I have been writing on and off for years. I have been flirting with writing this book for over three years now. I have part of the first chapter done and wanted to know if this was something that people could enjoy reading. Here it is....please let me know your honest opinions.
Why won’t it stop? As I drive down the highway towards home after work to my family or shall I say partial family, there are the thoughts again. I am replaying my divorce hearing in my mind again. I try to push the thoughts out and concentrate on driving. Since I have so far to drive it would be beneficial to concentrate on driving. We live in a small town in Oklahoma that is very rural and requires a thirty mile drive to work and home everyday and everyday that drive allows my mind to wander back to the day I lost my son. This is a day that I will never forget and a day that I fear will haunt me for the rest of my life. I know in the pit of my stomach that something has to change and I have to focus on driving and think about something simple or lighthearted.
I try to think about what I will cook for supper. Scott will be so hungry when he gets home from work. He works as a local mechanic in our small town and is fortunate not to have the long drive everyday. It wouldn’t matter even if he had the long drive because he is not a complainer. He has the unique ability to understand that complaining does not accomplish anything in most situations, unlike me at a lot of times in my life. He loves what he does and is currently excited about building a hydrogen unit for vehicles that will allow them to get more miles per gallon. I still wish that he did not have to work so hard but he says he enjoys it and we need the money to pay the bills and especially the attorney.
There are not too many days that I don’t thank God for a good husband like Scott. He saved my life at a time when I felt that life was not worth living. I met him shortly after my divorce and did not intend on dating anyone at that time but Scott was different and I could tell on the very first night I saw him. I met him at a local park during one of my daily runs and we ended up walking around the park for hours just talking. I was intrigued by his character immediately. The more we talked the more he seemed able to interject into the conversation relevant things and allow me to express my thoughts as he looked like he was hanging on my every word. He is what I have always wanted in a man, tall (a little over 6’) and handsome. He loves me unconditionally and doesn’t let a day slip by that he doesn’t hold me in his arms and profess his love for me. The feeling I get when he puts his hand on the small of my back and pulls me close, looks into my eyes and softly slides his other hand up to my cheek while saying he loves me is unchallenged by the happiest feelings I have experienced to date. There are so many wonderful characteristics about him but I’m not sure he can respond in like. He walked into a mess when he married me. At the time I met him, I was consumed with a failed marriage, an unruly teenage daughter and a little toehead son, Gavin, just as far out of my reach as the stars. That statement could be applied to my current situation minus the failed marriage. My daughter, Stephanie, is still as unruly as they come. She has no sense of obligation to her family, only herself.
I’m sure Stephanie has already confiscated something out of the pantry to satisfy her hunger for dinner, especially since she has decided not to eat at school. I wonder….was I like that at her age? So terrified of boys that they could not even see me eat? I really don’t think I was so shy. My joy at her age was reading a good book and it has seemed to fall down the family tree to her as well. Often I will find her reading into the early morning hours. I think it is her escape into a wonderful world of make believe. Books seem to take her away from her family, chores and responsibilities to a place where her imagination can run rampant.
I realize that being fifteen is hard, but if I hear anything else about her – her wants – her needs – her her her, I think my mind might explode! She’s like every other girl at her age with a few exceptions. She is smart, makes really good grades and is absolutely beautiful with her curly long brown hair and porcelain tones in her face, but is extremely self obsessed to the point of no return. Nothing makes me more mad than when she shows this side of herself when her brother comes to the visit. Sure, he is six and there is an age gap between them but who doesn’t want to play with someone that will settle to watch you play Guitar Hero and root you on from the bed? Even Scott and I get in on the action. Who can refuse our little Gavin when he asks us to play with sister while he watches the T.V. screen and point out all our faults and tells us good job when we make it through the songs? But Gavin has always been different than Stephanie in that he wants to be with people…us and will sacrifice what he wants to do in order to have us all in the room. It is probably because he is made….cough while saying the word “forced”…to do so many things at home. What went wrong, I just don’t understand. Did the judge not listen at our trial? There I go again. I am letting the divorce hearing play in my mind over and over and over again. Everything I think about seems to recall a memory tied to my divorce.
