J.M. Brown
New Member
This is the prologue for a thriller novel that I wrote. Would anyone care to give me some feedback on it. Good, bad, improvements are all welcome.
Pretty Maidens All In A Row
Prologue
Sweat, mixed with hot tears, made fresh tracks through the blood on her face. She bravely fought the hysteria that was crawling from her belly to her throat, leaving waves of nausea in its wake. The staleness of the room was overwhelming and the meager light wafting through the tiny windows did nothing to dispel the gloom. Dust filled her nostrils, and her tongue stuck to the roof of her mouth. She felt her body quaking from head to toe with shock and fear.
She licked her lips frantically, and was horrified to taste blood. Her heart ached as the enormity of the loss shook her to the very core, but there was no time to mourn. The room reeked of the unique, heavy tang of sweat, blood and madness as she forced herself to look at the monster that had them. She knew that he was going to do unspeakable things to them before he killed them and her heart pounded like a giant gong inside her chest, sending reverberations through her bodymaking her hands feel numb.
He was crazed as he cursed and argued with someone only he could see. His shirt, once clean before forcing them into the car, was now spattered with precious blood, which had left a delicate pattern across his chest. He didn’t notice, as he terrorized them. Gradually, through the madness, she realized that she was bound to the chair with scarves. She sensed that he was trying to be gentle and the hateful growls were not directed towards her. He kept saying that he was trying to save her for God’s sake. Moaning, she started to work the binds and her heart gave a leap when she realized that the scarves were bound around her hightop sneakers, not her ankles.
"Leave her alone, you bastard!" she screamed with all the strength that her frozen vocal cords would allow. It came out like a squeaky wheel that desperately needed oil, but it got his attention. He stopped raving, mid-sentence, and stared at her disbelievingly, his eyes bulging from their sockets.
"What?" His voice was deceptively soft, as though he was one of her teachers, coaxing a shy student to take part in class. The sickening irony of it filled her with disgust and shestrived to calm herself, to get his attention.
"Please," she begged," she’s a good person. Please leave her alone!"
He snorted foully, bending towards her and she forced herself not to gag at his loathsome breath which blanketed her face.
"Ah Mary Elizabeth, so innocent, so very innocent.” He nodded his head like an indulgent parent talking to a dim-witted child. She gritted her teeth in frustration and furiously worked the scarves that bound her, back and forth, and a burst of adrenaline spurted through her bloodstream when she felt them loosening.
"Don’t you see?" His face was at once very serious and patient and kind in a grotesque parody of the terror that he was causing. "She has corrupted you! I must save you! We have to be together!"
Abruptly, he turned, and Beth’s heart lurched with panic and despair when she heard the piteous screams. Frantically she worked off the scarves from her wrists and pulled her sneakers off as one last shot of adrenaline pushed her to free herself. Reaching for the pins in her blouse, she faced the monster, at last ready for the fight of her life.
Pretty Maidens All In A Row
Prologue
Sweat, mixed with hot tears, made fresh tracks through the blood on her face. She bravely fought the hysteria that was crawling from her belly to her throat, leaving waves of nausea in its wake. The staleness of the room was overwhelming and the meager light wafting through the tiny windows did nothing to dispel the gloom. Dust filled her nostrils, and her tongue stuck to the roof of her mouth. She felt her body quaking from head to toe with shock and fear.
She licked her lips frantically, and was horrified to taste blood. Her heart ached as the enormity of the loss shook her to the very core, but there was no time to mourn. The room reeked of the unique, heavy tang of sweat, blood and madness as she forced herself to look at the monster that had them. She knew that he was going to do unspeakable things to them before he killed them and her heart pounded like a giant gong inside her chest, sending reverberations through her bodymaking her hands feel numb.
He was crazed as he cursed and argued with someone only he could see. His shirt, once clean before forcing them into the car, was now spattered with precious blood, which had left a delicate pattern across his chest. He didn’t notice, as he terrorized them. Gradually, through the madness, she realized that she was bound to the chair with scarves. She sensed that he was trying to be gentle and the hateful growls were not directed towards her. He kept saying that he was trying to save her for God’s sake. Moaning, she started to work the binds and her heart gave a leap when she realized that the scarves were bound around her hightop sneakers, not her ankles.
"Leave her alone, you bastard!" she screamed with all the strength that her frozen vocal cords would allow. It came out like a squeaky wheel that desperately needed oil, but it got his attention. He stopped raving, mid-sentence, and stared at her disbelievingly, his eyes bulging from their sockets.
"What?" His voice was deceptively soft, as though he was one of her teachers, coaxing a shy student to take part in class. The sickening irony of it filled her with disgust and shestrived to calm herself, to get his attention.
"Please," she begged," she’s a good person. Please leave her alone!"
He snorted foully, bending towards her and she forced herself not to gag at his loathsome breath which blanketed her face.
"Ah Mary Elizabeth, so innocent, so very innocent.” He nodded his head like an indulgent parent talking to a dim-witted child. She gritted her teeth in frustration and furiously worked the scarves that bound her, back and forth, and a burst of adrenaline spurted through her bloodstream when she felt them loosening.
"Don’t you see?" His face was at once very serious and patient and kind in a grotesque parody of the terror that he was causing. "She has corrupted you! I must save you! We have to be together!"
Abruptly, he turned, and Beth’s heart lurched with panic and despair when she heard the piteous screams. Frantically she worked off the scarves from her wrists and pulled her sneakers off as one last shot of adrenaline pushed her to free herself. Reaching for the pins in her blouse, she faced the monster, at last ready for the fight of her life.
