• Welcome to BookAndReader!

    We LOVE books and hope you'll join us in sharing your favorites and experiences along with your love of reading with our community. Registering for our site is free and easy, just CLICK HERE!

    Already a member and forgot your password? Click here.

'Memoir'

RobertM

RobertM

New Member
When I wrote this one, the length was restricted to 250 words or less...

'Memoir'

Mrs. Sanders was crying again.

It had been another difficult afternoon for her at the hospital, and now she was sitting in the kitchen sobbing quietly. Outside it was bright summer and warm. A few songbirds chirped from the apple tree and picked at the feeder.

Six year old Stacie wandered into the kitchen. “Mommy?”

Mrs. Sanders bravely tried to smile. “Yes, honey?”

“Can I go play in the attic?”

“Sure, sweetheart.” It was perfectly safe in the attic and she knew Stacie loved exploring the books and chests. “Have fun.”

After little Stacie bounced happily up the attic stairs, her mother took a notebook and began writing something in it.


Up in the attic, Stacie headed for her favorite box, the one with all the pictures. She struggled with a big photo album, wrestling it to the floor. She flipped the pages. Most of the pictures showed Stacie alone or with her parents.

The little girl stopped on one particular photograph. She smiled and touched her head, remembering. “That’s when I had hair!” she said to no one in particular.


Down in the kitchen, Mrs. Sanders had written the same phrase over and over until the page was filled:

IT’S NOT FAIR.


The End
 
Oh, I like this one a lot more than the others you've posted. This is extremely well-written for the word-count-limitations. The ending is terrific, the build up is done quite well, and the effect is perfect.

Or, as JohnB said: Nice.
 
Much better than what I've seen. It's got a more...realistic quality to it. A more heartfelt apology, heartfelt sorrow. It's amazing, especially for the length. It's inspiring and wonderful.

Or as JohnB said: Nice.

But I feel that the title doesn't seem to fit. Maybe it's just me though...:D
 
After reading this, my lower lip gave a slight tremble; next thing I know, I'm balling (balling? Bawling? Something else? One of you literary Gods help an idiot out, please), for the emotional depth and secret moral values thrown between the lines. The emotional outpour on my part became so intense that I let loose half a pound of feces into my boxer shorts and I had to waddle myself out of the library with brown smears snailing down my leg. People looked at me funny, I looked back with blotchy-red eyes. God DAMN you, Robert.

Anyhow, on a more serious review, I agree with everyone else. This had an oddly emotional swing to it that comes deceptively yet accurately (I'm pretty sure I spelled both of those wrong--do I drop the "E?"), towards the end when the young girl is in the attic. At first it is simply a shrouded scene making me wonder "Huh?," and then, of course, leads to an "Oh." And then, better yet: "Oh...wow."

So, great job Robert. You really did hit the mark with this short. You also made me lose a good pair of boxer shorts you heartless S.O.B.
 
Like it. Some nice misdirection in the story, and good contrast between the cheerful girl and her despairing mother. Thought-provoking.

A few bits of constructive criticism, maybe...

1. Is it necessary to switch viewpoints in so short a story? Couldn't it be all from Stacie's viewpoint? Since the mother writes her thoughts in a notebook, Stacie could find this book. She'd be old enough to read what's in it, but maybe not old enough to understand what it means.

2. Stacie seems rather energetic for a girl who is (presumably) dying of cancer and on chemotherapy. Do you have to send her into the attic? Or have her bouncing up the stairs? She could go cheerily somewhere more accessible and less taxing.

3. A small amount of word wastage, possibly. E.g. birds pecking at the feeder in the apple tree. Sets the scene, but is it essential to the story? In a 250 word piece, every word should be charged a really high rent for the use of the paper. I'm not sure the apple tree sentence is paying its dues.

4. Further to point 3 - some adverb excess. 'Happily', 'bravely' etc. Probably not needed if the actions speak for themselves.

Still, the story at the heart of this is a strong one; very hard to compress emotion into so small a space.
 
Great job, Robert. Sorry I can't post any comments on your work, but I have school. I'll post when I get back!:)
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top