I am not a bad person, I have never been sent to jail or put on probation like my ex-husband, Shane. Shane is such a narcissist as was pointed out by our physiatrist at the hearing. He always needed for things to be done his way and when things went his way, he still wasn’t able to show any appreciation for what had been done. I recall when the garage needed to be cleaned out while we were married. I worked for hours to get it all done and was so excited for him to come home and see what I had done for him. I had cleaned and put things in the places he wanted. Car cleaners on the shelf in one spot, yard tools in the right spots hanging on the garage wall, I had done so well. He came home and passed directly by me and went in the house. Not so much as a kind word of thanks or good job was to be said. Red lights…..OH….brake lights in front of me! Again, supposed justice haunts me.
As I come to the exit off the interstate, I began to come to a stop to wait to turn onto the little highway that takes me home. I make myself change directions in thought. I will fix chili for dinner. It is so cold outside and tonight will be perfect to have a nice warm dinner in our stomachs. December is always a cold month in Oklahoma but luckily we haven’t had any of the dreaded ice storms that we usually get. As much as I don’t like them they seem to bring the state to a stop for just a day or so. Maybe that is what I need right now. A stop, a day that the stores are closed, there is no work because no one can combat the layer of cold, hard, ice that claims the highways, sometimes showing itself as white beautiful sheets while other times hiding in the form of the most dangerous – black ice.
I wish I was already home but I have the dreaded seven more miles into the country to go. Our little town of Guthrie is a tiny suburb of Oklahoma City and is a quaint little town. It boasts itself as Victorian and a step back in time with all of the old buildings from the late 1800’s and early 1900’s still intact. We have 2 restaurants, 4 fast food joints, a grocery store, Wal-Mart and, more recently, a Walgreens came to town. It might be easier to live in town but I grew up in the house I live in today and when I walk outside on a cool summer night I can see millions of stars twinkling back at me, as if God created them simply for my own pleasure. I have said so many times that the stars do not twinkle as bright or brilliant that from my front porch.
I love my home and my family lives so close. My dad and his wife and brother are all within walking distance (a three or four block walk). My mom lives in town but comes out to visit us often. She is getting older, almost 65 now but just as lively as she ever was.
Why won’t it stop? As I drive down the highway towards home after work to my family or shall I say partial family, there are the thoughts again. I am replaying my divorce hearing in my mind again. I try to push the thoughts out and concentrate on driving. Since I have so far to drive it would be beneficial to concentrate on driving. We live in a small town in Oklahoma that is very rural and requires a thirty mile drive to work and home everyday and everyday that drive allows my mind to wander back to the day I lost my son. This is a day that I will never forget and a day that I fear will haunt me for the rest of my life. I know in the pit of my stomach that something has to change and I have to focus on driving and think about something simple or lighthearted.
I try to think about what I will cook for supper. Scott will be so hungry when he gets home from work. He works as a local mechanic in our small town and is fortunate not to have the long drive everyday. It wouldn’t matter even if he had the long drive because he is not a complainer. He has the unique ability to understand that complaining does not accomplish anything in most situations, unlike me at a lot of times in my life. He loves what he does and is currently excited about building a hydrogen unit for vehicles that will allow them to get more miles per gallon. I still wish that he did not have to work so hard but he says he enjoys it and we need the money to pay the bills and especially the attorney.
There are not too many days that I don’t thank God for a good husband like Scott. He saved my life at a time when I felt that life was not worth living. I met him shortly after my divorce and did not intend on dating anyone at that time but Scott was different and I could tell on the very first night I saw him. I met him at a local park during one of my daily runs and we ended up walking around the park for hours just talking. I was intrigued by his character immediately. The more we talked the more he seemed able to interject into the conversation relevant things and allow me to express my thoughts as he looked like he was hanging on my every word. He is what I have always wanted in a man, tall (a little over 6’) and handsome. He loves me unconditionally and doesn’t let a day slip by that he doesn’t hold me in his arms and profess his love for me. The feeling I get when he puts his hand on the small of my back and pulls me close, looks into my eyes and softly slides his other hand up to my cheek while saying he loves me is unchallenged by the happiest feelings I have experienced to date. There are so many wonderful characteristics about him but I’m not sure he can respond in like. He walked into a mess when he married me. At the time I met him, I was consumed with a failed marriage, an unruly teenage daughter and a little toehead son, Gavin, just as far out of my reach as the stars. That statement could be applied to my current situation minus the failed marriage. My daughter, Stephanie, is still as unruly as they come. She has no sense of obligation to her family, only herself.
