appropriate for the poem. But yeah, it does kinda fit (haha) but I think there's a better title for it! So like the thread title said, this is another one of my randoms, but it still needs work. Comments, corrections, suggestions, all will be appreciated. Thank you.

PS. Don't pay attention to form anymore. It sucks. =)


Locked in a room with you...
Nothing but us, swirling bits of dust and memories,
And the faint glow of an orange lightbulb,
Outlining our faces in golden shadows,
As we stare at each other in silence.

You take a step closer towards me,
And I lean back against the wall with doubt and fear,
Unwilling to give in to the radiance
Emanating from your brilliant eyes...

You corner me and place one hand on my shoulder,
The other cupping my chin
And the flame of desire inside me bursts, and I melt,
Feeling your burning kisses, forever to be scars on my body.

And the bulb goes out, but instead of seeing darkness,
I see your eyes, still aflame with intense passion...
And once again we are inseparable,
Held together by our love, by time and space...

And the lightbulb flickers.

 

[Salvaged]

Once again, I fail at conjuring up a title appropriate for the poem.

After reading it, I think "and the lightbulb flickers" would be cool. Kind of ties everything together, too

You corner me and place one hand on my shoulder
The other cupping my chin

This line doesn't sit right. It sounds too blunt. Perhaps some abstract imagery thrown in there?

And the flame of desire inside me bursts, and I melt,
Feeling your burning kisses, forever to be scars on my body.

Awesome visualization there! Masterful way of taking your thoughts and molding them into words! Especially like the "flame of desire inside me bursts" bit.

Overall, I liked it. Might be an overly used poetical situation, but that doesn't matter in art (especially poetry) because it's such a personal form or reality. Keep creating, my friend!

<Salvaged>

 

[Stella Leanna]

After reading it, I think "and the lightbulb flickers" would be cool. Kind of ties everything together, too

Awesome! I'm writing that one down in my notebook right now!!! =D

This line doesn't sit right. It sounds too blunt. Perhaps some abstract imagery thrown in there?

Sadly, I found that bitty quite awkward too. It's like trying too hard to have both hands in action. I'm changing that! =D

What about:
"But lust seems to quicken its pace,
the wall inside me crumbles..."

Bah, that doesn't sound too good either. But it's better than the cupping chin part, haha! =D I'm going to post here when I get inspired

Awesome visualization there! Masterful way of taking your thoughts and molding them into words! Especially like the "flame of desire inside me bursts" bit.

Overall, I liked it. Might be an overly used poetical situation, but that doesn't matter in art (especially poetry) because it's such a personal form or reality. Keep creating, my friend!

Thank you very much! What you posted is exactly what I'm looking for =)
Again, thank you!!!! =)

 

[piedro]

nice one

i somehow felt as if it was a real experience for you. now whether i was right or whether that was the beauty of your poetry, doesnt matter

i liked the last paragraph especially, it conveyed the emotions brilliantly

as we stare at each other in silence

hmm.. maybe this line can be better. it just sounds like a statement.
maybe some emotion or memory in that line??

i am not a poet though.....

 

[Stella Leanna]

nice one

i somehow felt as if it was a real experience for you. now whether i was right or whether that was the beauty of your poetry, doesnt matter

i liked the last paragraph especially, it conveyed the emotions brilliantly


hmm.. maybe this line can be better. it just sounds like a statement.
maybe some emotion or memory in that line??

i am not a poet though.....

Awww thank you for appreciating its beauty and it's good that it appeared it was a real experience for me, because it wasn't. =)

And that line... hmm.. I have my notebook with me right now. I may have to think of something better. Thanks for the comment, I'll be working on it.

 

[Stella Leanna]

nice one

hmm.. maybe this line can be better. it just sounds like a statement.
maybe some emotion or memory in that line??

i am not a poet though.....

I tried the line "as we are swallowed up by silence...:

Did that sound better?

And even though you don't consider yourself a poet, I still appreciate the comments. =)

 

[Buddy Knox]

nice piece... the beginning was very strong. there were a few parts were i felt the descriptions were overdone, but overall... nice.

 

[Stella Leanna]

nice piece... the beginning was very strong. there were a few parts were i felt the descriptions were overdone, but overall... nice.

Thanks Buddy

And I expect to see some of the songs you've written on this forum soon =)

 

[Buddy Knox]

they're coming, toots.

 

[Stella Leanna]

woopee!

 

[piedro]

I tried the line "as we are swallowed up by silence...:

Did that sound better?

And even though you don't consider yourself a poet, I still appreciate the comments. =)

yeah much better

 

[Stella Leanna]

yeah much better

Good.