I’m sure Stephanie has already confiscated something out of the pantry to satisfy her hunger for dinner, especially since she has decided not to eat at school. I wonder….was I like that at her age? So terrified of boys that they could not even see me eat? I really don’t think I was so shy. My joy at her age was reading a good book and it has seemed to fall down the family tree to her as well. Often I will find her reading into the early morning hours. I think it is her escape into a wonderful world of make believe. Books seem to take her away from her family, chores and responsibilities to a place where her imagination can run rampant.
I realize that being fifteen is hard, but if I hear anything else about her – her wants – her needs – her her her, I think my mind might explode! She’s like every other girl at her age with a few exceptions. She is smart, makes really good grades and is absolutely beautiful with her curly long brown hair and porcelain tones in her face, but is extremely self obsessed to the point of no return. Nothing makes me more mad than when she shows this side of herself when her brother comes to the visit. Sure, he is six and there is an age gap between them but who doesn’t want to play with someone that will settle to watch you play Guitar Hero and root you on from the bed? Even Scott and I get in on the action. Who can refuse our little Gavin when he asks us to play with sister while he watches the T.V. screen and point out all our faults and tells us good job when we make it through the songs? But Gavin has always been different than Stephanie in that he wants to be with people…us and will sacrifice what he wants to do in order to have us all in the room. It is probably because he is made….cough while saying the word “forced”…to do so many things at home. What went wrong, I just don’t understand. Did the judge not listen at our trial? There I go again. I am letting the divorce hearing play in my mind over and over and over again. Everything I think about seems to recall a memory tied to my divorce.
I am not a bad person, I have never been sent to jail or put on probation like my ex-husband, Shane. Shane is such a narcissist as was pointed out by our physiatrist at the hearing. He always needed for things to be done his way and when things went his way, he still wasn’t able to show any appreciation for what had been done. I recall when the garage needed to be cleaned out while we were married. I worked for hours to get it all done and was so excited for him to come home and see what I had done for him. I had cleaned and put things in the places he wanted. Car cleaners on the shelf in one spot, yard tools in the right spots hanging on the garage wall, I had done so well. He came home and passed directly by me and went in the house. Not so much as a kind word of thanks or good job was to be said. Red lights…..OH….brake lights in front of me! Again, supposed justice haunts me.
As I come to the exit off the interstate, I began to come to a stop to wait to turn onto the little highway that takes me home. I make myself change directions in thought. I will fix chili for dinner. It is so cold outside and tonight will be perfect to have a nice warm dinner in our stomachs. December is always a cold month in Oklahoma but luckily we haven’t had any of the dreaded ice storms that we usually get. As much as I don’t like them they seem to bring the state to a stop for just a day or so. Maybe that is what I need right now. A stop, a day that the stores are closed, there is no work because no one can combat the layer of cold, hard, ice that claims the highways, sometimes showing itself as white beautiful sheets while other times hiding in the form of the most dangerous – black ice.
I wish I was already home but I have the dreaded seven more miles into the country to go. Our little town of Guthrie is a tiny suburb of Oklahoma City and is a quaint little town. It boasts itself as Victorian and a step back in time with all of the old buildings from the late 1800’s and early 1900’s still intact. We have 2 restaurants, 4 fast food joints, a grocery store, Wal-Mart and, more recently, a Walgreens came to town. It might be easier to live in town but I grew up in the house I live in today and when I walk outside on a cool summer night I can see millions of stars twinkling back at me, as if God created them simply for my own pleasure. I have said so many times that the stars do not twinkle as bright or brilliant that from my front porch.
I love my home and my family lives so close. My dad and his wife and brother are all within walking distance (a three or four block walk). My mom lives in town but comes out to visit us often. She is getting older, almost 65 now but just as lively as she ever was.
